Happiness: Living on the Street called Choice

A question often asked by people who are having problems says something like this, “When am I ever going be to be happy”? 

An underlying factor within the question is the level of dissatisfaction felt about life experience.  Another that issue associated with concerns about future happiness is a feeling of entitlement precedes the way individuals view the outcome of life.  A way to understand expectations about future happiness in life events is energized with a core belief that happiness is the capstone that describes a problem-free life.  Therefore, the normal, natural question about challenges is whether happiness is a real possibility to be attained.  A fundamental problem with a question like this is that it looks ahead to an unknown time and looks at life experience with a particular ideal world where happiness just happens. Obviously, the answer never comes for some individuals because of a lack of clear understanding of what happiness describes or what conditions must be met to create the “state” that some people describe as happiness.  As a result, a common explanation of happiness utilizes language intertwined with feelings about circumstances in life.  For instance, some descriptions of happiness are interpreted to mean removing all anxiety or other life disturbances standing in the way of an optimum state of euphoria achieved through a pain-free existence.  Therefore, happiness built upon an idealism of reducing life expectation to a simple no pain, resistance, or other difficulty formula holds the probability of great disappointment and lingering question, “When am I ever going be to be happy”?

So what is happiness anyway?

A place to begin is with a dictionary definition, which associates happiness as an emotion of joy, gladness, satisfaction, and well-being.  Since the dictionary defines it in terms of emotion, many people may conclude that when there is the absence of those life affirming emotions mentioned that happiness is not a reality.  Apparently, somehow meaning is attached to happiness that translates into an absence of pain or difficulty.  If you are a philosopher or study the field of Ethics, you will quickly identify this definition as consistent with ideas drawn from the philosophy of Hedonism, which describes the pleasure principle as the central motif of making life work in a way to reduce pain, discomfort, and difficulty for the “greatest good” as an outcome rationale.  Applying this philosophy of life affirms the idea that when people are happy life is experienced with the least amount of difficulty, pain, or unpleasantness within life experience. Obviously, this sounds good in principle, but it is a very simplistic way to view a very complex subject that leaves the questions of people with less than positive life experience with a lack of hope that happiness can be realized.

We usually seek success in order to find happiness.

One of the fallacies in looking at happiness because of circumstances is that it constructs happiness from feelings of success or performance outcome.  However, much of life is lived on a street that has noisy neighbors, sick children, grass to mow, snow to shovel, and storms that come and go.  The result is that life is full of experiences that may not have an outcome that feels like success.  A relevant point relates to how well-being and satisfaction incorporates into a life filled with experience that evokes negative emotional responses.  Unfortunately, what is missing from the dictionary definition is a comprehensive understanding of common happiness that everyone can have no matter what life brings. In reference to this, Dr. Marla Gottschalk states that:

How we “digest” our life experiences, both negative and positive, can be instrumental in influencing levels of happiness.  As Achor explains, reported happiness cannot always be fully explained by life events themselves –it is how we view those life events that prove to be pivotal.  Many of us have a tendency to become focused upon negative information and events (possibly an evolutionary necessity).  As a result, we may under-represent our successes and fail to draw energy from them. On some level, we give up our power to be happy – by resting its fate entirely in the external world – when in fact, our “internal script” can be quite influential. Shorter-lived emotions can contribute to a broader “affect”, or tendency to feel either positive or negative. (What is happiness then? (Positive Psychology and Happiness at Work).

Happiness precedes success in the way thoughts are constructed in the mind

Happiness is a way of thinking about life that uses an organized way of mental cognition that incorporates using “pathways thinking” to create momentum in the activity of life.  Unfortunately, the notion that experiencing a particular life outcome will create happiness is conceptually flawed because this perspective lacks a consistent and measurable inference.  For instance, placing two individuals in an exact set of circumstances does not indicate that happiness will occur sequentially or is predictable.  In fact, the level of well-being felt will depend more on the way individuals think about events than the events alone.  Obviously, two people can have the same experience and value the experience in different ways.  On the other hand, another way to look at happiness is that happiness is consistent with thinking constructs, which introduces quantitative and qualitative factors into the life that individuals experience.

Think about the meaning of the word, “life”

A simple definition of life is, “the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual” (Dictionary.com). 

For many people life is just an existence or a human organic experience of conscious awareness with a sort of organic fatalism that reduces life to what we have in our genes and DNA.  However, life is much more than an organic existence of matter over a set period of time.  Life is an activity which describes a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul” (Dictionary.com) as both quality of life and quantity of time in existence.  An idea expressed in the words of Jesus that connects a meaning to life that delineates a way of thinking about life that predicts outcome in life says, “I have come to give life; and life more abundant” (John 10:10 KJV).

Textual evidence from grammar interprets life as “zōḗ – life (physical and spiritual).  … it always (only) comes from and is sustained by God’s self-existent life”.  In addition, life is modified in the use of an adjective abundant … “perissós (an adjective), properly all-around …  beyond what is anticipated, exceeding expectation”, which describes a life lived with a view of life characterized by (well-being and satisfaction=happiness).  Another related word that adds meaning to the way Christians think about happiness spoken of in the Psalms is, “blessedness”, which describes a state of being in a Christian life that orders the thoughts around a spiritual view of life that is grounded in a reflective relationship with God.  Also, “blessedness” informs existence with an aptitude, a view toward life, informing the way behavior occurs in life. An important point to make is that in the Beatitudes, (Matthew 5:ff.) happiness is not associated with the removal of pain or the absence of challenging experiences, but rather, with a changed perspective.  In fact, the idea is that optimum happiness results from life being viewed through certain definable attitudes understood about life from God’s perspective.

