Are You Tired of Being A Vicitim?

Raging Bully

I remember while growing up in the 60′s that I was a constant target of bullying. I was small and just wanted to be a kid like everyone else, but there were always those people who had to try to control and victimize. It was not something that I wanted, but the day I became frustrated enough about being bullied and decided that I was not going to be pushed anymore, that was the day that I began to quit being a victim. Unfortunately, that was not the last bully that I faced, I have discovered that they are there everywhere that you go. The tragedy is that people in the workplace, in families, churches, and social relationships are being bullied everyday: they have accepted that as a way of life that they feel no escape from. The best thing that you can arm yourself with is not a gun or knife, not even a body-guard, but with understanding about the behaviors of bullies and how people are trapped into victimization.

They Are Abusers

The violence (not only physical) committed by a serial bully is almost entirely psychological, for psychological violence leaves no scars and no physical evidence. Most commonly, the violence takes the form of verbal abuse and emotional abuse including trivial nit-picking criticism, constant fault-finding combined with simultaneous refusal to recognize, value, acknowledge and praise. Manipulation, isolation and exclusion are other favorite tactics, as is feigning victim-hood or persecution, especially when held accountable.

They Are Controllers

The objectives of serial bullies are Power, Control, Domination and Subjugation.  These are achieved by a number of means including emotional dis-empowerment, stimulating excessive levels of fear, shame, embarrassment and guilt, manipulation (especially of emotions and perception), ritual humiliation, and constant denial. When you live with someone who is constantly denying what they said or did a day ago, or an hour ago, or even a minute ago, it drives you crazy. When the symptoms of injury to health start to become apparent, the bully will tell others you have a “mental health problem” and try to make you feel guilt about your response. However, you may be mad, but this is not mad-insane, this is mad angry.

Control is a common indicator of the serial bully.  Control of finances, control of movements, control over choice of friends, control of the right to work, control over what to think, and so on is the central motivation of bullies. Consequently,  all efforts to control are designed to dis-empower the victim and empower the bully.

They Are Dividers

A favorite tactic of the bully in the family is to set people against each other. The benefits to the bully are that:

• The bully gains a great deal of gratification (a perverse form of satisfaction) from encouraging and provoking argument, quarreling and hostility, and then from watching others engage in adversarial interaction and destructive conflict.
• The ensuing conflict ensures that people’s attention is distracted and diverted away from the cause of the conflict.

Bullies within the family, especially female bullies, are masters (mistresses) of manipulation and are fond of manipulating people through their emotions (e.g. guilt) and through their beliefs, attitudes and perceptions. Bullies see any form of vulnerability as an opportunity for manipulation, and are especially prone to exploiting those who are most emotionally needy. Elderly relatives, those with infirmity, illness, those with the greatest vulnerability, or those who are emotionally needy or behaviorally immature family members are likely to be favorite targets for exploitation.

The family bully encourages and manipulates family members and others to lie, act dishonorably and dishonestly, withhold information, spread misinformation, and to punish the target for alleged infractions, i.e., the family members become the bully’s unwitting (and sometimes witting) instruments of harassment.

They Are Manipulators

Bullies are adept at distorting peoples’ perceptions with intent to engender a negative view of their target in the minds of family members, neighbors, friends and people in positions of leadership and authority; this is achieved through undermining, the creation of doubts and suspicions, and the sharing of false concerns, etc. This intentional poisoning of people’s minds is difficult to counter; however, explaining the game in a calm articulate manner helps people to see through the mask of deceit and to understand how and why they are being used as pawns.

They Are Deceivers Who Want To Be Your Confidant

The bully may try to establish an exclusive relationship (based on apparent trust and confidence) with one family member, such that, they (the bully) are seen as the sole reliable source of information. This may be achieved by portraying the target (and certain other family members) as irresponsible, unstable, undependable, uncaring, unreliable, and untrustworthy.  Perhaps by the constant highlighting, using distortion and fabrication, reminders of alleged failures, breaches of trust, and lack of reliability, etc. This process is reinforced by inclusion of the occasional piece of juicy gossip about the target’s alleged misdemeanors or untrustworthiness in respect of relationships and communication with people. Mostly, this is psychological projection of the bullies failures and inadequecies.

The objective is to manipulate the family member’s perceptions and create a dependency, so that the family member comes to rely exclusively on the bully and see, the bully, as the sole source of reliable information whilst distrusting everyone else. Any person who is capable of exposing and breaking the dependency is targeted with venom and will find their name blackened at every opportunity.

They Are Attention Seekers and You Are Their Audience

When close to being outwitted and exposed, the bully feigns victim hood and turns the focus on themselves.  This is another example of manipulating people through their emotion by invoking guilt, i.e., sympathy, feeling sorry, etc. Female serial bullies are especially partial to making themselves the center of attention by claiming to be the injured party whilst portraying their target as the villain of the alleged event. When the target tries to explain the game, they are immediately labeled “paranoid”.   Therefore, attention-seeking behavior is common with emotionally immature people trying to control others to feed their low sense of self worth by controlling their audience.

They Are Easy To Spot, but Usually Missed

The serial bully is easy to spot once you know what you are looking for: a Jekyll and Hyde nature, compulsive lying, manipulation (of emotions, perceptions, beliefs, etc), unpredictability, deception, denial, arrogance, narcissism, attention-seeking, etc., whilst always charming and plausible, especially when impressionable witnesses are present.

Serial bullies can be male or female –the main difference is that female bullies are more devious, more manipulative, more cunning, more sly, more psychological, more subtle, leave less evidence and will often bully with a smile. Female bullies will often manipulate a male into committing their violence for them. Male bullies tend to be less subtle, have a tendency towards physical aggression, and are generally less clever than female bullies.

