Tag Archives: Success

February 23, 2013 · 1:23 pm

Happiness: Living on the Street called Choice


HappinessA question often asked by people who are having problems says something like this, “When am I ever going be to be happy”? 
An underlying factor within the question is the level of dissatisfaction felt about life experience.  Another that issue associated with concerns about future happiness is a feeling of entitlement precedes the way individuals view the outcome of life.  A way to understand expectations about future happiness in life events is energized with a core belief that happiness is the capstone that describes a problem-free life.  Therefore, the normal, natural question about challenges is whether happiness is a real possibility to be attained.  A fundamental problem with a question like this is that it looks ahead to an unknown time and looks at life experience with a particular ideal world where happiness just happens. Obviously, the answer never comes for some individuals because of a lack of clear understanding of what happiness describes or what conditions must be met to create the “state” that some people describe as happiness.  As a result, a common explanation of happiness utilizes language intertwined with feelings about circumstances in life.  For instance, some descriptions of happiness are interpreted to mean removing all anxiety or other life disturbances standing in the way of an optimum state of euphoria achieved through a pain-free existence.  Therefore, happiness built upon an idealism of reducing life expectation to a simple no pain, resistance, or other difficulty formula holds the probability of great disappointment and lingering question, “When am I ever going be to be happy”?

So what is happiness anyway?

A place to begin is with a dictionary definition, which associates happiness as an emotion of joy, gladness, satisfaction, and well-being.  Since the dictionary defines it in terms of emotion, many people may conclude that when there is the absence of those life affirming emotions mentioned that happiness is not a reality.  Apparently, somehow meaning is attached to happiness that translates into an absence of pain or difficulty.  If you are a philosopher or study the field of Ethics, you will quickly identify this definition as consistent with ideas drawn from the philosophy of Hedonism, which describes the pleasure principle as the central motif of making life work in a way to reduce pain, discomfort, and difficulty for the “greatest good” as an outcome rationale.  Applying this philosophy of life affirms the idea that when people are happy life is experienced with the least amount of difficulty, pain, or unpleasantness within life experience. Obviously, this sounds good in principle, but it is a very simplistic way to view a very complex subject that leaves the questions of people with less than positive life experience with a lack of hope that happiness can be realized.

We usually seek success in order to find happiness.

One of the fallacies in looking at happiness because of circumstances is that it constructs happiness from feelings of success or performance outcome.  However, much of life is lived on a street that has noisy neighbors, sick children, grass to mow, snow to shovel, and storms that come and go.  The result is that life is full of experiences that may not have an outcome that feels like success.  A relevant point relates to how well-being and satisfaction incorporates into a life filled with experience that evokes negative emotional responses.  Unfortunately, what is missing from the dictionary definition is a comprehensive understanding of common happiness that everyone can have no matter what life brings. In reference to this, Dr. Marla Gottschalk states that:

How we “digest” our life experiences, both negative and positive, can be instrumental in influencing levels of happiness.  As Achor explains, reported happiness cannot always be fully explained by life events themselves –it is how we view those life events that prove to be pivotal.  Many of us have a tendency to become focused upon negative information and events (possibly an evolutionary necessity).  As a result, we may under-represent our successes and fail to draw energy from them. On some level, we give up our power to be happy – by resting its fate entirely in the external world – when in fact, our “internal script” can be quite influential. Shorter-lived emotions can contribute to a broader “affect”, or tendency to feel either positive or negative. (What is happiness then? (Positive Psychology and Happiness at Work).

Happiness precedes success in the way thoughts are constructed in the mind

Happiness is a way of thinking about life that uses an organized way of mental cognition that incorporates using “pathways thinking” to create momentum in the activity of life.  Unfortunately, the notion that experiencing a particular life outcome will create happiness is conceptually flawed because this perspective lacks a consistent and measurable inference.  For instance, placing two individuals in an exact set of circumstances does not indicate that happiness will occur sequentially or is predictable.  In fact, the level of well-being felt will depend more on the way individuals think about events than the events alone.  Obviously, two people can have the same experience and value the experience in different ways.  On the other hand, another way to look at happiness is that happiness is consistent with thinking constructs, which introduces quantitative and qualitative factors into the life that individuals experience.

Think about the meaning of the word, “life”

A simple definition of life is, “the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual” (Dictionary.com). 

For many people life is just an existence or a human organic experience of conscious awareness with a sort of organic fatalism that reduces life to what we have in our genes and DNA.  However, life is much more than an organic existence of matter over a set period of time.  Life is an activity which describes a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul” (Dictionary.com) as both quality of life and quantity of time in existence.  An idea expressed in the words of Jesus that connects a meaning to life that delineates a way of thinking about life that predicts outcome in life says, “I have come to give life; and life more abundant” (John 10:10 KJV).

Textual evidence from grammar interprets life as “zōḗ – life (physical and spiritual).  … it always (only) comes from and is sustained by God’s self-existent life”.  In addition, life is modified in the use of an adjective abundant … “perissós (an adjective), properly all-around …  beyond what is anticipated, exceeding expectation”, which describes a life lived with a view of life characterized by (well-being and satisfaction=happiness).  Another related word that adds meaning to the way Christians think about happiness spoken of in the Psalms is, “blessedness”, which describes a state of being in a Christian life that orders the thoughts around a spiritual view of life that is grounded in a reflective relationship with God.  Also, “blessedness” informs existence with an aptitude, a view toward life, informing the way behavior occurs in life. An important point to make is that in the Beatitudes, (Matthew 5:ff.) happiness is not associated with the removal of pain or the absence of challenging experiences, but rather, with a changed perspective.  In fact, the idea is that optimum happiness results from life being viewed through certain definable attitudes understood about life from God’s perspective.