Thinking patterns discipline the mind to create happiness and pathways for life

Later in the Bible, The apostle Paul wrote about the activity of the mind.  He said, “every thought should be brought into captive obedience to Christ.”  The message of I Corinthians resonates the principle that ineffective ways of thinking must be superseded with organizing the thoughts around a perspective of life dominated by a positive Christian mindset.  The idea is present in the text that suggests that vain ways of thinking result in spiritual captivity to false ideas about life.  So, when life does not experience the well-being that individuals feel entitled to experience in the circumstances of life, what response should be given?  Peter said, “Gird up the loins of your mind” (1 Peter 1:13).  Strengthen the mental outlook is the central message of Peter to those facing persecution.  Obviously, there is a mental motif prescribed: When life is falling apart and does not give you the measure of success that is expected, quit fighting the circumstances to find happiness.  The point is to reorganize thinking around hope that will create new pathways, ways of thinking about life.  The consistent and compelling message about happiness is not the absence of challenging, heart-wrenching events.  The application is the message about the way thoughts are organized with a view toward life.  The application is about how inner strengths of character are identified through hope and how happiness develops a pathway to effective living. As a result, happiness will not be achieved through technological development, possession of things, or vain expectation: it is achieved through inner development of the person.

Common ideas about happiness are found in a belief that if a person takes up a hobby like wood carving, playing golf, or other activities that the unhappiness can be distracted denied, and delegitimized.  However, while distraction from pain or unhappiness may minimize the symptoms of unhappiness in life, it will not change a point of view about life.  The truth is that you can never remove unhappy events in life by replacing challenges with the innocuous placebo of pleasure.  One craving only leads to another, which leads to another reinforcing a life of pursuing pleasure to numb the pain felt about unhappiness in life circumstances.

What is the road to happiness?

The answer rests in altering ineffective thinking by cleaning up the clutter about how we organize thoughts about life.  Happiness does not guarantee that life will never face difficulty.  On the other hand, happiness changes how individual think about difficulty and what they will do when challenging moments come.  The road to happiness is joined to an inward journey of the development of the mind, spirit, and soul-life.  Indeed, spiritual life cannot be isolated in a detached metaphysical experience of escape from pain, from difficulty, or performance of duty.  The matter of importance is that happiness is rooted in a way of thinking toward life.  Therefore, the road to happiness is understanding, which leads to positive life-affirming ways of thinking reflectively about life.

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Happiness: Guilt, Criticism, and Projection

Happiness: Guilt, Criticism, and Projection

An interesting thing that I have noticed about people who feel guilty is that they are not very happy and that they invest a huge amount of energy trying to hide– cover up painful or guilty experiences from being known.  Quite often, all of the efforts to hide something– not apparent on the surface has the opposite effect.  In stead of covering up guilt, it is like wearing a badge that says, “I am guilty”.  It does not take a psychologist to figure out that a person who engages in constant criticism of others is a demonstrating a behavior cue that points to unresolved guilt.  Often, the person who is constantly calling attention, implying, suggesting others weaknesses or faults may be shining a light upon something that obviously is wrong and unresolved in the accuser.

Good Guilt v. Bad Guilt

Developmentally, guilt is an emotional warning sign that most people learn during normal childhood social development.  Guilt’s purpose is to let us know when we have done something wrong—to keep life balanced.  Good guilt operates to help us develop a better understanding about bad choice and danger in our personal behavior.  Therefore healthy expressions of guilt prompts a person examine and to re-examine behavior to prevent making the same mistake twice.  Indeed, an examination of the pathology of unresolved guilt reveals negative perceptions of what others do that triggers distorted schemas, paralyzing emotions, and distorted reactions connected to a distorted sense of self that acts like a mirror reflecting what is not seen by others and known by the accuser.  Unfortunately, misunderstood and unresolved guilt leads to depression, anxiety, and frustration that is projected on someone else rather than becoming a positive force toward change or improvement.  Guilt is normally a negative focus coming from a perception of self that moralizes what others are doing and says, “I am a bad person.  I cannot bear myself.  I am unworthy.”

 

Internalized Guilt brings Externalized Behavior

Often I have said that “the things that we notice and hate about others and that we criticize so passionately, is connected to what we hate about ourselves.  Carl Jung said, “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness’s of other people” Unfortunately, the guilt ridden accuser does not understand that criticism is a window into their own darkness.  Often, behavior is hidden so well beneath misdirected concern shared as a concern with confidants, family, friends that infers perceived wrongdoing.  What is really happening is that the guilty accuser uses inference to project their own secretive guilty behaviors on their mirror.  Unfortunately, many of the things that people feel so deeply and are so offensive –we speak so loudly, passionately, so convincingly about point back to self-perception embedded within the neurotic guilt.  Indeed, the ability of guilt to subconsciously influence how perceptions, beliefs, and beliefs about what is seen should not be underestimated, nor ignored.  For instance, in a perfect world of a developing infant, doing, something “bad” is equivalent to murdering all that is good.  As the child develops with a lived-experience of shame, performance based acceptance, and guilt ridden feelings, the inability to dispel the gnawing sense of guilt results in the child owning misunderstood feelings about guilt and he/she enters an “adult– normal society.”  In the adult world, the normal is distorted by the abnormal thinking from development filtered by a perception of life that skewed by feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, and projection.  What happens: the guilt that has been internalized, misunderstood, and unresolved is externalized in projecting behavior toward others when something is seen that feels like the internalized guilt. Then, undigested guilt triggers the guilt-projection system that regurgitates what feels like concern, looks like righteousness, demonstrating rescuing behavior upon others, while calling attention to what is hidden beneath the surface– unresolved guilt that wants to be discovered.