The best response to a bully is to avoid conflict if you can, but arm yourself with information and then you can take your life back and quit living like a victim.

Related articles

• How To Get Rid of a Bully or Psychopath! (zendialogue.wordpress.com)
• Workplace bullying costs companies billions, wrecks victims’ health (smartsign.com)
• BULLYING HAS LONG-LASTING PSYCHOLOGICAL REPERCUSSIONS: DO something about it -punish the bully for a change! (euzicasa.wordpress.com)
• Bullying Harms Not Only Victims But Bullies Too (blogs.discovermagazine.com)
• How to Prevent Kids Bullying (traintoread.com)
• Think about This: Can we really stop bullying? (tolerantpeople.com)
• Sharing respectfully: the fight against cyberbullying (smartsign.com)
• Freshman Speaks Out About Her Suicide Attempt; Blames Bullying (fox2now.com)
• Bullied Boy Dies (fox2now.com)
• A Word Gone Wrong (301d.wordpress.com)

Forgiveness Consequences and Consequences of Evil Acts

What response is appropriate when trust in violated repeatedly by someone who does you wrong, violates your personal boundaries, and continually act in ways that consume your life emotionally, physically, and financially?  The obvious answer for many people is to run away and put as much distance between you and the offender as possible.  However, when an effort is made to manage others behavior, it can be a slippery slope.  It is like the old saying, “it takes two to Tango”.  Indeed assessing blame and taking responsibility for perceived unjust or unethical behavior  can turn on the accuser because everyone sees life events through a unique perspective.  Obviously, it is easier to blame others or appear to be what someone else has done instead of accepting responsibility for personal involvement and participation in a conflict situation that has produced actions, feelings, and outcome.

Looking at forgiveness from a purely religious or theological perspective leaves people with distorted ideas about responsibility for actions that violate another person’s rights, or that defrauds another person willfully of benefit.  Many people think that you are supposed to get “holy amnesia” when you are wronged by someone and if you are really spiritual that you will act as if nothing ever happened.  As a result, when some people look at the idea of forgiveness through a theological construction, often emphasis is placed upon unconditional forgiveness. In fact, unconditional forgiveness ideally removes responsibility for actions, absolves guilt, removes consequences, and restores relationships. However, when it comes to the subject of forgiveness an important issue to consider is that human beings are emotional beings subject to human limitations and are not God.  Unfortunately many people who have been deeply hurt by others are further damaged by guilt and manipulation of idealist who may not understand fully that there is more to forgiveness than holy amnesia.  Consequently, when it comes to forgiveness many people apply the doctrine of redemption and forgiveness that is provide by God upon human experiences as if it is normal to act just as God does while living as a finite human being. Unfortunately, for many people feeling the hurt and pain of broken relationships the pain doesn’t get any better when religious notions are used to bruise the offended further. Think about this: if the central emphasis is placed upon benefit for the sinner, relief for the offender, and not upon the effects of behavior on the way relationships have become tangled, there can be little growth without a healthy process that addresses the consequences for the act of offense.

In a simplistic, view of forgiveness is a need for relief from any sense of guilt from actions and vindication, i.e., relief from emotional, social, and, personal for wrongdoing.  In a theological understanding penalty is  removed and sinners escape eternal separation from God, as well as the benefit of relationship in the present.  However, the theological definition is not a very practical way to apply to how forgiveness between people occurs who are the product of a fallen nature, an developing spiritual capacity, and who experience systemic relational problems.  Obviously, individuals with a diminished developmental difficulty lack a God-like ability to negotiate healthy balance between forgiveness and responsibility.  Therefore, when many people think of forgiveness they are equating it with to the doctrine of absolution from Roman Catholic Theology, where the priest mystically removed the penalty for wrong acts. Consequently, when the discussion about forgiveness is raised, movement away from a simplistic view of people who live by shoulds and should nots will be enhanced when we realize that people must go through a process toward forgiveness that is not instant “holy amnesia”.

One way to think about this is that there is a fundamental difference between forgiveness and removal of cumulative consequences. Indeed, it is true that Jesus died on the Cross-as a substitution for the sins of those who place faith in Him.  However, does that mean that all of the consequence or sin and sins are removed at the cross in every area of life?  Some people believe the answer is yes, but the answer is an emphatic no.  For instance, the thief on the cross still died for his crimes, while he was forgiven of his sins. Therefore, a principle that needs to be understood is that consequences in the human life remain even when there is full forgiveness.  Something to consider is that many people see forgiveness as a relief from responsibility for behavior. Obviously, escapist thinking under girds many beliefs that people have about forgiveness from bad behavior.  One place this is evident is in the majority of prayers prayed by people that focus upon God relieving or delivering from individuals from consequences in life instead of changing the person by providing ability to bear up under consequences and remaining faithful in circumstances.  Somehow, some people have come to believe that when they are forgiven of wrongdoing they will no longer have to live under the conditions that bring consequences from choices made or face responsibility for consequences. Unfortunately, the fact remains that unethical, unjust behavior influence, levels of trust, communication, and relationship dynamics that affect everything in life.