Thinking patterns discipline the mind to create happiness and pathways for life

Later in the Bible, The apostle Paul wrote about the activity of the mind.  He said, “every thought should be brought into captive obedience to Christ.”  The message of I Corinthians resonates the principle that ineffective ways of thinking must be superseded with organizing the thoughts around a perspective of life dominated by a positive Christian mindset.  The idea is present in the text that suggests that vain ways of thinking result in spiritual captivity to false ideas about life.  So, when life does not experience the well-being that individuals feel entitled to experience in the circumstances of life, what response should be given?  Peter said, “Gird up the loins of your mind” (1 Peter 1:13).  Strengthen the mental outlook is the central message of Peter to those facing persecution.  Obviously, there is a mental motif prescribed: When life is falling apart and does not give you the measure of success that is expected, quit fighting the circumstances to find happiness.  The point is to reorganize thinking around hope that will create new pathways, ways of thinking about life.  The consistent and compelling message about happiness is not the absence of challenging, heart-wrenching events.  The application is the message about the way thoughts are organized with a view toward life.  The application is about how inner strengths of character are identified through hope and how happiness develops a pathway to effective living. As a result, happiness will not be achieved through technological development, possession of things, or vain expectation: it is achieved through inner development of the person.

Common ideas about happiness are found in a belief that if a person takes up a hobby like wood carving, playing golf, or other activities that the unhappiness can be distracted denied, and delegitimized.  However, while distraction from pain or unhappiness may minimize the symptoms of unhappiness in life, it will not change a point of view about life.  The truth is that you can never remove unhappy events in life by replacing challenges with the innocuous placebo of pleasure.  One craving only leads to another, which leads to another reinforcing a life of pursuing pleasure to numb the pain felt about unhappiness in life circumstances.

What is the road to happiness?

The answer rests in altering ineffective thinking by cleaning up the clutter about how we organize thoughts about life.  Happiness does not guarantee that life will never face difficulty.  On the other hand, happiness changes how individual think about difficulty and what they will do when challenging moments come.  The road to happiness is joined to an inward journey of the development of the mind, spirit, and soul-life.  Indeed, spiritual life cannot be isolated in a detached metaphysical experience of escape from pain, from difficulty, or performance of duty.  The matter of importance is that happiness is rooted in a way of thinking toward life.  Therefore, the road to happiness is understanding, which leads to positive life-affirming ways of thinking reflectively about life.

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February 16, 2013 · 9:10 pm

Point of View: How Perspective Influences Cultural Trends and Communication


Railroad tracks

A Narrow and Vanishing Perspective

I only have one opinion so it is the only one I can give.  I know that sounds narrow minded and resistant, but isn’t that really what it boils down to with everyone?  However, the problem with opinion is that many time opinions are irrelevant in an atmosphere of constant change of culture and communication technology.  As a result, one of the challenges in modern world is to understand the speed that culture is changing right before our eyes and how the communication of ideas is in constant state of flux.  Therefore,  on the high speed information network, the challenge reinforces a constant need to adapt to changing constructs and to understand that there may be an inhibited ability to comprehend the rate that information passing before our eyes is  feeding a blurred generational and cultural myopia.  In a world  where a narrow perspective is vanishing, some people may ask: Does any generation have an absolute truth or a point of view that is constant, timeless, and irrefutable through all of time, generations, and cultures to balance information contained in the communication of ideas?  Obviously, while there are differences about the answer, the ideas that many people hold as timeless principles of truth seems to be quickly vanishing in the milieu of ideas and being edited within the context of modern culture. A strong point of consideration about information and communication in a world that is technology bound is the strong evidence to suggest that the happenings of culture today are affecting, not only what subjects are relevant to the times, but how communication occurs in the 21st century.

In recent blog post Ed Stetzer (2011) cited Adlai Stevenson who stated, ‘”That which seems the height of absurdity in one generation often becomes the height of wisdom in another.’ He did not have a particularly high view of the next generation, but he does challenge us to consider the radical changes in thinking that are sometimes seen between generations” (Stetzer).   The apparent point to be understood is that every generation has a perspective that shapes contemporary beliefs— what is deemed important—values that form a perspective about level of importance of certain ideas.  In addition, it is not just the message of communication and values that is important, it is the fact that methods of communicating from the past are vanishing and being replaced on the super highway of technology. Consequently, what is apparent from an understanding cultural transformation in the 21st century is that a present cultural perspective is shaping point of view and validating the principle that both the vehicle and the message in every generation creates a shift in how people in a given generation arrive at a destination that they believe is truth and in a vehicle that the present generation creates its own mind-set.

Just as people from different cultures, races, and people groups think differently about important issues, generations are cultural subgroups of the macrocosm of human existence.  It is evident that each  thinks differently about matters of  believed to be of importance.  However, remember that successive generations hold a different point of view that is emerging and is relevant to the time.  Therefore while people may disagree, different perspectives are worth taking time to consider. It is said that one thing common to every generation is how the collective perspective is internalized. Ed Stetzer  (2011)  cited George Orwell’s perspective, which states that “Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it and wiser than the one that comes after it” (Stetzer).  Someone from a past generation may ask: Are current generations really more intelligent or are earlier generations wiser?  Obviously, the answer depends on perspective – what it looks like from where you are standing or pontificating.

What perspectives are influencing the way life is understood in the 21st century?

The perspective, the unique way life is understood today, is a sociological and cultural phenomenon. For those who want to deny reality and continue to ignore what is shaping the point of view of the emergent culture of the 21st century only creates frustration and disconnection, which does not offer any substantive answers or a reasonable framework to understand reasoning behind current ideals.

Ideologues and philosophers offer suggestion about what is occurring, but unfortunately understanding ideals and philosophy alone will not provide efficacy that creates effective communication. Ideals, are generally moral ideas or mores’ based on certain group identification that create expectations about how people should think or act. Philosophical assumptions are the ways that beliefs are rationalized into reason.  Thus forming, the informational content of perspective. Values or axiology has more to do with what is deeply felt, importance, passion, and motivation that affect beliefs. For example, the   felt importance of something believed to be true.  When tension deposited in life experience that conflicts with values, it results in conflicting ideas about importance that creates a  disconnect between perceptions and experienced reality.