Psychological ProjectionCriticism and Conversations with Guilty People

When I listen to people’s conversations, it sounds like there is something not being said, but is implied.  Quite often it is what is not being said that is more important than what is being said.  For instance, when person helps someone with a situation and someone else gives the pretense of being helpful and recurrent suggestions come up about another person’s faults or problems or even a constant disdain for a particular act, at is the real issue in the conversation?  On the one hand, it may be a person who simply is genuinely concerned, but on the other hand it may be a semantically expressed language cue it that says the person talking is struggling with and projecting internalized guilt.   It makes me wonder if the concerned person really feels guilty about their own internal struggle or particular behavior that no one knows about.   While serving as a pastor, I have had those who felt duty bound to inform me about how certain people are living and taking advantage of their leadership positions and using others.  What is common to all of these conversations is that they are people who represent themselves as crusaders of right, justice, and truth is that they are guilt-ridden people who try to guilt others into conformity and want someone to take up their cause.  Personally, I think about this activity as the subtle work of Satan who is guilty and accuses others of what he is guilty of.  In the book of Revelation Satan is depicted as the one who slanders the innocent and in reality is the one who is guilty.  Therefore, a critical question about this kind of accusation and speculation is motivation.  At this point, a question important to ask is what lies beneath suspicion and why this behavior is happening at this moment?  It may be that there is really a problem that needs to be addressed, but what is the real problem? Consequently, the essential question is why do some people see things that are really not there and act on beliefs that have no substance, evidence, or possess any real real desire to help?  One answer may be that some people have a need to rescue others from what they believe is “bad behavior” because there is strongly embedded guilt that says how bad a person actually feels about self and is motivating criticism, i.e., –the person sees their own failure in the acts of others.  The effort to direct attention to someone else may simply be transference:  an effort to vicariously fix something that feels very wrong in their own life by self incriminating projection of guilt on others. … Neurotic Guilt.

Why does one person believe they are doing right by making someone else guilty– warning, judging, evaluating, devaluing, and invalidating the other persons?

The Voice of Guilt is Saying What?

When a person engages in this kind of destructive inference, crusading to gain support from others, what is the core issue in the accusation? According to Sigmund Freud, it may be projection, which is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one “projects” one’s own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings onto someone else.  Projection is one of the defense mechanisms identified by Freud that is used when someone feels threatened or feels afraid of their own impulses–, so the accuser attributes these impulses to someone else.  What is apparent among people, who make it their life’s mission to constantly criticize without sound reasoning and responsible approaches to relationships with others, is that the critic has an unresolved problem.  It is guilt– the feeling– that comes to the surface when something witnessed in others –a trigger activates  recognition of a feeling associated with a past behavior — “a been there done that experience.”  An important revelation  about constant accusing  is that recurring critical activity may be an open confession of unresolved feelings of guilt and self-esteem issues that are being attributed to someone else.

The Blame Game and What is Really Being Said

Throughout the history of the human race it is well documented that people have been struggling with guilt while denying responsibility.  The Bible records the story of creation when, Adam and Eve sinned; then, made leaves to cover up while knowing what they had done wrong.  Obviously, they did not want to take responsibility for what had happened. Therefore, the response of Eve was to pass the blame on, “it is the serpent that caused the evil act. “  The response of Adam was that it is the woman that you gave me Lord.  Guilt makes people project cover up because they are ashamed and understand that something is wrong and needs fixed.  Guilt makes people accuse because drawing attention to others behavior deflects attention away from the self –the guilty party.  Also, the fear of being exposed motivates people to project judgment for wrong doing upon someone else. Projecting guilt and packaging it in  criticism is a way of verbalizing how deeply perceptions of right and wrong— good and bad affects feelings of personal well being and personal security of the acuser.    Something to think about is that as long as attention is focused on what is wrong, what is being hidden, energy cannot be focused upon what is possible or what can make life effective, nor can you be happy.   Chaplain Murrill 04/27/2012

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Spirituality: Jesus the Church, Evangelism, Discipleship, and Multiculturalism

Which Books are You Reading?

Albert Mohler (2010) said, “As the period of emerging adulthood grows longer, young people are becoming more alienated spiritually.”  Mohler’s statement raises questions about what is occurring in 21^st century within beliefs about spirituality. It is apparent that there is a significant departure from the views held by evangelical Christians who have had a predominate voice in shaping opinions in earlier generations. A good question to ask is who or what is influencing the views of this emergent generation and will evangelical Christian maintain their ability to influence this generation?

For social theorists this might be a developmental stage of an evolving culture.  If they are correct what can be understood about the process and what is important to understand? Within the discipline of psychology, there is a principle taught in life–stage theory that every period of life has an identity crisis and skill development must occur that enables a successful transition to  face the responsibilities of the next period of existence.   The theory purports that there is a natural development process that contributes to being able to engage with life and have efficacious responses in the challenges that are a part of the experience of life.  This an interesting analogy to make about how culture is developing, but what is the result of the process?

The results are portrayed in a fundamental gap between generations and that the distinctive beliefs of the past have not been articulated in a way that demonstrates a connection between what has been believed about matters of faith, morality, and God and what is believed now.  One of the questions may be have we advanced as a culture in the view about spirituality? Consider the views of the past generation about spirituality.  Is the earlier better informed than the present?  If so, has the view of the past informed, equipped, the present generation with the essential skills to enter a new time, face different responsibilities-challenges?

Could it be that Spirituality in America is in need of family systems therapy?

Apparently there are perceptions about spirituality today suggests a noticeable departure from traditionally held views of spirituality to a changing perspective. Ed Stetzer (2011) says, “This generation is open to God and spirituality. When asked if they considered themselves to be spiritual, 73 percent of respondents age 20-29 answered affirmatively” (Stetzer).  In response, a question that may not be addressed adequately in literature today is what impact does how the last period–generation approached spirituality have upon the present understanding of spirituality?  What is apparent is that there is a clear disconnect from traditionally held views.  Has a rebellious child of the 60’s 70’s or 80’s been raised and is misbehaving and we don’t like what is happening?

The statistics cited by Stetzer (2001) indicates that the respondents are indeed open to God and have a belief that they are spiritual, which essentially is not different than previous generations, but in retrospect, what does it really mean?

One assumption is that because there is openness and the basic belief about personal spirituality that there is motivation to understand life in spiritual terms and indeed someone—something is defining what spirituality means.  Sometimes I hear people referring to culture as an evil force – a collective consciousness that is leading people away from or at odds with another point of view. However, culture is better understood as “The totality of socially transmitted behavior patterns, arts, beliefs, institutions, and all other products of human work and thought” (Free Dictionary) which describes culture as a defining force in a point of view. Therefore, there are culturally implicit beliefs, behaviors, and values characterizing the way differing generations, groups, races, and religions internalize information and externalize behaviors. As Stetzer (2011) describes this generation, it is not a generalization about all modern culture, but an indication of a group perspective.

