Emotional Abuse–Invalidation, Scars Left Behind

I have heard it said that the greatest fear that a child has while growing up is the fear of abandonment and rejection—that they will be left alone.  Abandonment alone is a subject that there is a plethora of research written about and its association with mental health disorders, as well as, social and identity issues.  If it is true that a developing child has an identity crisis occurring already– questioning how he/she fits into a social construct or asking how and where he/she fits into family—the world; then how does emotional, psychological, and physical abuse effect a child developing social identity?

The impact of abandonment, isolation, invalidation, and rejection brings a feeling that surfaces unexplainable and perplexing behaviors and contributes to an attachment pattern that is secure or insecure—reactive or maladaptive.  Quite often, when we see children or adults that demonstrate perplexing behaviors — that we may not understand, there is something not seen. Unseen forces are at work creating a ricocheting pattern of emotional responses– events in life that bring a wave of peculiar behaviors that affect every area of life now and everything happening in the future. While some people may believe that their actions are independent and well thought out, the truth is that what is happening in life is inextricably connected to the experience of attachment and the concurrent developmental process.

Attachment and development are important to understand in how children develop, but when a child is subjected to factors that negatively affect normal progression, such as emotional abuse, healthy and normal development is altered.  The impact of the environment upon a child are well noted in studies, but when there are multiple themes of abandonment, rejection, and invalidation; it is an unnatural occurrence that changes the outcome of development.  A problem that many people are faced with is a lack of understanding about how episodes or solitary events are related to behaviors and events in life.  A simplistic way this can be illustrated is that life is an organic event where everything has an effect in a systemic way upon development.  As a result, the emotional quotient of all of the things that happen throughout life have an unrealized connection to how the lived experience of a child unfolds into adult life.

What happens to children when adults do not take time to think about how their behavior affects children?  One week in the life of a child can have an effect for the rest of life.   I listened to the story about a father who goes out of town and a family friend coming to visit and  taking the unattended mother and the kids for a ride, it seemed innocent enough at the time.  However, what seemed like an innocent event from child’s perspective, quickly turned into adults behaving badly. In addition to children being caught in the middle of an event beyond their capacity to understand clearly.  It seemed an innocent event until the father came back after being away and the child shares the latest news. However, what happened afterward the conversation was not innocent.  What followed was a anger, a mother being abused in an angry and violent dispute over what happened.  Unfortunately, there are many times like this when the bad behavior of adults places children in a situation that they are not capable of understanding.  The result is a child whose innocence is scarred by witnessing abusive behavior and a feeling of responsibility that arrests and inhibits normal development and social identity that can echo down through life experience.  When a child is forced to take responsibility for the bad behavior of adults, the child does not know what to do or how to rationalize the experience, which results in fear.  What adults do not understand is that when children are exposed to experiences like this, they are faced with another adult crisis: the child feels guilt, has to live in secrecy, and is forced to cover up for the parents acting out their problems. Obviously,  events have an effect upon everyone involved, but what message is conveyed to the child and how does this affect relationships and the child’s development of future behaviors?

The answer is very complicated, but what happens throughout life and connects to everything else in life.  Individuals always have a reason for acting as they do, behaving as they do and while it may not be clear to us at the movement, all behaviors are a product of systems at work..  One of the problems with behavioral issues is that a casual examination of what a person does—just seeing behavior– does not provide clear answers to why something is happening.  For most people, unless they are in a crisis or unless it serves a personal need,  time will not be taken to ask why,  the behavior is judged on the merit of what is seen and branded with a label like “good ‘or “bad” behavior.

What seemed like a fun day for a child turned into a lifetime of problems in relationships?  After, telling what happened and  seeing the mother’s pain, the father’s anger, and trying to avoid and manawillge conflict—the interpretation of the child is that somehow this is his fault.  For a child who is not mature enough to make sense of what happened, the result is emotionally damaging be cause the event is internalized with guilt, fear, and a feeling of responsibility for things that adults are doing without considering what effect is being placed upon the child.  The child sees this a a personal failure and interprets the event and interprets this from “if should” reasoning.  If I had done this, it would not have happened—I should have kept this a secret.  Children think in terms of “black and white” concrete operational thinking (Jean Piaget).  In simple terms, it means the child felt responsibility for what happened in the family on that day and accepted ownership for the emotional consequences of what happened.  What a horrible thing for a child to have to own—responsibility, guilt, inferiority, shame, and rejection because adults did not think beyond their immediate needs and chose not to act responsibly.  For a child, events like this are emotionally damaging and leave scars of the developing child which lead to a reflection of self and others that continues throughout life until they are understood.