The question is formed: Who/what is right how can the way values are felt be rationalized with experience that does not match a reality believed?  Unfortunately, I find myself at odds with most idealist and the emphasis upon what should be and find myself focused upon what emerging culture is saying. As a point of reference something that needs to be understood is how to  connect perception to reality.  Consequently, the constant flow of information  redefines the importance of what seems logical in one generation as information is disseminated and absorbed into successive generations.  Therefore, there is a tension that exists in the message and mode of communication that results in aberrations in what is felt about the information, which places the greatest emphasis upon perspective.

Obviously, anyone can give an opinion about what is wrong with something.  However, knowing what is wrong is not the critical issue in communication of solutions that are workable.  One perspective that some people have is to write people off who look different, think different, and have a differing perspective.  Another point of view is to embrace the culture and learn the language, thinking, and mindset of the 21st century.  Seeing someone else’s perspective is not whitewashing culture or moralizing behaviors, it is asking why do people do that in the way they do and understanding if the desire is to connect, communicate, and build meaningful relationships that we need to understand more than what we know.

With the increasing isolation of people and the desire to have relationships, there is a tremendous opportunity to step outside a solitary opinion and understand people as part of a culture that thinks different than we do.  The opportunity demonstrates a tremendous potential, if we will take time to understand how perception formation is impacting beliefs and governs the content and methods of communication in the 21st century.

Point of View Perspective Beliefs God Theology Church Traditions Statistics Surveys Theory Demographics Communication Context Relationships Unchurched Christian Universalism Philosophy Vision Mission Outcome.

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January 4, 2013 · 4:29 am

Who God Created Me to Be: What Drives Your Life?


Drives “Everyone’s life is driven by something: many are driven by things like guilt, resentment, anger, fear, materialism, and the need for approval” (Rick Warren, 2002).

 Who is Driving the Bus?

 A dictionary definition of drive is to guide, to control, or to direct.  One of the questions that we are focusing on today is what the driving force in our life is.  Having a focused, central purpose to life that is rooted in a relationship with Him translates into a way of living that places God at the center of existence.  The thought that comes to mind is that God calls us in to a life to be who we are in terms of a relationship with Him.  At this point I am reminded again of the fact that, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever” (The Baptist Catechism).  So, in other words, a primary goal of being a innately –natural, authentic Christian who is driven by purpose is that a relationship with Him needs to be the defining characteristic of what drives the bus.  Unfortunately, most of us have grown up in a world where we have told to conform, forced to conform, and expected to conform.  The environmental invalidation stifles creativity within  and individuals become programmed by society and cultural expectations and we live a life of being driven by things, people, and expectations instead of purpose.

Reflection about Spiritual Direction: What or Who is Pushing Your Buttons?

 Have you ever taken time to think reflectively about what is driving your behavior in life?  It is an interesting question because I see people every day who are getting their buttons pushed by something or someone and they spend their time living a reactive rather than a proactive life.  In a life of being who God created you to be, is important to understand that the reason why we are just reacting is that we have not developed a comfort level with the way God made them and confidence enough to act beyond the influence and expectations of others.  Therefore, they get in the trap of conformity and are afraid to color outside the lines because of what others expect, a desire to please, and the fear of personal rejection.

What does the Bible say about drive and motivation for behavior?

 “Then I observed that most people are motivated to success by their envy of their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless, like chasing the wind” (Ecclesiastes 4:4Living Bible).

 The answer is that any efforts to live a life of trying to be like others or being driven by anything less than the purpose of God for life is spending time, effort, energy, resources, and time on something that will never be achieved.  Solomon called it “chasing the wind”.  When things outside of their purpose in life drive people, the person God created them to be, life turns into an empty pursuit that is never satisfying, stressful, and is not true to our true nature.  Therefore the key to harnessing the drives that lead to chasing to wind is to begin with a discovery process of individual purpose and who God created us to be.

Purpose provides a place to harness and direct the thing that will drive us forward.

“The man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder – waif, a nothing, a no man. Have a purpose in life, and, having it, throw such strength of mind and muscle into your work as God has given you” (Thomas Carlyle).

 The truth is that nothing matters more than knowing God’s purpose for your life, and nothing can bring satisfaction and wholeness in life like knowing who God created you to be a s an individual creation of God.

Some of the benefits of living to be what God created you to be in a a purpose-driven life is that it:

Gives meaning to your life and defines where to put your energy..

Simplifies your life and keeps you from chasing the wind.

Focuses your life on what is important to magnify your relationship with God.

It motivates you to live with an upward and inward focus that leads you to the future that God has for your life.

A central component of purpose is that it prepares you in this life to be fully developed as you enter eternity.  Remember that you were not put on earth to be creating an image for others to commit to memory.  Every believer was put in this world to “glorify God and to enjoy him forever” (The Baptist Catechism).  Surrendering to who you are in Christ in a life of discipleship and purpose is so that we will be conformed to the image of Christ in this life to enter the next life with a clear knowledge of who God created us to be now and then.

Affirmation

Everyone suffers with the problem of being driven by the wrong thing at times.  What we can remember is that “Without God, life has no purpose, and without purpose, life has no meaning. Without meaning, life has no significance or hope.” This is such a significant point and intentional statement.  It is important because it magnifies the dual responsibility to surrender to having a purpose, but also acting in faith and knowledge in response to who God is in reality.  Each person must live for the purpose for which God has designed; otherwise, whatever meaning seems to be obtained through living for lesser purposes will evaporate in eternity ahead.

Something that may important to remember is that people who don’t know their purpose try to do too much and that causes the elevation of stress, fatigue, and conflict. Indeed it is tempting to have one’s finger in many pies, but are they our pies to have our fingers in all of the time?  What we will discover is that when we have stripped life of the inessentials that do not contribute to who God created us to be and aligns with purpose, life will become more productive and satisfied.

When the right thing drives us we will discover that purpose always produces passion and that nothing energizes a life like a clear sense of purpose.  Perhaps this is why most of the Christians I meet have so little passion for the Kingdom of God. They are not living with a clear vision of the purpose for which God has created them or functioning in that purpose.