A caution about generalizing statistics that needs to be understood is that popular surveys are not scientifically validated and some research that is offered–used to infer conclusions–may not be accurately applied.  An example of this is how people often say that “we live in a Christian nation” which reflects the point of view that historically may be valid, but unfortunately is not a fair nor accurate collective representation of America. Therefore, a larger question that needs to be understood which moves beyond what popular beliefs are is where do the respondents, 20-29 year olds,  get their point of view and what influences within this cultural group impact the perceptions reported, and what conclusions can be inferred about what spiritual communication will engage this emergent generation?

A fundamental question posited here is can this generation be engaged in a discussion about spirituality and motivated to respond without others understanding what prompts what millennial’s value and believe?

Understanding what the behavior means and what is shaping the values of 20-29 year olds is not interesting or appealing to many people. However, a challenge for traditional– modern Americans is to accept that multi-culturalism is shaping the view of people.  If  there is going to be meaningful engagement of the emerging peoples, groups, and cultures, it means that understanding what is driving the point of view, what are the assumptions, and how competence can be developed that enables an understanding outside of self which is motivated by an interest in connecting generations that are disconnected and can benefit from what the other brings to the process.

It is an easy thing to generalize and for adults to look at small children and expect them to understand and behave as an adult.  It is also easy for children to look at their parents and think they are really not very informed and disregard what may be simply not understood.  Unfortunately, in the milieu of cafeteria-style spirituality, the absence of a distinctive clarifying voice  that is having a significant impact upon culture, there is a danger present of morally and spiritually bankrupting the core values in modern culture.

Keywords: Spirituality, Culture, Sociology, Multi-culturalism, Generations, Millennial, Perspective, Perception, Beliefs, Consciousness, Behaviors, Generalizing, Statistics, Research, Communication, an Cultural- Identity.

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Bitterness: Drinking Poison and Wishing Someone Else Dies

What happens to a person when they are exposed to continual invalidation, while feeling the pain of rejection, isolation and then made to believe that what they are feeling is  not important enough to be heard?

If you have not had that experience, you will not understand what I am talking about.   After serving others for most of my life in pastoral ministry and having the unfortunate experience of having Thyroid cancer, being diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and subsequently, losing a wife to Cancer; I felt invalidated by life, the church, and everyone that I had given my life to serve.  My experience was that when I was transparent enough to share with the church, the deacons, and leaders that I was very sick,  I was pressured out of my  position by a group of religious haters. If it sounds like unresolved anger that needs expressed, let me assure you that I was angry and had good reason to be angry with people that I had invested in and who were only interested in what they wanted, while I felt so sick.  I am here to tell you from  an experience of wishing certain (unnamed) people would eat crap and die that bitterness is a counterproductive emotion and only hurts the person who is bitter.

So, I moved away and in my new location, I do not have the constant reminder that comes from seeing the people who  talk about expressing love, acceptance and mercy, but give judgment, pain, and isolation.  If that sounds serious, it is, the Bible says, “to shun the very appearance of evil” and they were acting evil so I obeyed the command and made a clean break.  As a recovering church and ministry junkie, I know now that I lived inside a religious life that only offered redemption as a concept and not as a practice.  Personally, I felt like I was  victimized by religious do gooders when, in fact, the problem was I had a distorted perception of reality.  I somehow thought Christians would be Christians when called upon. However, this belief could not have been further from the truth– people always act in their best interest and out of their own need justifying what they do.  The problem is that religious types do not want to admit that and believe that their actions are always spiritual.

Unfortunately, the assumption is not true and the result is misunderstanding, about the character of human behavior.  When a person has false expectations about people and life, then that individual ends up disillusioned and disappointed by the false ideas believed.  Disillusionment leads to failure in life, bitterness about experiences and alienation from the church.  What experience has taught me is that the church is ill-equipped at helping people who have problems. What the church is good at is creating emotional invalids, people who cannot think for themselves, and creating conformity.  The best organization in the world is the church of the Lord Jesus Christ, but it is made up of people who are a part of an organizational system that has no fail-safe approach for people who experience problems outside of the box.  What is a person to do when all that is right goes wrong leaving you in a pile ruins, then in one fell swoop everything is lost, hope is gone, and you’re left alone?

I remember when I sat in the hospice with Linda who was dying with colon cancer and thinking– remembering about how many times that I had been there with other families who had a family member dying.  I remember asking myself, “Where are those people that I served and where is the church, the pastor, the family now?  Death is one of those solitary experiences that you have to go through alone, but it is a time that no one should be alone.  If you want to invalidate someone, leave them alone when they get older and when they are dying.  I remember very clearly the isolation and loneliness of those moments.  I had just had a TIA, my sugar was out of control, my wife dying of cancer and life was ebbing away.  I sat there and waited hoping that someone would come.  I called and talked on the phone with my mother-in law who had told her dying daughter that she had received a word from God that she was going to be healed, repeatedly telling her that she did not have enough faith—she invalidated her in her dying moments in the name of a religious mysticism. Further invalidation came when she called and told me that I should take her out of Hospice because that was where people went to die– we did not have enough faith.  I understand that it was her fear of the reality of death, the children’s inability to deal with their mother’s death that explained the confusing behavior.  Meanwhile, I sat there day in and day out– around the clock wondering when someone would come.  People trickled through occasionally, sporadically– but no one really came who stayed, who invested, who made a difference.  It was not until the last week that Linda lived that her mother, dad, and brother finally came.  On the phone I had to tell her mom, if you do not come, you may never see her alive again– then she came.  How can a person ever get over that and get on with life?  What I discovered through this process is that I had faulty notions about people that made me believe that if they were really Christians they would show love, if they were family, they would show respect, if he was a pastor, he would show care, but it did not happen and I was disappointed.

What I discovered is that, generally, people are the same inside and outside the church.  The difference is that people inside the church have one set of answers about life and people who are outside the church have another set of answers.  People do act according to their personal interests, needs, and beliefs.  I believed that, somehow, people would act as I thought that I used to– go sit, pray, or give support.  The result, for me, was I got disappointed.  The point is that I thought they should, would– show interest and it made me angry, and not for myself, but that people could show such a lack of interest or could not feel a need to inconvenience themselves for someone who had cared about them throughout life.  At the end of the day, the anger that I feel has not gone away about injustice, but I have learned to manage what I felt, experienced, and is a reality. The unfortunate thing is that when such emotionally charged memories become a part of existence that it changes life forever.  I will probably never get over what has happened, but living with bitterness is no more an option that living false beliefs and expectations about people.