There is no doubt that common sense tells us that when something horrendous occurs to a person emotionally, psychologically, or personally devastates life, it will not be relieved with a simple “I’m sorry”. In fact, something is out of balance with thinking that forgiveness equates an words of contrition, or acting like something did not happen. Obviously, it is like believing the words, “I am sorry” will remap the cells of brain, change thought patterns, modify behaviors in way that minimizes, erases responsibility and eradicates consequences.  Further, this point of view is prevalent among those in the church and is expressed through an attitude that places greater emphasis upon acceptance of wrongdoers than it does upon the spiritual, social, and eternal consequences of evil acts. Obviously, all actions have consequences and as much as individuals may want to ignore them, pretend they don’t exist, or mystically wish them away, there is an ongoing impact on life. As a result, what can be learned from church history is the point of view that minimizes responsibility from wrongdoing is called, Antinomianism.

This perspective presented a problem recorded in the book of Roman where Paul asked a question directed at responsibility for actions, “What shall we say then, shall we continue in sin that grace may abound”.  Consequently, rational people know that when there are evil acts, there is not a freedom from responsibility, but a challenge to accept responsibility that leads to a change in behavior in a responsible manner.

Apparently, some people believed that the more they sinned, the more grace was magnified as a principle of forgiveness and acceptance —more grace is evident and available.  Unfortunately, this is how many people view responsibility for their wrongdoing: the more they are forgiven, the less sensitivity that is felt about the grave nature of injustice to others.  For example, this is particularly evident in how passionately criminals rationalize the crimes against others when they find Jesus. Indeed, there is a feeling of need for relief through redemption and absolution in forgiveness.

However,   there is a visible absence of remorse, acts of restitution, or change of attitude about crimes committed against victims.  Those who are most passionate about forgiveness and who advocate acceptance, restoration, and vindication are those who have the greatest guilt and sin. What needs to be understood is that Jesus died on the cross for Sin to give a remedy for sin.  Sin is a legal term expressed in John 3:17, Romans 8:1, as condemnation, which means eternal punishment, separation from God.  The forgiveness that Jesus offers, in His work on the cross, is to provide a way to experience a changed life, not to escape the consequences of actions.  In the theological concept, forgiveness is about changing behavior and redeeming the consequences through building a life of trust and faith. On the other hand, naive acceptance without accountability reinforces the potential for evil to thrive and prosper.

One of the problems is that forgiveness is applied by using a utilitarian philosophy of forgiveness rooted in hedonism. The pleasure principle advocates that the greatest outcome in life is on the least path of resistance.  In other words, the way that brings the greatest pleasure in life. Utilitarian’s advocate the principle of greatest good and is the best for everyone concerned.

However, the question remains unanswered about how is the greatest good or best is determined?  Usually the good is in human terms, socially, from group input from sociocultural norms and mores’, not from a universal or rational truth.  Unfortunately, Utilitarian forgiveness is not very effective at helping people change behaviors or protecting people from harm, and restoring trust.

In this case, forgiveness carries with it toleration and means that there are no universal understanding of consequences for morally wrong behaviors.  Therefore, illegal activities and potentially damaging behavior deconstructs all normal boundaries for behavioral expectations and normal expectations about responsibility.  Therefore, when people become so desensitized to consequences of evil that the effect is no longer felt, the result is an inadequate view of forgiveness and responsibility.  As a result, when there is a fundamental belief that there is forgiveness for sin and there are no consequences, spiritual change or personal growth does not occur as a life principle.  Behavior adapts to wrongdoing creating no accountability and the system dynamic makes the abnormal the normal.  Consequently, forgiveness should demonstrate change in the forgiven not reinforce a potential to act in evil ways without accountability. Consequently, forgiveness should mean that, I am changing how I feel and how I believe, so life can move forward in a healthy productive way.

A cultural challenge to forgiveness in the 21^st century is that within Utilitarian thought there is never really any possibility of right or wrong.  Obviously, this belief is connected to a relativistic view of culture that removes all moral implications of sin or wrongdoing and no absolutes.  Therefore, the view is that nothing is really ever wrong, so forgiveness is just a psychological transaction where feelings are purged creating emotional catharsis and acceptance.  However, novel that may seem to modern people, this thinking does little for the person who has been violated and who has memories encoded with trauma after an experience creating Post-Traumatic Stress.

Forgiveness is an internal process that sets the forgiving person free from bitterness and internalizing of pain in self-destructive ways. However, contrary to popular thought, forgiveness does not mean the offender is free from the consequences of their actions.  The news report about Usama bin Laden being killed is a sober reminder that evil actions have consequences that will stalk a person and exact a penalty sooner or later through consequence in life and after death.  Obviously, we live in a time when universal truth has been rejected and been replaced with a view that makes all actions relative to the person. Consequently, the reality of 21st century sophistry is no moral right and wrong, but only what is relative to a person or a group.

Another point of view presented in Psalm 37 says,” Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity.  For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb”.  Indeed what will happen is that a every person will fall into the hands of a just God who has reminded us that there are consequence for evil acts of violence.  Therefore, the message that resounds is the pain we feel for unjust acts in this life is only a token of the eternal reward for injustice from evil acts in this life.  Something to think about is that a point of view that may not be popular, but is a eternal reality is that God will have the last word on every act and consequence of evil behavior.