An important fact to accept is that given enough time, all your trophies will be trashed.  If that strikes you as negative and pessimistic; then, you have not read Ecclesiastes enough to understand the importance of a life without a purpose.  If reading the message of Ecclesiastes depresses you, it must be because you do  not understand what Solomon is saying. In a simple statement of truth, the message of Ecclesiastes is “Meaning and satisfaction are not found in any of life’s components; they are found only in life’s Creator”.

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January 1, 2013 · 1:31 am

Why Do I Exist?


God's plan for youOne of the important questions related to discovering who God created us to be has to do with what we spend our life pursuing.  For many, the chief pursuit of life is the acquisition of things and the pursuit of things to bring pleasure.  To address this hedonistic principle of humanity, Solomon wrote and said, “A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree” (The Message Proverbs 11:28).

People who are devoted to things often are people who do not really know who they are and acquiesce to a life in search of identity and importance by defining existence by the things that surround them.

A great discovery to make about existence is that it is not about you.  Focusing on things or ourselves will never reveal our life’s purpose.  The reality is that you were made by God and for God—and until you understand that, life will never make sense.

Affirmation of Faith

Our affirmation of faith from the scripture resonates with me an important message that needs to be understood, even after having read it multiple times: that “It’s purpose is not about you.”  The reason for this truth is that this truth never loses its importance because it is timeless truth.

This assertion is hardly new in the history of Christian faith. The reason for our existence is as old as Wesley who said, “God made us to be happy in Him.”  In Baptist history,  it is as old as the Westminster Catechism which affirms that “the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.”  Furthermore, in Jewish history, it is as old as David who said, “It is He that hath made us and not we ourselves.  We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.”  It is as old as Moses who said, “So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.”  What do these examples have in common?  The central theme is reverence and life of worship that brings an understanding of why we exist.  Life and more particularly, my life is not about me.  The affirmations and history are spiritual markers that reveal that all of life is about God, not about finding ourselves.

APPLICATION OF FAITH

Our origin, identity, meaning, purpose, destiny all originate and are completed in relationship to God.  As a result, I cannot help but think embracing life with this perspective would revolutionize everything that we do in life and the choices we make.  I can remember the frustration of many people who have shared their never-ending search to find what they want to do in life.  Obviously, this common mistake is the wrong approach to life because it reduces why we exist to a simple human endeavor to do something in our own power to create an identity and a purpose to feel significance in life.

The place to begin is that understanding why we  exist will only find significance when we gain the insight that identity and purpose are found only through relationship with Jesus Christ. Anything else will leave us to the task of creating a purpose that is simply the natural part of a human life apart from God.  When God reveals to us and we understand in our heart of hearts that God planned the purpose of our life and intends for it to last into eternity.  Then, our lives and purpose for existence aligns with the eternal plan of God and has the potential to be effective and produce lasting fruit now and in the future.  When we realize that, we will find that we understand existence from God’s perspective and we have found something worth living for and someone worth dying with because it is eternal.

Final thoughts

Some of you upon reading this may get the idea that determining your life purpose has nothing to do with you or the choices you make.  Obviously, that is not the case, because what happens in our life depends upon responding to God and reverencing Him in worship through obedience The problem exists that we start with us and what we want; then we tell God what we’ll do.  To understand why we exist, God wants us to start with Him—His Kingdom, His Will—and then ask how we can use the gifts and abilities He has given us to participate in His plan.

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December 3, 2012 · 10:31 pm

Ed Stetzer – What is Transformational Church?


Ed Stetzer

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If your church is experiencing inward drift and has lost its sense of mission, understanding of purpose, and is in decline. Here is a explanation of one of the services that I can offer you as a Transformational Church Consultant to help get your church on target by discovering the strengths that you possess and developing them to experience transformation and spiritual life in the body.  Ed Stetzer says, “People sometimes ask me about Transformational Church (TC), particularly after I mention it on Twitter as I did last week.” Click on the link below and explore.

Ed Stetzer – What is Transformational Church?.

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January 4, 2012 · 3:48 am

Finding Hope in a Time of Uncertainty


It’s the beginning of a new year, and I am reminded that it is an opportunity to start again. This article is the early morning musing that comes from a daily habit of reflection about one day in life and what it means.  There are a lot of good questions ask about life that are important, but pondering the time of year and the opportunity for starting over.  A thought that comes to mind this morning is that opportunity is in our hands to make a positive contribution toward making this year count.  As a result, the question that I am pondering this morning asks a question connected to effectiveness at living in 2012: what are you going to do with opportunity in the coming year?  It is a good question and a personal question which focuses upon each one of us and all of us collectively.  In a times  such as this, “the new year” there is a poignant reminder that nothing ever stays the same –time keeps moving in a forward direction — and that if we do not change with time, we will be left in the dust of yesterdays dreams.

Yesterdays dreams may be filled with regrets, unfinished business, unpaid bills, or unfulfilled wishes.  This is readily witnessed in the current climate of the 21st century where much attention is directed toward the changing dynamics of American culture, politics, as well as personal issues, which have forced unwanted change upon life. With that in mind, I am reminded that attention directed to the future will be effective for those who are willing to embrace its potential and embrace hope in the unseen power that is possessed to build a path into a desirable future.  The direction that effectiveness will take is directly related to what you are willing to do about self.  Harry S. Truman said, “In reading the lives of great men, I found that the first victory they won was over themselves? self-discipline with all of them came first.”   Fulfilled dreams are not magical events or mystical feelings which are not grounded in reality, they are actions possessed by a forward attitude of determination committed to making a difference in each life,as well as, the larger world of people to make a meaningful difference.

For many,  instead of being a time of discipline focused toward a goal, the new year will be a time when morbid regret is focused upon diminished hope that results in trying to prop up the past, restore the past, or revive some idealized perspective that results from a life of constantly looking in the rear view mirror of life. One thing for sure is that life does not progress; while focus remains centered upon the unresolved, undone, or not finished business in the past. Indeed, the future belongs to those who are brave enough, willing enough, and strong enough to step with faith into a future that God alone knows and holds in His hand.

