Happiness: Guilt, Criticism, and Projection

Happiness: Guilt, Criticism, and Projection

An interesting thing that I have noticed about people who feel guilty is that they are not very happy and that they invest a huge amount of energy trying to hide– cover up painful or guilty experiences from being known.  Quite often, all of the efforts to hide something– not apparent on the surface has the opposite effect.  In stead of covering up guilt, it is like wearing a badge that says, “I am guilty”.  It does not take a psychologist to figure out that a person who engages in constant criticism of others is a demonstrating a behavior cue that points to unresolved guilt.  Often, the person who is constantly calling attention, implying, suggesting others weaknesses or faults may be shining a light upon something that obviously is wrong and unresolved in the accuser.

Good Guilt v. Bad Guilt

Developmentally, guilt is an emotional warning sign that most people learn during normal childhood social development.  Guilt’s purpose is to let us know when we have done something wrong—to keep life balanced.  Good guilt operates to help us develop a better understanding about bad choice and danger in our personal behavior.  Therefore healthy expressions of guilt prompts a person examine and to re-examine behavior to prevent making the same mistake twice.  Indeed, an examination of the pathology of unresolved guilt reveals negative perceptions of what others do that triggers distorted schemas, paralyzing emotions, and distorted reactions connected to a distorted sense of self that acts like a mirror reflecting what is not seen by others and known by the accuser.  Unfortunately, misunderstood and unresolved guilt leads to depression, anxiety, and frustration that is projected on someone else rather than becoming a positive force toward change or improvement.  Guilt is normally a negative focus coming from a perception of self that moralizes what others are doing and says, “I am a bad person.  I cannot bear myself.  I am unworthy.”

 

Internalized Guilt brings Externalized Behavior

Often I have said that “the things that we notice and hate about others and that we criticize so passionately, is connected to what we hate about ourselves.  Carl Jung said, “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness’s of other people” Unfortunately, the guilt ridden accuser does not understand that criticism is a window into their own darkness.  Often, behavior is hidden so well beneath misdirected concern shared as a concern with confidants, family, friends that infers perceived wrongdoing.  What is really happening is that the guilty accuser uses inference to project their own secretive guilty behaviors on their mirror.  Unfortunately, many of the things that people feel so deeply and are so offensive –we speak so loudly, passionately, so convincingly about point back to self-perception embedded within the neurotic guilt.  Indeed, the ability of guilt to subconsciously influence how perceptions, beliefs, and beliefs about what is seen should not be underestimated, nor ignored.  For instance, in a perfect world of a developing infant, doing, something “bad” is equivalent to murdering all that is good.  As the child develops with a lived-experience of shame, performance based acceptance, and guilt ridden feelings, the inability to dispel the gnawing sense of guilt results in the child owning misunderstood feelings about guilt and he/she enters an “adult– normal society.”  In the adult world, the normal is distorted by the abnormal thinking from development filtered by a perception of life that skewed by feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, and projection.  What happens: the guilt that has been internalized, misunderstood, and unresolved is externalized in projecting behavior toward others when something is seen that feels like the internalized guilt. Then, undigested guilt triggers the guilt-projection system that regurgitates what feels like concern, looks like righteousness, demonstrating rescuing behavior upon others, while calling attention to what is hidden beneath the surface– unresolved guilt that wants to be discovered.