Related Articles

• ThreatsWatch.Org – RapidRecon: Usama bin Laden Killed by U.S. in Pakistan (threatswatch.org)
• Statement on the death of Usama bin Laden, and counter terrorism (number10.gov.uk)
• Forgiving Bin Laden (andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com)
• I Still Have Questions About The Killing Of Osama (Usama) Bin Laden. . . (evelyngarone.wordpress.com)
• The Most Wanted Terrorist – Deceased (jroycroft.wordpress.com)
• Osama, er, uh, Usama Bin Laden is Dead! (cryliberty.wordpress.com)
• Taliban Doubts That Bin Laden Is Dead (foxnews.com)
• Usama bin Laden Death Leads to Rash of Cyberscams (foxnews.com)
• Death of Usama Bin Laden (number10.gov.uk)
• Towards Closure: possible reactions from the Catholic Left on the death of Usama Bin Laden (wdtprs.com)
• Forgiveness (lameow.wordpress.com)
• Christian Reaction to bin Laden’s Death (zwingliusredivivus.wordpress.com)
• “Thoughts on Reactions to Bin Laden’s Death” and related posts (darwincatholic.blogspot.com)
• Bin Laden, Hatred, Forgiveness and Jesus (tithebarn.wordpress.com)
• Bin Laden is in Heaven (socyberty.com)
• Day 3 – Forgive Yourself (ihasasad.wordpress.com)
• The Heart of Forgiveness (challies.com)
• Cutting the Aka Connection II (psychologytoday.com)
• Forgiveness Consequences and Usama bin Laden in Perspective (organizationalchangesolutions.wordpress.com)
• Forgiveness is a process. It doesn’t happen instantly. (twentyeleven.org)
• Osama Bin Laden’s DEATH (luanalovesyou.wordpress.com)
• Church communities vow to forgive thief (nydailynews.com)
• Lies & Deceit (michellesmotivation.com)
• Coffee with God – Digging Up the Root of Bitterness (pilgrimwanderings.wordpress.com)
• Love Is In The Air: Learning True Forgiveness On The Radio (prweb.com)
• Those Two Difficult Words… (allthingssplendid.wordpress.com)
• Forgiveness (kaizencoaching.wordpress.com)
• {Forgiving is a Miracle: Courageous and Holy. “When Daddy’s Rage”} (logicandimagination.com)
• Fashioning A Forum For Forgiveness and A Place of Peace (prweb.com)
• Forgiveness (samkhan13.wordpress.com)
• Forgiveness (achristianmeditation.wordpress.com)

Happiness: Living on the Street called Choice

A question often asked by people who are having problems says something like this, “When am I ever going be to be happy”? 

An underlying factor within the question is the level of dissatisfaction felt about life experience.  Another that issue associated with concerns about future happiness is a feeling of entitlement precedes the way individuals view the outcome of life.  A way to understand expectations about future happiness in life events is energized with a core belief that happiness is the capstone that describes a problem-free life.  Therefore, the normal, natural question about challenges is whether happiness is a real possibility to be attained.  A fundamental problem with a question like this is that it looks ahead to an unknown time and looks at life experience with a particular ideal world where happiness just happens. Obviously, the answer never comes for some individuals because of a lack of clear understanding of what happiness describes or what conditions must be met to create the “state” that some people describe as happiness.  As a result, a common explanation of happiness utilizes language intertwined with feelings about circumstances in life.  For instance, some descriptions of happiness are interpreted to mean removing all anxiety or other life disturbances standing in the way of an optimum state of euphoria achieved through a pain-free existence.  Therefore, happiness built upon an idealism of reducing life expectation to a simple no pain, resistance, or other difficulty formula holds the probability of great disappointment and lingering question, “When am I ever going be to be happy”?

So what is happiness anyway?

A place to begin is with a dictionary definition, which associates happiness as an emotion of joy, gladness, satisfaction, and well-being.  Since the dictionary defines it in terms of emotion, many people may conclude that when there is the absence of those life affirming emotions mentioned that happiness is not a reality.  Apparently, somehow meaning is attached to happiness that translates into an absence of pain or difficulty.  If you are a philosopher or study the field of Ethics, you will quickly identify this definition as consistent with ideas drawn from the philosophy of Hedonism, which describes the pleasure principle as the central motif of making life work in a way to reduce pain, discomfort, and difficulty for the “greatest good” as an outcome rationale.  Applying this philosophy of life affirms the idea that when people are happy life is experienced with the least amount of difficulty, pain, or unpleasantness within life experience. Obviously, this sounds good in principle, but it is a very simplistic way to view a very complex subject that leaves the questions of people with less than positive life experience with a lack of hope that happiness can be realized.

We usually seek success in order to find happiness.

One of the fallacies in looking at happiness because of circumstances is that it constructs happiness from feelings of success or performance outcome.  However, much of life is lived on a street that has noisy neighbors, sick children, grass to mow, snow to shovel, and storms that come and go.  The result is that life is full of experiences that may not have an outcome that feels like success.  A relevant point relates to how well-being and satisfaction incorporates into a life filled with experience that evokes negative emotional responses.  Unfortunately, what is missing from the dictionary definition is a comprehensive understanding of common happiness that everyone can have no matter what life brings. In reference to this, Dr. Marla Gottschalk states that:

How we “digest” our life experiences, both negative and positive, can be instrumental in influencing levels of happiness.  As Achor explains, reported happiness cannot always be fully explained by life events themselves –it is how we view those life events that prove to be pivotal.  Many of us have a tendency to become focused upon negative information and events (possibly an evolutionary necessity).  As a result, we may under-represent our successes and fail to draw energy from them. On some level, we give up our power to be happy – by resting its fate entirely in the external world – when in fact, our “internal script” can be quite influential. Shorter-lived emotions can contribute to a broader “affect”, or tendency to feel either positive or negative. (What is happiness then? (Positive Psychology and Happiness at Work).