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Invalidation, Control, and Bullying: Who Wins?

Do you recognize the picture?  Better yet, can you identify the feeling of repeatedly experiencing the sting of emotional abuse that comes from being invalidated?

Invalidation is the tool that abusers, bullies, and manipulators use to destroy the emotional self-confidence of their unwitting victims taking away their virility and power to create a meaningful life apart from the abuser.

What is invalidation and how does it affect what happens in life?  Some ways that invalidation is expressed comes through rejection, being ignored, mocked, teased, judged, or having your feelings diminished. It is an attempt for one person to control how another person feels and how long they feel it.  So, invalidation is an attempt to control what is felt, to tell you what you should think, but most of all to control what you do. The goal of invalidation  is to gain an advantage over you resulting in control over what you do, think, and feel, so as to benefit the abuser personally i.e. meet their emotional need and validate a feeling of control.

How does invalidation affect emotional development?

The effect of constant invalidation in families and relationships unfolds systemic patterns of interaction that inhibit a secure sense of self in the world.  Invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from the effects of unmet emotional needs later in life.  The crisis point for many people who have been invalidated or feeling disempowered comes in the middle years or at times characterized by developmental changes.  While growing up, a sensitive child, repeatedly invalidated becomes emotionally confused and begins to distrust his own feeling and intuition.  The impact of invalidating emotional abuse is that the developing child fails to develop confidence– a sense of the self and healthy use of the emotional brain.  What occurs is that the child adapts to adapt to a unhealthy and dysfunctional environment.  The child adapts to a way of understanding life resulting in a working relationship between thoughts and feelings built upon faulty beliefs about self, others, and life.  As a result, emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, as well as, permanently affected by the results of abusive relationships.  The results understood by reveal that the emotional processes, which worked for the person as a child, begin to work in opposition to an effective adult life.  Indeed, invalidation links in effect to many of the mental health challenges and disabling relationship problems that adults face in the family system.

How does invalidation occur?

Do people set out to be invalidated or are people just born to be abusive, making it their life’s mission to invalidate and control?  The answer may be yes and it may be no.  People are the product of their parents, are born in a certain order, and are predisposed to a certain genetic makeup, but what happens in the process of life is largely because of experiences through life.  Abusive people may have certain characteristics of behavior, but they learn very early in life that they can get results through abusing someone else.  Abusers learn to control by abusing and victims learn victimization through abuse.  An older child tells a younger child that they are going to be held back in school because they are stupid or not smart enough by an older child.  What impact does that have on self esteem?  When a mother who tells a child that they are mentally ill, they are stupid or retarded.  What impact does it have on a developing child?  The answer is that it depends on the child and the way that particular child will process what is being said.  Attach those remarks to a emotionally sensitive child or place it in a family system characterized by insecurity and self-esteem problems and invalidation takes on meaning not felt to someone who has a different life experience.

What does yesterday have to do with today?

People may not set out to be abuser, but what happens is that the pattern of relating so ingrained in behavior is automatic.  Invalidators and abusers have difficulty stopping the behavior because responses are from a learned pattern in a system of behaviors, which have worked throughout the life experience.  What can be observed is that abusive people have patterns of relating that are evident, which like a scarlet thread run through working relationships, professional and business affairs, family interaction, and marriage, and children.

I remember one night after a business meeting that one of the members who had always been in control exploded became very abusive to my wife to the point that I had to physically restrain him to calm him down.  In the exchange, there was heated verbal abuse, invalidation, physical aggression, and an effort to control through intimidation.  What I knew about this person was that there was a history of abusive behavior against former pastors using a pattern of attacking the wife and children to demoralize and exert control.  The outcome was not what the bully hoped for and something learned is that when people who are constantly being invalidated make an effort to assert independence, the abuser feels threatened and will most- likely trigger a drama.  Unfortunately, in this case, the bully became verbally and physically abusive in order to demoralize and control their unwitting victims, putting him in a no win situation.  The connection between childhood patterns and the lived-experience of an adult is the systematic ways of relating formed in the early years affects the ways relationships through are acted out in life.  For the abused person, until there is enough strength of character discovered to stop the bullying, invalidating, and abuse, the pattern continues in relationships.

Boundaries and outcome

Some people say, “It is what it is”, but really it becomes what you make it.

The unfortunate result is when people feel trapped inside a social or family-system characterized by invalidation, abuse, and dependence; there is a loss of essential hope felt– a fundamental belief that life cannot be any different.  One of the reasons for hopelessness is that every person in the system is intertwined in a maze of assumptions behaviors, rules, mores’, and perceptions that are connected to self-esteem and value in the social construct.  The pressure of social acceptance felt in family, groups, system, or sub-systems has a direct impact upon efficacy in life.  When life is characterized by emotional abuse, physical abuse, invalidation, and self-esteem problems, it will normally go on until a crisis occurs that requires-forces a change to take place.

The important factor that every person needs to understand is that, while life is lived in a community, the quality of life to be experienced comes through an individual choice –a personal journey toward wholeness.  Every person must individually take responsibility for what they will do and what life will become.  The hard truth is that people who have invalidated you will continue to do so until you take responsibility for life and not allow others to determine your happiness and outcome in life.  A popular saying states, “When you choose a behavior, you choose an outcome in life.”

Creating healthy boundaries for relationships is a way of choosing what will happen in life through relationships.  Invalidation eats away the energy of life that enables creativity, well being, security, and healthy boundaries –the ability to live in an effective manner.  The truth is that the only person that can change your life is you.

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Happiness: Success and a Well-Lived Life

What does it mean to be a success in life in the 21st century? I suppose the answer you get depends upon who you ask. One important thing that seems to stand out this morning is that it is really hard to feel successful at anything when you are not happy. Abraham Lincoln said, “Most people are about as happy as they choose to be.”