In the coming months, if the focus of life remains focused upon the lost hopes and dreams of an idealized American culture, economy, or social structure, then we may miss the opportunity to see a blossoming future where God does what only He can do through us in a world held hostage to hopelessness, isolation, and loneliness. It is a time that has been characterized by hopelessness where many remain discouraged. Solomon spoke about this attitude several thousand years ago and said, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. The value of these words resonate to the hopeful because while hope remains alive, we believe that a future is possible, that success is attainable, and goals are reachable. Indeed, it makes a difference what you believe about the future because– what you believe is what is most likely to happen right on time.

One of the things that is a pressing need today is to develop a discipline of hope among leaders that is grounded in a realistic look at what is ahead, a plan of action to arrive at a destination, and a way to keep accountable to the direction hope leads. Within this discipline, a challenge to possessing hope is in acceptance that hope is not just a feeling about life, about God, or something that is conjured up with positive affirming feelings. Rather, it is connected to a way of thinking that is rooted in faith in God, a firm belief in who God is, that He alone stands above– beyond– around– and ahead of every circumstance of life that we can encounter, and that He has a purpose to be fulfilled that brings meaning to existence.

Benjamin Disraeli said, “The secret of success is constancy of purpose.” Today, there is one thing that can motivate an attitude of belief that success is ahead is belief that there is design to what will occur.  That there is someone who is already there and knows the outcome every situation that will be faced in the days ahead.  Any hope that we can have today is not validated in a politician, a political process,  the economy, or other circumstances. Listen to the words of the psalmist David who said said, “What wait I for, my hope is in thee”. What are you waiting for and where is your hope today?

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August 12, 2011 · 3:32 pm

Happiness: Guilt, Criticism, and Projection


Happiness: Guilt, Criticism, and Projection

An interesting thing that I have noticed about people who feel guilty is that they are not very happy and that they invest a huge amount of energy trying to hide– cover up painful or guilty experiences from being known.  Quite often, all of the efforts to hide something– not apparent on the surface has the opposite effect.  In stead of covering up guilt, it is like wearing a badge that says, “I am guilty”.  It does not take a psychologist to figure out that a person who engages in constant criticism of others is a demonstrating a behavior cue that points to unresolved guilt.  Often, the person who is constantly calling attention, implying, suggesting others weaknesses or faults may be shining a light upon something that obviously is wrong and unresolved in the accuser.

Good Guilt v. Bad Guilt

Developmentally, guilt is an emotional warning sign that most people learn during normal childhood social development.  Guilt’s purpose is to let us know when we have done something wrong—to keep life balanced.  Good guilt operates to help us develop a better understanding about bad choice and danger in our personal behavior.  Therefore healthy expressions of guilt prompts a person examine and to re-examine behavior to prevent making the same mistake twice.  Indeed, an examination of the pathology of unresolved guilt reveals negative perceptions of what others do that triggers distorted schemas, paralyzing emotions, and distorted reactions connected to a distorted sense of self that acts like a mirror reflecting what is not seen by others and known by the accuser.  Unfortunately, misunderstood and unresolved guilt leads to depression, anxiety, and frustration that is projected on someone else rather than becoming a positive force toward change or improvement.  Guilt is normally a negative focus coming from a perception of self that moralizes what others are doing and says, “I am a bad person.  I cannot bear myself.  I am unworthy.”

 

Internalized Guilt brings Externalized Behavior

Often I have said that “the things that we notice and hate about others and that we criticize so passionately, is connected to what we hate about ourselves.  Carl Jung said, “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness’s of other people” Unfortunately, the guilt ridden accuser does not understand that criticism is a window into their own darkness.  Often, behavior is hidden so well beneath misdirected concern shared as a concern with confidants, family, friends that infers perceived wrongdoing.  What is really happening is that the guilty accuser uses inference to project their own secretive guilty behaviors on their mirror.  Unfortunately, many of the things that people feel so deeply and are so offensive –we speak so loudly, passionately, so convincingly about point back to self-perception embedded within the neurotic guilt.  Indeed, the ability of guilt to subconsciously influence how perceptions, beliefs, and beliefs about what is seen should not be underestimated, nor ignored.  For instance, in a perfect world of a developing infant, doing, something “bad” is equivalent to murdering all that is good.  As the child develops with a lived-experience of shame, performance based acceptance, and guilt ridden feelings, the inability to dispel the gnawing sense of guilt results in the child owning misunderstood feelings about guilt and he/she enters an “adult– normal society.”  In the adult world, the normal is distorted by the abnormal thinking from development filtered by a perception of life that skewed by feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, and projection.  What happens: the guilt that has been internalized, misunderstood, and unresolved is externalized in projecting behavior toward others when something is seen that feels like the internalized guilt. Then, undigested guilt triggers the guilt-projection system that regurgitates what feels like concern, looks like righteousness, demonstrating rescuing behavior upon others, while calling attention to what is hidden beneath the surface– unresolved guilt that wants to be discovered.

Psychological ProjectionCriticism and Conversations with Guilty People

When I listen to people’s conversations, it sounds like there is something not being said, but is implied.  Quite often it is what is not being said that is more important than what is being said.  For instance, when person helps someone with a situation and someone else gives the pretense of being helpful and recurrent suggestions come up about another person’s faults or problems or even a constant disdain for a particular act, at is the real issue in the conversation?  On the one hand, it may be a person who simply is genuinely concerned, but on the other hand it may be a semantically expressed language cue it that says the person talking is struggling with and projecting internalized guilt.   It makes me wonder if the concerned person really feels guilty about their own internal struggle or particular behavior that no one knows about.   While serving as a pastor, I have had those who felt duty bound to inform me about how certain people are living and taking advantage of their leadership positions and using others.  What is common to all of these conversations is that they are people who represent themselves as crusaders of right, justice, and truth is that they are guilt-ridden people who try to guilt others into conformity and want someone to take up their cause.  Personally, I think about this activity as the subtle work of Satan who is guilty and accuses others of what he is guilty of.  In the book of Revelation Satan is depicted as the one who slanders the innocent and in reality is the one who is guilty.  Therefore, a critical question about this kind of accusation and speculation is motivation.  At this point, a question important to ask is what lies beneath suspicion and why this behavior is happening at this moment?  It may be that there is really a problem that needs to be addressed, but what is the real problem? Consequently, the essential question is why do some people see things that are really not there and act on beliefs that have no substance, evidence, or possess any real real desire to help?  One answer may be that some people have a need to rescue others from what they believe is “bad behavior” because there is strongly embedded guilt that says how bad a person actually feels about self and is motivating criticism, i.e., –the person sees their own failure in the acts of others.  The effort to direct attention to someone else may simply be transference:  an effort to vicariously fix something that feels very wrong in their own life by self incriminating projection of guilt on others. … Neurotic Guilt.