Happiness precedes success in the way thoughts are constructed in the mind

Happiness is a way of thinking about life that uses an organized way of mental cognition that incorporates using “pathways thinking” to create momentum in the activity of life.  Unfortunately, the notion that experiencing a particular life outcome will create happiness is conceptually flawed because this perspective lacks a consistent and measurable inference.  For instance, placing two individuals in an exact set of circumstances does not indicate that happiness will occur sequentially or is predictable.  In fact, the level of well-being felt will depend more on the way individuals think about events than the events alone.  Obviously, two people can have the same experience and value the experience in different ways.  On the other hand, another way to look at happiness is that happiness is consistent with thinking constructs, which introduces quantitative and qualitative factors into the life that individuals experience.

Think about the meaning of the word, “life”

A simple definition of life is, “the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual” (Dictionary.com). 

For many people life is just an existence or a human organic experience of conscious awareness with a sort of organic fatalism that reduces life to what we have in our genes and DNA.  However, life is much more than an organic existence of matter over a set period of time.  Life is an activity which describes a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul” (Dictionary.com) as both quality of life and quantity of time in existence.  An idea expressed in the words of Jesus that connects a meaning to life that delineates a way of thinking about life that predicts outcome in life says, “I have come to give life; and life more abundant” (John 10:10 KJV).

Textual evidence from grammar interprets life as “zōḗ – life (physical and spiritual).  … it always (only) comes from and is sustained by God’s self-existent life”.  In addition, life is modified in the use of an adjective abundant … “perissós (an adjective), properly all-around …  beyond what is anticipated, exceeding expectation”, which describes a life lived with a view of life characterized by (well-being and satisfaction=happiness).  Another related word that adds meaning to the way Christians think about happiness spoken of in the Psalms is, “blessedness”, which describes a state of being in a Christian life that orders the thoughts around a spiritual view of life that is grounded in a reflective relationship with God.  Also, “blessedness” informs existence with an aptitude, a view toward life, informing the way behavior occurs in life. An important point to make is that in the Beatitudes, (Matthew 5:ff.) happiness is not associated with the removal of pain or the absence of challenging experiences, but rather, with a changed perspective.  In fact, the idea is that optimum happiness results from life being viewed through certain definable attitudes understood about life from God’s perspective.

Thinking patterns discipline the mind to create happiness and pathways for life

Later in the Bible, The apostle Paul wrote about the activity of the mind.  He said, “every thought should be brought into captive obedience to Christ.”  The message of I Corinthians resonates the principle that ineffective ways of thinking must be superseded with organizing the thoughts around a perspective of life dominated by a positive Christian mindset.  The idea is present in the text that suggests that vain ways of thinking result in spiritual captivity to false ideas about life.  So, when life does not experience the well-being that individuals feel entitled to experience in the circumstances of life, what response should be given?  Peter said, “Gird up the loins of your mind” (1 Peter 1:13).  Strengthen the mental outlook is the central message of Peter to those facing persecution.  Obviously, there is a mental motif prescribed: When life is falling apart and does not give you the measure of success that is expected, quit fighting the circumstances to find happiness.  The point is to reorganize thinking around hope that will create new pathways, ways of thinking about life.  The consistent and compelling message about happiness is not the absence of challenging, heart-wrenching events.  The application is the message about the way thoughts are organized with a view toward life.  The application is about how inner strengths of character are identified through hope and how happiness develops a pathway to effective living. As a result, happiness will not be achieved through technological development, possession of things, or vain expectation: it is achieved through inner development of the person.

Common ideas about happiness are found in a belief that if a person takes up a hobby like wood carving, playing golf, or other activities that the unhappiness can be distracted denied, and delegitimized.  However, while distraction from pain or unhappiness may minimize the symptoms of unhappiness in life, it will not change a point of view about life.  The truth is that you can never remove unhappy events in life by replacing challenges with the innocuous placebo of pleasure.  One craving only leads to another, which leads to another reinforcing a life of pursuing pleasure to numb the pain felt about unhappiness in life circumstances.

What is the road to happiness?

The answer rests in altering ineffective thinking by cleaning up the clutter about how we organize thoughts about life.  Happiness does not guarantee that life will never face difficulty.  On the other hand, happiness changes how individual think about difficulty and what they will do when challenging moments come.  The road to happiness is joined to an inward journey of the development of the mind, spirit, and soul-life.  Indeed, spiritual life cannot be isolated in a detached metaphysical experience of escape from pain, from difficulty, or performance of duty.  The matter of importance is that happiness is rooted in a way of thinking toward life.  Therefore, the road to happiness is understanding, which leads to positive life-affirming ways of thinking reflectively about life.

Related Articles

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• Demystifying the obvious. (smritidixit.wordpress.com)
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• In each of us. (mayjeanc.wordpress.com)
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• Father’s Day Series: “Relationships & Success” Part 1 (calltoprayerministries.wordpress.com)
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Point of View: How Perspective Influences Cultural Trends and Communication

A Narrow and Vanishing Perspective

I only have one opinion so it is the only one I can give.  I know that sounds narrow minded and resistant, but isn’t that really what it boils down to with everyone?  However, the problem with opinion is that many time opinions are irrelevant in an atmosphere of constant change of culture and communication technology.  As a result, one of the challenges in modern world is to understand the speed that culture is changing right before our eyes and how the communication of ideas is in constant state of flux.  Therefore,  on the high speed information network, the challenge reinforces a constant need to adapt to changing constructs and to understand that there may be an inhibited ability to comprehend the rate that information passing before our eyes is  feeding a blurred generational and cultural myopia.  In a world  where a narrow perspective is vanishing, some people may ask: Does any generation have an absolute truth or a point of view that is constant, timeless, and irrefutable through all of time, generations, and cultures to balance information contained in the communication of ideas?  Obviously, while there are differences about the answer, the ideas that many people hold as timeless principles of truth seems to be quickly vanishing in the milieu of ideas and being edited within the context of modern culture. A strong point of consideration about information and communication in a world that is technology bound is the strong evidence to suggest that the happenings of culture today are affecting, not only what subjects are relevant to the times, but how communication occurs in the 21st century.