Psychological ProjectionCriticism and Conversations with Guilty People

When I listen to people’s conversations, it sounds like there is something not being said, but is implied.  Quite often it is what is not being said that is more important than what is being said.  For instance, when person helps someone with a situation and someone else gives the pretense of being helpful and recurrent suggestions come up about another person’s faults or problems or even a constant disdain for a particular act, at is the real issue in the conversation?  On the one hand, it may be a person who simply is genuinely concerned, but on the other hand it may be a semantically expressed language cue it that says the person talking is struggling with and projecting internalized guilt.   It makes me wonder if the concerned person really feels guilty about their own internal struggle or particular behavior that no one knows about.   While serving as a pastor, I have had those who felt duty bound to inform me about how certain people are living and taking advantage of their leadership positions and using others.  What is common to all of these conversations is that they are people who represent themselves as crusaders of right, justice, and truth is that they are guilt-ridden people who try to guilt others into conformity and want someone to take up their cause.  Personally, I think about this activity as the subtle work of Satan who is guilty and accuses others of what he is guilty of.  In the book of Revelation Satan is depicted as the one who slanders the innocent and in reality is the one who is guilty.  Therefore, a critical question about this kind of accusation and speculation is motivation.  At this point, a question important to ask is what lies beneath suspicion and why this behavior is happening at this moment?  It may be that there is really a problem that needs to be addressed, but what is the real problem? Consequently, the essential question is why do some people see things that are really not there and act on beliefs that have no substance, evidence, or possess any real real desire to help?  One answer may be that some people have a need to rescue others from what they believe is “bad behavior” because there is strongly embedded guilt that says how bad a person actually feels about self and is motivating criticism, i.e., –the person sees their own failure in the acts of others.  The effort to direct attention to someone else may simply be transference:  an effort to vicariously fix something that feels very wrong in their own life by self incriminating projection of guilt on others. … Neurotic Guilt.

Why does one person believe they are doing right by making someone else guilty– warning, judging, evaluating, devaluing, and invalidating the other persons?

The Voice of Guilt is Saying What?

When a person engages in this kind of destructive inference, crusading to gain support from others, what is the core issue in the accusation? According to Sigmund Freud, it may be projection, which is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one “projects” one’s own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings onto someone else.  Projection is one of the defense mechanisms identified by Freud that is used when someone feels threatened or feels afraid of their own impulses–, so the accuser attributes these impulses to someone else.  What is apparent among people, who make it their life’s mission to constantly criticize without sound reasoning and responsible approaches to relationships with others, is that the critic has an unresolved problem.  It is guilt– the feeling– that comes to the surface when something witnessed in others –a trigger activates  recognition of a feeling associated with a past behavior — “a been there done that experience.”  An important revelation  about constant accusing  is that recurring critical activity may be an open confession of unresolved feelings of guilt and self-esteem issues that are being attributed to someone else.

The Blame Game and What is Really Being Said

Throughout the history of the human race it is well documented that people have been struggling with guilt while denying responsibility.  The Bible records the story of creation when, Adam and Eve sinned; then, made leaves to cover up while knowing what they had done wrong.  Obviously, they did not want to take responsibility for what had happened. Therefore, the response of Eve was to pass the blame on, “it is the serpent that caused the evil act. “  The response of Adam was that it is the woman that you gave me Lord.  Guilt makes people project cover up because they are ashamed and understand that something is wrong and needs fixed.  Guilt makes people accuse because drawing attention to others behavior deflects attention away from the self –the guilty party.  Also, the fear of being exposed motivates people to project judgment for wrong doing upon someone else. Projecting guilt and packaging it in  criticism is a way of verbalizing how deeply perceptions of right and wrong— good and bad affects feelings of personal well being and personal security of the acuser.    Something to think about is that as long as attention is focused on what is wrong, what is being hidden, energy cannot be focused upon what is possible or what can make life effective, nor can you be happy.   Chaplain Murrill 04/27/2012

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Gaining Perspective about Criticism

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Any time that you get a group of people together; there will always be a problem with someone who will criticize what is being done. A question that must be asked is: are critics going to shape the way that organizations operate. We can see this in every level of organizational culture, from the president of the United States, Congress, the Senate, corporations, and small businesses. I have heard it said that, “the squeaky wheel, gets the oil” as an explanation for responding to criticism. Sometimes, we think of criticism as coming from outside sources, but it is true that the most disabling critics are people within the ranks of an organization which disable execution of successful actions.

I served as a pastor for many years and something that I learned in the organizational culture of the church is that every church has a cold water committee. Unfortunately, the reality which has to be faced is that anything worthwhile that will be done will be criticized by some. The fact is that if you are always worried what someone thinks, you will never be able to accomplish what needs to be done.