This is a thought provoking statement that indicates that happiness is a choice that people make as well as implying that success is a secondary result of happiness. Often, when people think about happiness, thoughts are conjured up of people who laugh and smile a lot, but that is not really accurate. Happiness is not based upon circumstances, in psychological terms, it is better understood as an approach to life that is present in spite of circumstances that provides hope, resilience, and strengths of values under-girding a perspective toward what is done in life. One thing for sure is that it is not what happens to us in life that determines success, rather, it is connected to how we feel about what happens and how the experience is internalized into life actions.

A well-lived life is connected to positive emotions that are internalized into beliefs, perception, and attitudes, which provide the substance of life affirming actions– behaviors in the experience of life. Positive emotions and efficacious actions are connected to the ability to have positive affirming relationships that characterize relationship in groups, social interaction, and organizational life. At the heart of life characterized by a pattern of broken relationships is a missing element of hope. The missing element is happiness that gives meaning to life– the wind in the sails of life bringing accomplishment within circumstances The point is that success in life is very much connected to happiness and its is definitely something that you have to choose in life.

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Spirituality in a Postmodern Age: The Decline of the West and Spirituality.

Adam and Eve Expelled From Garden

Postmodernism: — a state of mind in a particular period of history affecting every area of western culture

Postmodernism is a term that has gained popularity in scholarly writing as well as casual conversations. Thomas Guarino (1996) says, “It’s a “movement” that has inspired raging debates about ‘the cult theory’ across the arts and sciences” (p. 654) My intention in this paper about postmodernism is not to solve the debate, but to understand the influence that state of mind held has upon contemporary beliefs about spirituality.

What Does Research say About Postmodernism?
A description given by Daniel J. Adams (1997) says, “The postmodern era can best be understood in terms of four major characteristics: the decline of the West, the legitimation crisis, the intellectual marketplace, and the process of deconstruction” (Toward a theological understanding of postmodernism).

What Adams perspective demonstrates is a fundamental shift in thinking that began in a demonstrable period of time and is associated with significant phenomenon in Western Culture characterized with the period of decline.
His analysis of Western Decline draws attention to point of view that is fundamental to an evolution of spiritual meaning that has correlates to historical-cultural development. Adams (1997) says, “the legitimation crisis, identified with metanarrative show [what] is now being seriously called into question” (2). Unlimited development and capitalistic in American ideology versus environmental pollution, limited resources, concerns about nuclear proliferation—use of energy, environmental threats, third world poverty, and the goals of the NAFTA have deligitimated what had characterized capitalism and the success of the West. Postmodern thinking is characterized by a shift in state of mind about core beliefs that are delegitimized in an essential devaluation of past matters of importance.

Adams, draws attention to another significant development correlated to Western Decline the, “metanarrative of Judeo-Christian sexual ethic” (p. 2)  characterizing American culture.  His perspective identifies the shift of views about sexuality chastity, homosexuality, marriage, divorce, and traditional view of marriage as another deconstructed normative value in culture. With Judeo-Christian ethics disempowered from authoritative acceptance, norms from the past are replaced with a plurality of views with no central source of knowledge or universally held value to describe a way of life experience in America. Deligitimation in postmodern life of the Judeo Christian ethic demonstrates changing beliefs about marriage, sexual behavior, and accepted norms indicate a shifting emphasis upon past.

A perspective about the impact of postmodernism upon Christian thought is offered by David Couchman (2002) who describes how mind set has been affected: “if you drop a frog into boiling water, it will jump out immediately, but if you put it in cold water and heat it slowly, you can boil it alive because it does not realize what is happening. … We think we know what is going on, while the culture in which we are immersed is slowly killing us without our realizing it” (Couchman, 2002, p. p. 74).

References
Adams, D. L. (1997). Toward a theological understanding of postmodernism. Retrieved March 30, 2011, from Crosscurrents: http://crosscurrents.orh/adams.html

Couchman, D. (2002). Facing the challenge of our times equipping christians to respond biblically and effectively to postmodernism. Evangel , 20 (3), pp. 74-78 retrieved from EBSCOhost March 09, 2011.

Guarino, T. (1996). Postmodernity and five fundamental theological issues [electronic version]. Theological Studies , 57 (4), Retrieved from EBSCOhost March 30,2011.

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Ethics, Consulting, Fees and Billing: The Problem of Unexpected Expenses

An I/O consultant providing consultation services looks at consulting proposal and gives an estimate of services to be provided based upon a careful analysis of time and resources required to complete the company’s employment recruiting program.  However, after the initial interview with the HR staff, it is discovered that the process will be much more labor intensive than had been projected.  Feeling that it would be unethical to submit a bill for an amount to cover additional cost, the decision is made to absorb the cost. (Ford, 2006, p. 199)

Analyzing key ethical principles of the case that raises important questions about financial benefit that might impinge upon decision making and poses the question about what constitutes ethical behavior within a consulting role in this situation. This example presents a common problem that consultants might be faced with and presents a challenge to identify what issues are of concern and understand what the correct course of response may be when unexpected issues have an impact upon fees increasing.  How can the problem should be handled ethically?

The problem

The problem that is presented is whether it is ethical to change payment or billing amounts after discovering that a situation in a consult is more complicated after the fact. Narrowing the problem to an identifiable question redirects attention to asking what the code of ethics says about payment for services: 6.04 Fees and Financial Arrangements which states, “(a) As early as is feasible in a professional or scientific relationship, psychologists and recipients of psychological services reach an agreement specifying compensation and billing arrangements” (Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct 2010).  One fundamental problem that is not answered in the study is whether or not informed consent is a part of the financial agreement for services. In 10.01 Informed Consent to Therapy, the stipulation is made that:

(a) psychologists inform clients/patients as early as is feasible in the therapeutic relationship about the nature and anticipated course of therapy, fees, involvement of third parties, and limits of confidentiality and provide sufficient opportunity for the client/patient to ask questions and receive answers (Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct 2010).

As a result to make a decision, hypothetically there needs to be a Q&A with the consultant to determine if informed consent has been used and has the terms and course of the services for therapeutic services been accurately developed, presented, and an opportunity to a proposed plan of treatment to be executed.  A further problem that seems to be present is that only an estimation of anticipated cost has been given which may point to a competency issue in analysis of proposed services.