While adults may not understand the effect of what they do or why act in certain ways, everything that happens in life is related to perception in the lived-experience of a developing child.  Adult issues with depression, self-esteem, identity issues, relationships, perfectionism, as well as numerous other issues are related to attachment, socialization, and development as a child.  A problem is that many people do not figure these things out until life is turned upside down and life falls apart.  The importance of this cannot be understated for the developing child.  A child is faced with enormous pressures upon life and when something goes wrong and development is scarred by emotional abuse, the child gets a life sentence.   Erick Erickson said that developing children faces a social identity crisis in every period of growth that will have an impact upon how a child feels about self, acceptance in social settings, and the ways the child will interact with his world.  Consequently, the developing child needs a clear sense of who they are and how they fit in the world, where they belong, as well as, being equipped to develop the necessary skills to engaged with life in a healthy way.

When children witness traumatic events, how will abnormal events affect development and impact the child’s ability to manage a complex adult issue of sex, marital fidelity, and emotional or physical abuse?  The answer is clear, there is nothing that could prepare a child to understand or r manage these conditions: because it is an unnatural development.  The scars created by intentional or unintentional emotional abuse predicts what will come in the future —a lifetime of guilt, perfectionism, feeling rejected, and emotionally abandoned.

What Can Be Learned From The Aftermath?

This story calls attention to the importance of what happens in childhood development, the cognitive map that is formed, and behavioral cues that indicate that something has happened that needs to be understood.  In addition, when some people look at life diagnostically, they are looking for someone to blame for their pain, behaviors, or life experience.  Blame, unforgiveness, and anger are not an effective approach, they only deepen the effect of abuse and does not bring solutions contribute to an effective life.  For those desiring an healthy life, what will be of importance is not someone to blame, but understanding why behaviors occur as they do.

Obviously, many individuals cannot find the destination to healthy living, i.e., taking the appropriate steps toward changing life without an understanding of the core problems of childhood experiences.  Thinking about the past is painful at times and you may not want to air all of your dirty laundry in public, but the fact remains that connecting events from childhood events, pain rejection, or abandonment, draws a picture that puts events, feelings, and behavior in a context to be understood.

Be Careful About Casting Your Pearls Before The Swine.

One of the problems with adult behavior is that when we share with others, not capable of understanding, a common experience is that invalidation, criticism, and more misunderstanding occurs.  As a result, because we do not like that feeling, then we hide, deny, and cover up what is felt and deepen the pain in the act of denial. Unfortunately, you cannot hide from yourself for long and when you shove your feelings down for so long, they come out in health, relationship, and life problems.  The problem creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that will predict how relationships will occur.  Many times the problems of the past will perpetuate the very thing that is hated the most and we desire to change.  When you are willing to accept responsibility for yourself and understand where the negative programming from abuse originates, change is possible.  When the days of awakening comes the abused can realize that today is good day to start acting instead of reacting to life.  Life will never be perfect, but life will be what you make it today, so enjoy the opportunity that you have in your hand today. “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning” (Albert Einstein).

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Finding a Balance in Second Marriages and Family Relationships

What is the lived-experience of individuals who experience the loss of a spouse and then decides to remarry?  Until you have had the experience of having to reconstruct life from the ashes of what has been, you may not know what it takes to put humpty back together again.

Unfortunately, the adjustment-experience of widowed couples who remarry  is characterized by much misunderstanding, which brings to the surface feelings and struggles experienced in readjustment.  After talking with couples who have remarried at an advanced age, it is very clear that it is difficult to find balance in relationships while adjusting to life in a blended family.  The sad fact is that a contributing reason for high occurrences of divorce in second marriages relates to the tension between the marriage partners and family members that stems from difficulty in adapting to changes.  During holiday season celebrations, adjustment issues become magnified by charged emotions that are associated with memories, the importance of traditions, and expectations about what should happen.  There is little doubt that a great sense of security, as well as, well-being in relationships  comes from striking a balance between self-protection and extending grace to others through acceptance.

A general truth and disclaimer is that the mental health and state of persons involved, as well as, family systems functionality will impact all relationships– especially when stress is placed on life that distorts perceptions about what is happening.   Distorted beliefs and individual perspective is a central factor, which influences behaviors by individuals expressing protecting behaviors which is a defense mechanism demonstrating embedded beliefs about what has changed.  At the heart of strained relationships is a pronounced difference in values i.e., what each person believes is most important.  A simple way to understand this is when individuals differ about important traditions, rites, and holiday events; there is a stark difference in what people believe to be true about events.  Anger is a typical response and the form it takes is aggression, but unfortunately, in many cases it is not dealt with constructively and demonstrates passive aggressive attempts to manipulate or punish others.

What are some of the sources for anger in people who make up the extended family when a remarriage occurs?