Why does one person believe they are doing right by making someone else guilty– warning, judging, evaluating, devaluing, and invalidating the other persons?

The Voice of Guilt is Saying What?

When a person engages in this kind of destructive inference, crusading to gain support from others, what is the core issue in the accusation? According to Sigmund Freud, it may be projection, which is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one “projects” one’s own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings onto someone else.  Projection is one of the defense mechanisms identified by Freud that is used when someone feels threatened or feels afraid of their own impulses–, so the accuser attributes these impulses to someone else.  What is apparent among people, who make it their life’s mission to constantly criticize without sound reasoning and responsible approaches to relationships with others, is that the critic has an unresolved problem.  It is guilt– the feeling– that comes to the surface when something witnessed in others –a trigger activates  recognition of a feeling associated with a past behavior — “a been there done that experience.”  An important revelation  about constant accusing  is that recurring critical activity may be an open confession of unresolved feelings of guilt and self-esteem issues that are being attributed to someone else.

The Blame Game and What is Really Being Said

Throughout the history of the human race it is well documented that people have been struggling with guilt while denying responsibility.  The Bible records the story of creation when, Adam and Eve sinned; then, made leaves to cover up while knowing what they had done wrong.  Obviously, they did not want to take responsibility for what had happened. Therefore, the response of Eve was to pass the blame on, “it is the serpent that caused the evil act. “  The response of Adam was that it is the woman that you gave me Lord.  Guilt makes people project cover up because they are ashamed and understand that something is wrong and needs fixed.  Guilt makes people accuse because drawing attention to others behavior deflects attention away from the self –the guilty party.  Also, the fear of being exposed motivates people to project judgment for wrong doing upon someone else. Projecting guilt and packaging it in  criticism is a way of verbalizing how deeply perceptions of right and wrong— good and bad affects feelings of personal well being and personal security of the acuser.    Something to think about is that as long as attention is focused on what is wrong, what is being hidden, energy cannot be focused upon what is possible or what can make life effective, nor can you be happy.   Chaplain Murrill 04/27/2012

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· 1:13 pm

Spirituality: Jesus the Church, Evangelism, Discipleship, and Multiculturalism


spirituality shelf

Which Books are You Reading?

Albert Mohler (2010) said, “As the period of emerging adulthood grows longer, young people are becoming more alienated spiritually.”  Mohler’s statement raises questions about what is occurring in 21st century within beliefs about spirituality. It is apparent that there is a significant departure from the views held by evangelical Christians who have had a predominate voice in shaping opinions in earlier generations. A good question to ask is who or what is influencing the views of this emergent generation and will evangelical Christian maintain their ability to influence this generation?

For social theorists this might be a developmental stage of an evolving culture.  If they are correct what can be understood about the process and what is important to understand? Within the discipline of psychology, there is a principle taught in life–stage theory that every period of life has an identity crisis and skill development must occur that enables a successful transition to  face the responsibilities of the next period of existence.   The theory purports that there is a natural development process that contributes to being able to engage with life and have efficacious responses in the challenges that are a part of the experience of life.  This an interesting analogy to make about how culture is developing, but what is the result of the process?

The results are portrayed in a fundamental gap between generations and that the distinctive beliefs of the past have not been articulated in a way that demonstrates a connection between what has been believed about matters of faith, morality, and God and what is believed now.  One of the questions may be have we advanced as a culture in the view about spirituality? Consider the views of the past generation about spirituality.  Is the earlier better informed than the present?  If so, has the view of the past informed, equipped, the present generation with the essential skills to enter a new time, face different responsibilities-challenges?

Could it be that Spirituality in America is in need of family systems therapy?

Apparently there are perceptions about spirituality today suggests a noticeable departure from traditionally held views of spirituality to a changing perspective. Ed Stetzer (2011) says, “This generation is open to God and spirituality. When asked if they considered themselves to be spiritual, 73 percent of respondents age 20-29 answered affirmatively” (Stetzer).  In response, a question that may not be addressed adequately in literature today is what impact does how the last period–generation approached spirituality have upon the present understanding of spirituality?  What is apparent is that there is a clear disconnect from traditionally held views.  Has a rebellious child of the 60’s 70’s or 80’s been raised and is misbehaving and we don’t like what is happening?

The statistics cited by Stetzer (2001) indicates that the respondents are indeed open to God and have a belief that they are spiritual, which essentially is not different than previous generations, but in retrospect, what does it really mean?

One assumption is that because there is openness and the basic belief about personal spirituality that there is motivation to understand life in spiritual terms and indeed someone—something is defining what spirituality means.  Sometimes I hear people referring to culture as an evil force – a collective consciousness that is leading people away from or at odds with another point of view. However, culture is better understood as “The totality of socially transmitted behavior patterns, arts, beliefs, institutions, and all other products of human work and thought” (Free Dictionary) which describes culture as a defining force in a point of view. Therefore, there are culturally implicit beliefs, behaviors, and values characterizing the way differing generations, groups, races, and religions internalize information and externalize behaviors. As Stetzer (2011) describes this generation, it is not a generalization about all modern culture, but an indication of a group perspective.