Criticism is Not Always a Curse

Sometimes criticism is May Be an Indication that your doing something right. There are so many people who are so worried that somebody might say something negative about them, so they just choose to stay quiet, sit on their hands. Dwight L. Moody said. He said, “If no man ever has anything to say against you, your Christianity isn’t worth much.” I have learned that you will never get away from criticism. You are going to be criticized from those outside and criticized from those inside. No matter what you do, someone will not like it.

A cowboy rode up on his horse and looked at the two buffalo, and he said,”You are the ugliest critters I have ever seen. You stink to high heaven, you have those ugly beady eyes, you’ve got those gross stupid-looking humps on your backs, and if I had a buffalo gun I’d blow both of you to kingdom-come,” He turned his horse and rode off.

One buffalo looked at the other one and said, “I believe we just heard a discouraging word.”

You will never get away from discouraging words. Even in the hallowed halls of the church; you will discover an army that will shoot at its own soldiers.

Criticism Can Be Contagious

A solo of cynicism can turn into a chorus of criticism. It is so easy to join with the negative crowd.

Criticism is both caught and taught. It is a symptom of misery and unhappiness that someone is projecting on to an organization. A report can be given of positive successes and the chronic critics will always find something wrong, something that can be criticized. Did you ever notice that when someone begins to criticize, that a question is created that occupies the vacuum of some people’s minds and instead of asking questions, they will say, “yeah me too.” Others will get caught up in the mood of the moment, the mob mentality, and catch a critical attitude. When this is reinforced and not corrected, it becomes an ingrained behavior that is learned and to be stopped must be untaught.

Criticism Demonstrates A Conflict of Values Between Leaders And Followers

When there is a conflict in value systems it defines attitudes about what will be done.Therefore, a person’s character is intimately related to his or her values; personal character rests on the foundation of personal values. A person’s character directly affects how he or she lives life–at the core of all human behavior is a statement of what is valued. As a result, defining the source of conflict is critical to developing pro-active strategies for leading; even when there is a clash of values.

What is it that defines what is done–when there is criticism or opposition? Is it the survival of the species by dominance and destruction of an antagonist, or is it leading and making choices out of one’s character? What we value is a related to our character. Gary Smalley, in the Search for the Soul, said “We are a people who value productivity … human thinkings and human doings instead of human beings. The highest paid people in the world can hit, run, pass better than anyone else, but it is done at the cost of developing the soul … the inner life. We keep soul expansion to a minimum which can rob us of the greatest success … becoming a real– authentic person.” If we value thinking, behavior, or productivity over what is can come as a result of the inner processes of character choices and development, we may be circumventing our own development for a feeling of gratification from a success that is define in a moment in the present. As a result, there will always be in-congruence between who we are, what is communicated, and how criticism is negotiated.

Character directly affects how life is expressed–at the core of all human behavior is a statement of what is valued. Core values affect the character of what is done in an organization or in leadership through a commitment to excellence. A conclusion can be made that criticism can define how organizations develop or leaders can lead organizations to value the right things(or wrong things) and do the work of developing character and instilling values that rise above criticism. I have often told friends that if you don’t manage conflict, it will manage you. You can choose a response, but it’s up to you.

An Observation: When your motives are right and your methods are pure, and you are doing what is right, you don’t have to explain anything to anybody.

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Will You Quit Kicking Me While I am Down?

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D.L. Moody said that it’s hard to communicate and be effective in the face of unrelenting criticism. Many people have made it their life goal to be someone’s critic all the time. It is like one person said, “It’s a tough job but someone has to do it.” What is it that makes someone always negative and always critical? At the heart of it is a very unhappy person who is responding to others out their own discontent about what has occurred in life. If you will look into the life of that person who is incessantly critical, bitter, and projecting the pain on to others, one thing to keep in mind is that it is not about you, but it is about what is going on beneath the surface. One thing that is important when facing criticism is to know how to respond. Those who criticize may be trying to get a response which validates their cynicism, anger, and pain. The response that is given can determine what will happen in your life and your business. A question that may be asked at times like this is: Do I want to get on the roller coaster with these persons? If the answer is no then a choice must be made about how to interact in an efficacious way with others. Many work places and other types of organizations are plagued people who cannot give a word up; instead it is a kick down. – People who take pleasure at pushing someone down, instead of lifting them up.