In recent blog post Ed Stetzer (2011) cited Adlai Stevenson who stated, ‘”That which seems the height of absurdity in one generation often becomes the height of wisdom in another.’ He did not have a particularly high view of the next generation, but he does challenge us to consider the radical changes in thinking that are sometimes seen between generations” (Stetzer).   The apparent point to be understood is that every generation has a perspective that shapes contemporary beliefs— what is deemed important—values that form a perspective about level of importance of certain ideas.  In addition, it is not just the message of communication and values that is important, it is the fact that methods of communicating from the past are vanishing and being replaced on the super highway of technology. Consequently, what is apparent from an understanding cultural transformation in the 21st century is that a present cultural perspective is shaping point of view and validating the principle that both the vehicle and the message in every generation creates a shift in how people in a given generation arrive at a destination that they believe is truth and in a vehicle that the present generation creates its own mind-set.

Just as people from different cultures, races, and people groups think differently about important issues, generations are cultural subgroups of the macrocosm of human existence.  It is evident that each  thinks differently about matters of  believed to be of importance.  However, remember that successive generations hold a different point of view that is emerging and is relevant to the time.  Therefore while people may disagree, different perspectives are worth taking time to consider. It is said that one thing common to every generation is how the collective perspective is internalized. Ed Stetzer  (2011)  cited George Orwell’s perspective, which states that “Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it and wiser than the one that comes after it” (Stetzer).  Someone from a past generation may ask: Are current generations really more intelligent or are earlier generations wiser?  Obviously, the answer depends on perspective – what it looks like from where you are standing or pontificating.

What perspectives are influencing the way life is understood in the 21st century?

The perspective, the unique way life is understood today, is a sociological and cultural phenomenon. For those who want to deny reality and continue to ignore what is shaping the point of view of the emergent culture of the 21st century only creates frustration and disconnection, which does not offer any substantive answers or a reasonable framework to understand reasoning behind current ideals.

Ideologues and philosophers offer suggestion about what is occurring, but unfortunately understanding ideals and philosophy alone will not provide efficacy that creates effective communication. Ideals, are generally moral ideas or mores’ based on certain group identification that create expectations about how people should think or act. Philosophical assumptions are the ways that beliefs are rationalized into reason.  Thus forming, the informational content of perspective. Values or axiology has more to do with what is deeply felt, importance, passion, and motivation that affect beliefs. For example, the   felt importance of something believed to be true.  When tension deposited in life experience that conflicts with values, it results in conflicting ideas about importance that creates a  disconnect between perceptions and experienced reality.

The question is formed: Who/what is right how can the way values are felt be rationalized with experience that does not match a reality believed?  Unfortunately, I find myself at odds with most idealist and the emphasis upon what should be and find myself focused upon what emerging culture is saying. As a point of reference something that needs to be understood is how to  connect perception to reality.  Consequently, the constant flow of information  redefines the importance of what seems logical in one generation as information is disseminated and absorbed into successive generations.  Therefore, there is a tension that exists in the message and mode of communication that results in aberrations in what is felt about the information, which places the greatest emphasis upon perspective.

Obviously, anyone can give an opinion about what is wrong with something.  However, knowing what is wrong is not the critical issue in communication of solutions that are workable.  One perspective that some people have is to write people off who look different, think different, and have a differing perspective.  Another point of view is to embrace the culture and learn the language, thinking, and mindset of the 21st century.  Seeing someone else’s perspective is not whitewashing culture or moralizing behaviors, it is asking why do people do that in the way they do and understanding if the desire is to connect, communicate, and build meaningful relationships that we need to understand more than what we know.

With the increasing isolation of people and the desire to have relationships, there is a tremendous opportunity to step outside a solitary opinion and understand people as part of a culture that thinks different than we do.  The opportunity demonstrates a tremendous potential, if we will take time to understand how perception formation is impacting beliefs and governs the content and methods of communication in the 21st century.

Point of View Perspective Beliefs God Theology Church Traditions Statistics Surveys Theory Demographics Communication Context Relationships Unchurched Christian Universalism Philosophy Vision Mission Outcome.

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Accused of Being a Borderline? When is it Personal and When is it Professional?

Published by the American Psychiatric Association, the DSM-IV-TR provides a common language and standard criteria for the classification of mental disorders.

While visiting on an out of state journey, I went outside on the back porch to talk while dinner was cooking.  As we sat in the sun and began to talk, a rather strange twist in the conversation occurred.  The conversation changed from generalities to a story about one of the people inside the house who had Borderline Personality Disorder.  As a listened, I was curious and perplexed about why a person I hardly knew was telling me about something so personal and so personally damaging to the other person.  The story was filled with vignettes and illustrations that created an illusion about erratic behavior to support the claims being made.  The accused person was described as such a difficult person to cope with, controlling, manipulative, passive aggressive and frustrating to deal with.  It all sounded very bizarre and out of character for this to be happening on the back porch.  As a result, this seemed even stranger as it went on to me because the two people bareley knew each other and had spent very little time together.