The Fear of Abandonment and Isolation: Often people fear they will not be needed as much in a relationship or they will lose their sense of importance when the people dynamics of relationships change.  The fear felt is of being pushed aside.  Being left in a lonely feeling of limbo is one the factors in why widows and widowers become such an enormous burden for everyone after the spouse dies because they cling to existing  relationships.  Why?  Because they are alone and have lost the spousal support system, which leaves them feeling detached socially, emotionally, and psychologically.  A common result is that unhealthy attachments are formed and a result is widows/widowers become overly dependent upon other significant family members for the basic support needed.  Unfortunately, the outcome is an unhealthy relationship dynamic is created dissolving existing boundaries, which confuses roles and expectations in relationships on everyone’s part.  One thing that children and other family members may not understand is that no other person can meet the relationship need that a widow/widower has like a spouse.  Remarriage is not replacement of a former spouse or other family; it is a transition away from an unhealthy attachment, which has occurred through a time of tragedy.  A fundamental truth is that relationships must be in balance and have healthy boundaries to be effective for all.  The reason that remarriage is important to widowers/widows is that they are alone.  While everyone else has the need-meeting source of relationship with a partner in life, the surviving spouse feels empty and alone.  What others may not see is that even though family may love them very much, they cannot meet that need.  When life is out of balance, it does not work for anyone.

Unhealthy Attachments: When relationships are out of balance and boundaries are skewed by unhealthy attachment after a death occurs, parties on all sides have a fear of being abandoned.  This often presents in unhealthy relationship dynamics that triggers a chain of toxic, and many times,  destructive behaviors which can permanently alter or destroy life-long relationships. Underneath this relationship pattern is a fear that family members who have become accustomed to having 100% of the Mother or Father’s attention, suddenly has to adjust to an unwanted change.  What is not accepted is the social changes that death has brought into a system of relationships.  Resistance to change is a component of the grief process, which has not been accepted nor addressed.  It may be that family members accept that death has come to someone very important, but there has not been acceptance of what this means to the lived-experience of relationships, as well as future development as a family –a social unit.  Personal identity that defines the social world people live in is forever changed, as well as, all future developments when death occurs.  A normal response from denial is to try to hang on to the past to try to control something we do not understand i.e., something that has not been fully accepted.  When security in relationships faces the threat of change, a natural response is anxiety that creates a felt-need to control life in efforts to dispel a perceived feeling of loss of control.

Psychosocial Disruptions:  There is no doubt by theorists that “abandonment” issues are at the heart of many mental health problems.  Most parents learn the importance of proper attachment relationships when raising small children.  However, that sad fact reveals it is not clearly understood how attachment is related to perceived identity issues, as well as, adjusting to changing roles and expectations in a family system resulting from remarriage.  A fact not understood is that social identity and feelings of security are instantly impacted as life-developments like death, divorce, and remarriage occur.  These developmental changes that are a natural part of the flow of life take place and should be expected.  Consequently, when there is a closed family system that includes mental health issues i.e., unresolved or mismanaged, a potential result that must be anticipated is psychosocial disruption of a family system resulting in relationship dysfunction.  At the core of disruption is fear of rejection, isolation, and loss of emotional support connected to security felt from the comfortable ideas of what life was in the past.  The critical issue to understand is how individuals negotiate change in the present and what a family system does in response to changes in life, roles, identity, and relationship challenges in a family system.

Unhealthy and Uninformed Choices Motivated by Fear of Loss: Life is about choices and when a behavior is chosen, the outcome is chosen.  In families, more thought needs to be given to consequences, of even a solitary action in a process of change.  When fear drives insecurities in the direction of destructive choices, a good question to ponder is if people understand the broad effect that behaviors have upon family, friends, and children. When a family member behaves badly after someone looses a spouse, is divorced, or remarries; is there awareness that the response to the fear of change, the loss of control, and unresolved grief is affecting every area and all relationships in life.  The simple truth is that selfish choices result in heartache for everyone.  A point to consider about choices, behavior, and outcome is that if you are in this boat, you are creating the world you live in every day by the choices that you are making.

Some advice to consider is that if you are in a family that is disabled by the fear of changes examine your fears to see if they are even rational; then face them.  If a relationship is that important to you, the way to make it better is not to live captive to fear.  Christmas is the season that is approaching and is an ideal time to ask God to bring peace to your family, your relationships, and your experiences. Obviously, staying angry is your choice and ultimately will only widen the gap between you and the relationship you want.  All you have to do is to make the right choice to get the right response.  Relationships are not about winning or about control, they are about loving relationships with healthy boundaries that make life effective.  When people can accept the fact that the dynamics of relationships have changed, through a divorce, death, or remarriage; then there is the potential that fear will be dispelled, change can be managed and relationships can develop into healthy outcomes.

There is a balance between self-protection and extending ourselves in developing relationships.  If living in the grip of your fears is not working for you, then maybe you should try a different approach.  You may be surprised that your fears are false and when you begin to build instead of tear down, felt-needs for relationship and security may be resolved very quickly.

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