You may be already thinking– Wow!! That may sounds like me or someone else you can readily think of, but before you think of someone else, think of yourself and ask: How can I have effective emotional exchanges with others in the workplace, on my team, or as I lead without damaging others or disabling the effectiveness?

Focus on people not the problem – Effective relationships happen when we possess the ability to sense, understand, and effectively apply the power of emotions, appropriately channeled as a source of energy, creativity and influence. Balancing and integrating the head and heart, channeled through the left and right brain, is the mission of personal growth work in the domain of emotional intelligence (http://www.trans4mind.com/heart/eq.html). When others see our responses to them as genuine interest, it can change the dynamics of what happens in the exchange process of leadership and follow-ship. People will respond to leadership when they see someone who will take the time to see them as a person who is important enough to notice.

Listen to what is important to others— One of the things that I have learned about people is that if we will listen to anybody a few minutes that we can learn what is important to them. One of the things that is interesting to do in a group of people is to listen to the words that come out of their mouth when someone sees them and puts them at ease. Listening and not talking may be one of the most difficult things that we do in life. Many times we are so interested in talking instead of listening because we have something to say that everyone really needs to hear. Sometimes when that approach is taken what we communicate to others is that they are not important, that we are the center of the universe, and we fail to connect with others in a meaning way that can enrich others and enhance our ability to help others. Obviously, there is a time to talk and a time to listen. Many times we assume that we know what other people really need and that we heard the words that we said. I f you want to be successful at what you do listen to people with your head and with your heart.

Look past what you see on the surface— A popular catch phrase used by some: “it is what it is” leads some to believe that things are just as they appear. There are times when having effective relationships require looking past the things that are obvious. For instance, “The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely the one who dropped it”(Lou Holtz). I have a friend who would say, “The first dog that barks is the one who stole the bone” (Grady Taylor). Complaining and barking is a way that individuals sometimes use to deflect attention away from the real issue. It is easier to talk about someone than it is to talk to someone. There are reasons why people do what they do, but do you know why they do what they do? Well, you may never know unless time is given to look beneath the surface.

Investigate the world through another person’s eyes— How important is this issue to someone else and why requires that time must be taken to understand why the person see the issue as they do. Norman Geisler says, “A world view is like a set of glasses that we view the world through: If they are red then the world looks red” (Introduction to philosophy 1980/1987). There may be universal things that we all understand, but they are impacted by our culture, race, gender, age, mood, stressors etc. It is one to understand that there is a problem, a person is angry, feeling violated—but it is another to understand why a person is reacting as they do. What you see in another person’s eyes may not reflect what be what they are seeing through their eyes. If you do not look at someone else’s photo album, you may never see what they see.

Give honest feedback— So often what people do with someone who is to dismiss or avoid what is happening. Giving honest feedback is healthy way of keeping relationships honest. One question that we have to ask is do we just want to placate others to keep things moving in the direction that we want it to go or are we going to realize that others are a part of the process. Therefore, whatever is going on effects the outcome? When others talk to us about how they feel and what is happening, is it rigidity, control, and image management that we respond with, or can we give authentic feedback. One of the reasons that we cannot is that when situations arise, our buttons are being pushed by things that are internalized and while trying to be in control, it is lost to disingenuous responses. In conflict, disagreement—how individuals feel is far more important than what we know or who we are in the food chain. Letting people know how you feel and what you feel is not just telling someone how it is, it is being transparent, authentic, and honest and communicating on an emotional level. One way that this might be understood is to ask are my eyes, body language, and gestures indicating that they are congruent with what is being said. Some people talk about openness and inclusion with crossed arms and clenched hands and wonder why people do not respond?

An observation that can be inferred is that if the world around me is not changing maybe there is a need to take a look at how we relate to others. It may be that changing from within may change what is happening around us. There are two ways that we can approach the world. One is to see everything that is wrong with it, complain about it, and control it. On the other hand, we could understand what is really happening, and gain the skills to adapt to new situations that can open new doors of opportunity and enable successful, efficacious, winning relationships.

Change begins with me. If I want my world to change then maybe I need to change?

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