What I observed during the conversation was a person who was very convincing, impassioned, and had some reason to feel deeply enough to say these things to a perfect stranger, but I wondered what the real purpose in this conversation was?  As I listened, the personal feelings of the person telling the story unfolded through private and very personal details of experiences, but this missing link was why me and why now?  What really struck me as strange about the story was the there was little firsthand observation, just a lot of hearsay information from others people’s experiences spun into a conclusion.  Pondering the question of why, it seems that this conversation was an intentional to influence my perspective to match a reality created in the mind of someone who had a goal in mind.  Therefore, why this was happening was not abundantly clear at the moment, but I was determined to understand more about the actual issue beneath the words, accusations, and characterizations in this conversation.  Consequently, I suspected that there was more to the story that I needed to know to understand how to respond.  What was apparent was that there was a perception about the meaning of the frustration with relationship problems.  As a result, the problem had been labeled as Borderline Personality Disorder.  As the conversation proceeded, what I learned was that more than one person believed the label of Borderline Personality Disorder, which surprised me greatly.  Evidently, in the conversations between my new acquaintance and other family members they had apparently accepted opinion, as fact, without ever questioning the veracity, reasons, and justification for this accusation.  This seemed strange because, the person labeled BPD was a highly venerated and loved person.  It made me wonder how intelligent people suddenly accept such a report based without reasonable causes.

On the other hand, the person telling the story expressed honest concern and a personal frustration with personal interpretations of problems experienced.  While the story was expressed with such impassioned and convincing explanations, there seemed to be something more that looked like a personal agenda.  Apparently, the conclusion made was based upon a feeling of adequate knowledge about counseling practices and that symptoms described were consistent with Borderline Personality Disorder.  In fact, the person telling the story said, “It is Borderline”, referring to the person’s personal assessment.  The confusion came when I was listening and it seemed as if everything that was said might be a reasonable explanation.  However, there was nothing concrete to base the opinion upon except their personal speculation.

What I heard was a strong feeling of frustration that was labeled without a professional diagnosis   from someone personally involved being influenced by their own state of mind, personal issues, and a some need to discredit another person with innocuous charges.  Apparently, in the situation described there were some behavior anomalies not understood clearly and people who did not have the maturity or patience to think through reasonably.  As a result, family members talked about this freely amongst themselves and the person labeled, had a life-altering label hung over their head by people unwilling to engage in a healthy discussion with the person directly.  Therefore, the innuendo,  accusation, and labeling resulted in an unfounded characterization of the individual by people who had no expertise, no diagnostics, or professional advice. Consequently, impatience, intolerance, and difficulty with life experience resulted in people who were critical and unwilling to try to understand better so they just accepted an irrational opinion.

I walked away from the experience wondering how people who are constantly telling each other how much they love each other in public could behave in such a coercive way toward someone they publicly embraced in private.  My immediate observation was personal confusion because I did not see what I was being told as being real.  On the other hand, what I witnessed was systemic behaviors that demonstrated unhealthy ways of managing life.  In addition, what I saw people ready to easily dismiss a person by labeling them with an easy tag to explain away, invalidate, criticize, and destroy individual credibility on the altar of self-interest and selfish behavior.  Therefore, when self-interest disables people from being capable of understanding life events that might require them to think or reserve diagnosis for someone qualified what behaviors actually were indicating, the low road of self-interest chosen.  Reasonable people do sometimes do unreasonable things, but this made me wonder why the people involved in this story did not talk to the person individually and suggest a visit to a practitioner to gain better understanding?

An important question that I left the discussion with is what should be done when it appears a family member has unusual or strange behaviors that may be interpreted as Borderline Personality Disorder.  Obviously, the place to begin is not to make spurious, unfounded, or unprofessional accusations because others do odd things that irritate us personally.  What I learned from this situation was that the storyteller told me more information about their personal issues than they did about the other person.  Indeed, it is easy to project personal frustration about life on someone else, when we are overtaxed and feeling anxiety because life experiences do not meet our personal expectations.  In fact, what we usually dislike in others is what we most dislike about ourselves.  When things like this happen, something to consider is that transference may be at work and we are vicariously trying to resolve something that is out of kilter in our own life through fault finding in others.  It is a way of unconsciously saying there is something in my own life that I need fixed. So, when we suspect that Borderline Personality is an issue in someone that is a part of our lives what should be done?

A place to begin is to keep your suspicions to yourself and rely on professionals trained to diagnose, licensed to treat, and not personally involved.  This will provide quantitative data based information that correlates with evidence based-theory to inform.  Persons who are personally or emotionally involved with people who may have mental health issues should never take upon themselves to diagnose.  When casual inference or accusations are made, there is the danger of damaging a person or triggering a “acting in” incident that permanently damages a person or that can be fatal.  Information presently understood about Borderline Personality Disorder is that diagnosis is not a simple process, even from seasoned psychiatrists’ or therapists, because BPD is grouped within a cluster of personality disorders that are very similar in some ways.  For many Borderlines, a common misdiagnosis Borderline Personality Disorder occurs by associating symptoms of the BPD with Bi-Polar disorder.  Therefore, diagnosis requires in depth studies of symptoms and behaviors to determine whether they are a personality disorder or a metal heath condition that mimics symptoms that can be easily confused.  Therefore, diagnosing should not be performed by curious or interested parties, but should be left to people who are capable, ethical, and professional.  An important point to address is that people with mental health disorders, mood swings, or a family systems dysfunction are not bad people, they simply people who simply have a need for help in areas of deficiency in ways to improve health and functionality.  Also, consider this that personality disorders are not a personal flaw, but they are personality disorders.  Personality disorders have biological roots and demonstrate unique cognitive-behavioral patterns that devastate families, relationships, and life outcome; especially in family systems that label, minimize, criticize, and do not exercise patience and will not take time to understand.  Another important issue is that personality disorders are not a sign of weakness, it is not simply a reaction to a stressful time or event, it is a pattern of thinking, relating, and behaving that demonstrates symptomatic behaviors consistent with the particular disorder.  As a result, for those who seek treatment it is not uncommon for a therapist to see a patient for an extended period of time before making a formal diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.  As a result, care should be exercised in labeling or diagnosing individuals without expertise.  When there is a personal involvement with the individual and we think they are having significant problems, diagnosis should be done by professionals who can offer objective observations.