A Process

A recommendation that might prevent this situation is to make an attempt to be as thorough as possible in the preparation of informed consent documents that represent as accurately as possible the scope and terms of services rendered.  Another approach is to use an open clause in the process that stipulates what is understood to be a reasonable course of action and a disclaimer which allows the informed consent to have an addendum to services based upon research findings.  In the event that services are beyond reasonable limits for a client, then the practitioner has to make a value decision in how to proceed with consulting responsibilities.  In a question of feasibility of service, one question is centered in the general Principle B: Fidelity and Responsibility and Principle C: Integrity that may demonstrate a potential conflict in the Principle A: Beneficence and Nonmaleficence (Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct 2010). Consequently, a decision must be evaluated in respect to the matter of whether the services offered can be provided at an optimum level that guards the principle of doing no harm, while providing services for the agreed terms.

References

Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct 2010. (n.d.). Retrieved August 29, 2010, from Amercan Psychological Association: http://www.apa.org/ethics/code/index.aspx

Ford, G. (2006). Ethical reasoning for mental health professionals. Thousand Oaks, California, USA: Sage Publications.

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Borderline Personality Disorder: Hidden Within The Family System

The Borderline Triad

Family life that includes interaction with a borderline personality has the potential of creating a domino effect triggering toxic behaviors and relationship problems having the potential to disrupt, shatter or destroy social and family relationships.  However friends and onlookers who do not understand, mysteriously ignore what is happening and the behavior goes unrecognized for years, with people, never questioning what is happening in daily interaction.  A difficulty with this type of behavioral disorder is understanding that that, “Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental disorder with a characteristic pervasive pattern of instability in affect regulation, impulse control, interpersonal relationships, and self-image effect” (Lieb K., 2004, p. 453).

Further misunderstanding  is magnified when there is not a distinguishable way to understand why behavior occurs or what it means.   Unfortunately, families that borderline personalities are part of have relationship patterns that are characterized by toxic patterns of interaction that result in abusive and  enabling behavior, thus disabling functionality with the individual as well as the extended family.  Therefore, when families fail to recognize what these behaviors, patterns of relating develop naturally to adapt and manage what is misunderstood in ways that may not be beneficial.

The problem that is not understood contains a fundamental failure to construct healthy ways of living and relating effectively.  Consequently, a relational mythology constructed paints a picture of perceived functionality; thereby establishing a group expectation that seems normal, but is it really?

The adaptive behavioral effects are cloaked by denial of the existing reality that something is wrong.  The outcome demonstrates an inability to experience functional intimacy; thereby hiding the problem that is beneath the unusual behavior occurring.  As a result, there is a life where secrecy, emotional abuse, codependency, and bullying behaviors are major themes accompanying the daily interaction within family life.  Consequently, is the rule attached to a distorted self-concept.  What results is a feeling of dis-empowerment fueled by belief that this can never change resulting in relating through acquiescing to dysfunctional patterns erroneously felt to represent a safety zone to experience life.

Family Systems

All families develop coping strategies for managing relationships, but often times those ways are not the best approach to address the central issues within a family system.  It is a plausible reality that the family members inside the system do not understand clearly what is happening and are confused or in denial. Therefore, not being able to see the problem clearly results in a distorted sense of reality and skewed expectations of life.  As a result, family rituals, expectations, phenomenology and internalized mores’ create demands for participating in family life, which contribute to social reinforcement of problematic behaviors.  Therefore, enabling acceptance of anomalies that otherwise would be considered unacceptable.  Indeed, everyone likes to believe that they are objective and that they are not contributing to destructive patterns of relating, that in effect are damaging, and many times destroying relationships. However, the question that participants in the system need to ask is what role is going to be played; will it be the enabler, the excuser, or the examiner? The person  who decides to be a rescuer participates in the destructive behaviors excusing and then enabling by refusing to acknowledge there is something that is not right. Unfortunately, it is thinking and believing that helping means fighting to keep everything  the same.

Motivators and Influences

One essential problem that is fundamental to misunderstanding BPD is that most people do not know any more about personality disorders than we do about cancer.  When I think back upon my own experience with cancer and my wife who died from cancer; I often wonder why this went undiagnosed and untreated, while we were seeing doctors who should have understood.  Also, knowing what I know now, why did we not pay closer attention to clear indications that there was a problem and do something about the cancer.  The problem was that it was diagnosed too late for her to recover and the end result was that the cancer that was hidden destroyed her life. What might have been avoided, if we had taken time to think, brought an unimaginable reality and destruction of everything that was loved and hoped for in life.  Borderline personality, for some people, is eating away at what creates and sustains healthy relationships and because it is not recognized or easily diagnosed as a result, it is misunderstood. Unfortunately, the unimaginable destruction is becoming a reality the longer the disease is ignored.

Genetic Influence

A problem existing  within  mental disorders is establishing what the relationship is between symptoms and the etiology of biological problems.  Historically, an  ongoing debate focuses upon the question of origin or cause.  Can mental illnesses be inherited or is personality disorder caused by a negative impact of life events, trauma, stress, or other related symptoms?  A source providing clarity is medical history connected to of the family of origin. Research performed about genetic factors of mental health indicates that, “There are several lines of evidence from family studies supporting a possible genetic association of borderline personality and affective disorders” (MacKinnon, 2006, p. 6). As a result, family medical history, mental health histories , and relationship history create a link to what is happening.

When anomalies in behavior occurs what can be made of the connection between biology and behavior?  An assumption might be made that the borderline is angry or acting out. This  is a  behavior cue that something is seriously wrong and very puzzling–especially when family and acquaintances treat the behavior as unimportant.  One response to what happened is in how the genetic-biological history of the person is organized. In general, science connects the conditions in the family history and suggests a link between the behavior that causes someone, who gives every indication that they are apparently honest and intelligent in other ways to engage in impulsive and reckless behavior without thought of consequences.