A caution about generalizing statistics that needs to be understood is that popular surveys are not scientifically validated and some research that is offered–used to infer conclusions–may not be accurately applied.  An example of this is how people often say that “we live in a Christian nation” which reflects the point of view that historically may be valid, but unfortunately is not a fair nor accurate collective representation of America. Therefore, a larger question that needs to be understood which moves beyond what popular beliefs are is where do the respondents, 20-29 year olds,  get their point of view and what influences within this cultural group impact the perceptions reported, and what conclusions can be inferred about what spiritual communication will engage this emergent generation?

A fundamental question posited here is can this generation be engaged in a discussion about spirituality and motivated to respond without others understanding what prompts what millennial’s value and believe?

Understanding what the behavior means and what is shaping the values of 20-29 year olds is not interesting or appealing to many people. However, a challenge for traditional– modern Americans is to accept that multi-culturalism is shaping the view of people.  If  there is going to be meaningful engagement of the emerging peoples, groups, and cultures, it means that understanding what is driving the point of view, what are the assumptions, and how competence can be developed that enables an understanding outside of self which is motivated by an interest in connecting generations that are disconnected and can benefit from what the other brings to the process.

It is an easy thing to generalize and for adults to look at small children and expect them to understand and behave as an adult.  It is also easy for children to look at their parents and think they are really not very informed and disregard what may be simply not understood.  Unfortunately, in the milieu of cafeteria-style spirituality, the absence of a distinctive clarifying voice  that is having a significant impact upon culture, there is a danger present of morally and spiritually bankrupting the core values in modern culture.

Keywords: Spirituality, Culture, Sociology, Multi-culturalism, Generations, Millennial, Perspective, Perception, Beliefs, Consciousness, Behaviors, Generalizing, Statistics, Research, Communication, an Cultural- Identity.

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May 2, 2011 · 1:12 am

Bitterness: Drinking Poison and Wishing Someone Else Dies


Bitterness_poison

What happens to a person when they are exposed to continual invalidation, while feeling the pain of rejection, isolation and then made to believe that what they are feeling is  not important enough to be heard?

If you have not had that experience, you will not understand what I am talking about.   After serving others for most of my life in pastoral ministry and having the unfortunate experience of having Thyroid cancer, being diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and subsequently, losing a wife to Cancer; I felt invalidated by life, the church, and everyone that I had given my life to serve.  My experience was that when I was transparent enough to share with the church, the deacons, and leaders that I was very sick,  I was pressured out of my  position by a group of religious haters. If it sounds like unresolved anger that needs expressed, let me assure you that I was angry and had good reason to be angry with people that I had invested in and who were only interested in what they wanted, while I felt so sick.  I am here to tell you from  an experience of wishing certain (unnamed) people would eat crap and die that bitterness is a counterproductive emotion and only hurts the person who is bitter.

So, I moved away and in my new location, I do not have the constant reminder that comes from seeing the people who  talk about expressing love, acceptance and mercy, but give judgment, pain, and isolation.  If that sounds serious, it is, the Bible says, “to shun the very appearance of evil” and they were acting evil so I obeyed the command and made a clean break.  As a recovering church and ministry junkie, I know now that I lived inside a religious life that only offered redemption as a concept and not as a practice.  Personally, I felt like I was  victimized by religious do gooders when, in fact, the problem was I had a distorted perception of reality.  I somehow thought Christians would be Christians when called upon. However, this belief could not have been further from the truth– people always act in their best interest and out of their own need justifying what they do.  The problem is that religious types do not want to admit that and believe that their actions are always spiritual.

Unfortunately, the assumption is not true and the result is misunderstanding, about the character of human behavior.  When a person has false expectations about people and life, then that individual ends up disillusioned and disappointed by the false ideas believed.  Disillusionment leads to failure in life, bitterness about experiences and alienation from the church.  What experience has taught me is that the church is ill-equipped at helping people who have problems. What the church is good at is creating emotional invalids, people who cannot think for themselves, and creating conformity.  The best organization in the world is the church of the Lord Jesus Christ, but it is made up of people who are a part of an organizational system that has no fail-safe approach for people who experience problems outside of the box.  What is a person to do when all that is right goes wrong leaving you in a pile ruins, then in one fell swoop everything is lost, hope is gone, and you’re left alone?

I remember when I sat in the hospice with Linda who was dying with colon cancer and thinking– remembering about how many times that I had been there with other families who had a family member dying.  I remember asking myself, “Where are those people that I served and where is the church, the pastor, the family now?  Death is one of those solitary experiences that you have to go through alone, but it is a time that no one should be alone.  If you want to invalidate someone, leave them alone when they get older and when they are dying.  I remember very clearly the isolation and loneliness of those moments.  I had just had a TIA, my sugar was out of control, my wife dying of cancer and life was ebbing away.  I sat there and waited hoping that someone would come.  I called and talked on the phone with my mother-in law who had told her dying daughter that she had received a word from God that she was going to be healed, repeatedly telling her that she did not have enough faith—she invalidated her in her dying moments in the name of a religious mysticism. Further invalidation came when she called and told me that I should take her out of Hospice because that was where people went to die– we did not have enough faith.  I understand that it was her fear of the reality of death, the children’s inability to deal with their mother’s death that explained the confusing behavior.  Meanwhile, I sat there day in and day out– around the clock wondering when someone would come.  People trickled through occasionally, sporadically– but no one really came who stayed, who invested, who made a difference.  It was not until the last week that Linda lived that her mother, dad, and brother finally came.  On the phone I had to tell her mom, if you do not come, you may never see her alive again– then she came.  How can a person ever get over that and get on with life?  What I discovered through this process is that I had faulty notions about people that made me believe that if they were really Christians they would show love, if they were family, they would show respect, if he was a pastor, he would show care, but it did not happen and I was disappointed.

What I discovered is that, generally, people are the same inside and outside the church.  The difference is that people inside the church have one set of answers about life and people who are outside the church have another set of answers.  People do act according to their personal interests, needs, and beliefs.  I believed that, somehow, people would act as I thought that I used to– go sit, pray, or give support.  The result, for me, was I got disappointed.  The point is that I thought they should, would– show interest and it made me angry, and not for myself, but that people could show such a lack of interest or could not feel a need to inconvenience themselves for someone who had cared about them throughout life.  At the end of the day, the anger that I feel has not gone away about injustice, but I have learned to manage what I felt, experienced, and is a reality. The unfortunate thing is that when such emotionally charged memories become a part of existence that it changes life forever.  I will probably never get over what has happened, but living with bitterness is no more an option that living false beliefs and expectations about people.

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April 29, 2011 · 2:57 pm

Invalidation, Control, and Bullying: Who Wins?


Invalidation

Do you recognize the picture?  Better yet, can you identify the feeling of repeatedly experiencing the sting of emotional abuse that comes from being invalidated?

Invalidation is the tool that abusers, bullies, and manipulators use to destroy the emotional self-confidence of their unwitting victims taking away their virility and power to create a meaningful life apart from the abuser.

What is invalidation and how does it affect what happens in life?  Some ways that invalidation is expressed comes through rejection, being ignored, mocked, teased, judged, or having your feelings diminished. It is an attempt for one person to control how another person feels and how long they feel it.  So, invalidation is an attempt to control what is felt, to tell you what you should think, but most of all to control what you do. The goal of invalidation  is to gain an advantage over you resulting in control over what you do, think, and feel, so as to benefit the abuser personally i.e. meet their emotional need and validate a feeling of control.

How does invalidation affect emotional development?

The effect of constant invalidation in families and relationships unfolds systemic patterns of interaction that inhibit a secure sense of self in the world.  Invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from the effects of unmet emotional needs later in life.  The crisis point for many people who have been invalidated or feeling disempowered comes in the middle years or at times characterized by developmental changes.  While growing up, a sensitive child, repeatedly invalidated becomes emotionally confused and begins to distrust his own feeling and intuition.  The impact of invalidating emotional abuse is that the developing child fails to develop confidence– a sense of the self and healthy use of the emotional brain.  What occurs is that the child adapts to adapt to a unhealthy and dysfunctional environment.  The child adapts to a way of understanding life resulting in a working relationship between thoughts and feelings built upon faulty beliefs about self, others, and life.  As a result, emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, as well as, permanently affected by the results of abusive relationships.  The results understood by reveal that the emotional processes, which worked for the person as a child, begin to work in opposition to an effective adult life.  Indeed, invalidation links in effect to many of the mental health challenges and disabling relationship problems that adults face in the family system.

How does invalidation occur?

Do people set out to be invalidated or are people just born to be abusive, making it their life’s mission to invalidate and control?  The answer may be yes and it may be no.  People are the product of their parents, are born in a certain order, and are predisposed to a certain genetic makeup, but what happens in the process of life is largely because of experiences through life.  Abusive people may have certain characteristics of behavior, but they learn very early in life that they can get results through abusing someone else.  Abusers learn to control by abusing and victims learn victimization through abuse.  An older child tells a younger child that they are going to be held back in school because they are stupid or not smart enough by an older child.  What impact does that have on self esteem?  When a mother who tells a child that they are mentally ill, they are stupid or retarded.  What impact does it have on a developing child?  The answer is that it depends on the child and the way that particular child will process what is being said.  Attach those remarks to a emotionally sensitive child or place it in a family system characterized by insecurity and self-esteem problems and invalidation takes on meaning not felt to someone who has a different life experience.

What does yesterday have to do with today?

People may not set out to be abuser, but what happens is that the pattern of relating so ingrained in behavior is automatic.  Invalidators and abusers have difficulty stopping the behavior because responses are from a learned pattern in a system of behaviors, which have worked throughout the life experience.  What can be observed is that abusive people have patterns of relating that are evident, which like a scarlet thread run through working relationships, professional and business affairs, family interaction, and marriage, and children.

I remember one night after a business meeting that one of the members who had always been in control exploded became very abusive to my wife to the point that I had to physically restrain him to calm him down.  In the exchange, there was heated verbal abuse, invalidation, physical aggression, and an effort to control through intimidation.  What I knew about this person was that there was a history of abusive behavior against former pastors using a pattern of attacking the wife and children to demoralize and exert control.  The outcome was not what the bully hoped for and something learned is that when people who are constantly being invalidated make an effort to assert independence, the abuser feels threatened and will most- likely trigger a drama.  Unfortunately, in this case, the bully became verbally and physically abusive in order to demoralize and control their unwitting victims, putting him in a no win situation.  The connection between childhood patterns and the lived-experience of an adult is the systematic ways of relating formed in the early years affects the ways relationships through are acted out in life.  For the abused person, until there is enough strength of character discovered to stop the bullying, invalidating, and abuse, the pattern continues in relationships.

Boundaries and outcome

Some people say, “It is what it is”, but really it becomes what you make it.

The unfortunate result is when people feel trapped inside a social or family-system characterized by invalidation, abuse, and dependence; there is a loss of essential hope felt– a fundamental belief that life cannot be any different.  One of the reasons for hopelessness is that every person in the system is intertwined in a maze of assumptions behaviors, rules, mores’, and perceptions that are connected to self-esteem and value in the social construct.  The pressure of social acceptance felt in family, groups, system, or sub-systems has a direct impact upon efficacy in life.  When life is characterized by emotional abuse, physical abuse, invalidation, and self-esteem problems, it will normally go on until a crisis occurs that requires-forces a change to take place.

The important factor that every person needs to understand is that, while life is lived in a community, the quality of life to be experienced comes through an individual choice –a personal journey toward wholeness.  Every person must individually take responsibility for what they will do and what life will become.  The hard truth is that people who have invalidated you will continue to do so until you take responsibility for life and not allow others to determine your happiness and outcome in life.  A popular saying states, “When you choose a behavior, you choose an outcome in life.”

Creating healthy boundaries for relationships is a way of choosing what will happen in life through relationships.  Invalidation eats away the energy of life that enables creativity, well being, security, and healthy boundaries –the ability to live in an effective manner.  The truth is that the only person that can change your life is you.

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