What causes emotional dysregulation to occur when there is a perceived, intense feeling of abandonment, rejection, or loss of control?  It may be that what is hidden by a casual look at circumstances may be better understood through looking at genetic predisposition indicating what motivates a person who looks like an upright individual to suddenly rationalize extreme behavior, while totally disregarding the autonomy of other  family members.  It is perplexing at the very least to understand why BPD individuals act as they do.  Consequently to sum it up, when there is a strong history that suggests mental health disease demonstrates significant patterns through family history, genetics, and systemic behaviors; there may be sound reasons to conclude that there is an identifiable systemic pattern for the behavior being elicited by the ongoing emotional dysregulation.

Unfortunately, denial and a fundamental lack of understanding creates a state of denial that promotes a false sense of security that life is under control.  However, the great danger is that when behaviors suggest BPD and it is ignored, families convince themselves that it is not happening and live with constant confusion and disillusionment. A good question to ask is whether creating a mythology and magical thinking can negate the serious effect of what is really happening?  A philosophers question about perception says: ‘if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound”?   The moral is the quote reminds us to think about what may be happening around us that is actually happening, but we just are not aware of what is happening because we are not there to hear.  The fact is that what is not heard or understood is often hidden in the secrecy of a  family system where denial provides a false sense of security that creates a artificial safe zone where the noise of behavior is not being heard by those around the Borderline, but that does not mean BPD behaviors are not happening in the context of life.

References

Lieb K., Z. M. (2004). Borderline personality disorder. The Lancet , 364, 453-61, doi:10.1016/S0140-6736(04)16770-6.

MacKinnon, D. F. (2006). Affective instability as rapid cycling: Theoretical and clinical implications for borderline personality and bipolar spectrum disorders. Bipolar Disorders , 8 (1), 1-14. doi:10.1111/j.1399-5618.2006.00283.x.

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Finding Balance: Are My Feelings Giving A Correct Assessment of Life?

I was recently talking to someone who’s parent had died and the father remarried within a year. As we spoke, I heard the painful story describing the personal experience of a person who felt that remarriage changed the surviving parent and subsequently believed that the father no longer loved them. It reminds me that how a person feels about what happens may essentially be more important than what actually happens.  For example, the feeling of rejection coupled with loneliness  and isolation has a devastating effect upon the life of people who have lost the sense of belongingness and sense of love  in a family system. Equally important is a parent who has lost their meaning and purpose in life and  has found someone to have relationship, companionship,and some hope for a better life.  However while fulfilling a personal need, the message felt by family members is that they are not loved, you have changed, and we are being unfairly treated.  A good question to ask here is what is the real issue?  The answer is complicated, but simply put is a matter of where a person is standing and how we feel about where we are standing.  I honestly believe that all behavior is driven by need felt in and through life experience.

The challenge within finding balance in changing relationships connects to the fact of how we feel and not necessarily in what is really happening.  A truth is that life has changed and people’s behaviors appear different, but what needs to be asked is: Why do people see things as they do and behave as they do?

One obvious answer is that every person has their own perspective of events from where they are standing in a situation.  Another answer is theoretical, a Rogerian principle which echoes a perspective that, it is not the activating event– it is how we feel an about event that is important.  A relative truth is that, in conflict, feelings count about 90% and fact about 10%.  While feelings are important in a lived experience the unanswered question is, “are my feelings a true reflection of reality?”  This is difficult because when something is rooted in perceptions and feelings, it is what we believe to be true from our perspective that we respond to which may not be always accurate.  If we could tape the inner conversation of an individual in a situation and play it back, what would it say?   What might be heard is a story of how the world is understood/misunderstood and is fueling the feeling not being loved, not as important, or the feeling of replacement by someone new.

Feeling is what drives the behavior which in turn reinforces what is believed to be true; thus becoming, a self-fulfilling prophecy.  What is not understood is that the fear of loss and abandonment actually motivates self-protecting behavior which, in turn, causes our worst fear to become a reality.  When actions are in accordance with what is really believed– felt to be true; then what is really believed become the reality that we see, experience, and live out.

Some misunderstood facts may be missing that contribute to feeling wrongly and behaving badly. When someone dies or divorce occurs, one fact is that family dynamics change and relationships are redefined as a natural developmental process.  A normal response is that change is resisted as responses demonstrate the component of denial that says, “I know it happened but nothing has really changed–life will go on as it always has .”  The idealistic response given is an effort to hang on to the past in an attempt to avoid the crisis that has come.  Many changes present an unnatural development which individuals are not ready for and the harder that we resist it, the harder life is to live  in a healthy way.  At the core of idealism is a statement about how self-concept, self-esteem, and our social identity are defined.  Erickson described the life-stage developments and how at each stage of life, there is a crisis of identity— the life-stage faced  is the unnatural event and if we have not brought a scaffold with us–adaptability, experience, maturity, understanding, which provide skills to navigate into what is ahead, we will revisit the struggle over and over until the skills are developed.

Most everyone has heard of Helen Keubler Ross’s stages of grief that are so often talked about, but I do not know if we understand that denial in the grief process is very similar to  act of resistance that is experienced in change.  In one event, an unexpected development, i.e., death of a child, husband/wife, parent, or family member has married someone else an unnatural event has force circumstances to be faced that are not planned out ahead of time.  A common thread is found in all adjustment to life tragedies; an inability to accept change.  An important truth is that an inability to respond is motivated by unresolved grief  coupled with feelings which frames perception that we have of ourselves, as well as , what is happening.   An important question in moments like this is: Am I seeing this correctly, or is my response based upon a perception of life events that are distorted by the unresolved process of grief where denial is being acted out.  A  story that says, “I am afraid that I have been abandoned again so I cannot accept what has changed, so as long as I stay there, I won’t have to face the fear of not knowing who I really am.”  Obviously, the hardest person to be honest with is yourself and until you can be, the experience of life experience will supply what is believed to be true. Think about this: There is only one person that can change how you feel.  Unfortunately, people who are stuck in the feeling stage of perception that will not accept change, no amount of rational information, discussion, or evidence will phase them.  Change is a personal decision and until individuals are willing to look in the mirror of reality and gain a rational perspective of life events the struggle will go on having and feelings will shape perspective into  a picture of life that may feel real, but is it?

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