The  DSM IV list the criteria for the most common presentation of  symptomatic patterns associated with a scientific criteria established through research about disorders.  Therefore the criteria establish a pattern to build a scientific metric to rate the level of the disorder for developing a treatment plan that is focused upon the individual and the level of the disorder. Therefore diagnosis of people should be done by professionals who use scientific data, research, and diagnostic criteria to assign a diagnostic code and create a plan for treatment. When there is a question, the appropriate response is to keep your opinions to yourself and seek the help of medical-psychological professionals who are equipped to provide healthy solutions.

People with Mental Health issues Can be Hazardous to Your own Mental Health and Functionality in Life.

Another reason for seeking a mental health professionals assistance is when we suspect there is a real problem that needs more than what we can give.  The truth is that no one lives in a vacuum and mental health has a systemic effect upon those whose lives intersect in relationships, family, or work.  Certainly, other people’s problems and behaviors do affect us in an organic ways within a social or family system.  A good example is that living in a family where there is ongoing, unmanaged, or untreated mental health problems makes you feel shame, like you are crazy, or trapped in a never ending cycle.  The example given in this article effectively damaged a family relationship because irresponsible and uninformed responses were acted upon with no concern for the effect and no responsibility was taken for the actions. The truth that stands out is that when people do not live and respond in healthy functional ways there is a systemic effect.  When we live with people with personality disorders or serious mental health issues, every individual is being affected by the process of what is happening every time live intersects.  Having an awareness of what is occurring does impact lived experience by disabling functionality that is essential to maintaining balanced, congenial ways of relating.  As a result, the storyteller and the collaboration others who made foolish and irresponsible comments without consideration resulted in a permanently damaged relationship matrix that severed ability for a functional way of engaging in healthy relationships.  The lesson that I walked away from the conversation with is that people need to think about the effect of irresponsible statements  before make assumptions about other people that can damage their lives. In addition, people who claim to understand mental health issues should be willing to take responsibility for their actions in an ethical way, should willing to acknowledge mistakes that cause damage to others, and not simply act as if the event never happened.

The fact is that Borderline Personalities do create havoc and make life very difficult.  If you have ever questioned someone’s behavior or mental health, then maybe you should consult a professional.  Maybe you are wondering if you are living or working with a person who may be a Narcissistic or a Borderline Personality; then here is some helpful advice from Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD  who is qualified to speak about the disorder.

If you are convinced that a person you love has Borderline or Narcissistic personality traits, how does it affect you?

Censoring your thoughts and feelings.  You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings.  In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Everything is your fault.  You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Constant criticism.  She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Control freak.  She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde.  One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you.  She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person.  The first time it happens, you write it off.  Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness, and/or despair within you.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Invalidation–Your feelings don’t count.  Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD although; BPDs are slightly more capable of empathy than NPDs).

Confusion–Questioning your own sanity.  You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does.  If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Distorted reality “But I didn’t say that.  I didn’t do that.”  Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality.  Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back.  It’s usually bull, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Isolating yourself from friends and family.  You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability.  You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Walking on landmines.  One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

All good or all bad–splitting She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet.  You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.  (This is a BPD trait).

Absence of boundaries.  Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will.  Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning.  This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Emotional Abuse–You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep.  You’re a bastard.  I love you.  Don’t leave me.”  When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin.  She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you.  She promises to change.  She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.

Passive Aggressive Manipulation. When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats.  She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again.  Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family.  Then you are an emotional hostage.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/

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Who God Created Me to Be: What Drives Your Life?

“Everyone’s life is driven by something: many are driven by things like guilt, resentment, anger, fear, materialism, and the need for approval” (Rick Warren, 2002).

 Who is Driving the Bus?

 A dictionary definition of drive is to guide, to control, or to direct.  One of the questions that we are focusing on today is what the driving force in our life is.  Having a focused, central purpose to life that is rooted in a relationship with Him translates into a way of living that places God at the center of existence.  The thought that comes to mind is that God calls us in to a life to be who we are in terms of a relationship with Him.  At this point I am reminded again of the fact that, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever” (The Baptist Catechism).  So, in other words, a primary goal of being a innately –natural, authentic Christian who is driven by purpose is that a relationship with Him needs to be the defining characteristic of what drives the bus.  Unfortunately, most of us have grown up in a world where we have told to conform, forced to conform, and expected to conform.  The environmental invalidation stifles creativity within  and individuals become programmed by society and cultural expectations and we live a life of being driven by things, people, and expectations instead of purpose.

Reflection about Spiritual Direction: What or Who is Pushing Your Buttons?

 Have you ever taken time to think reflectively about what is driving your behavior in life?  It is an interesting question because I see people every day who are getting their buttons pushed by something or someone and they spend their time living a reactive rather than a proactive life.  In a life of being who God created you to be, is important to understand that the reason why we are just reacting is that we have not developed a comfort level with the way God made them and confidence enough to act beyond the influence and expectations of others.  Therefore, they get in the trap of conformity and are afraid to color outside the lines because of what others expect, a desire to please, and the fear of personal rejection.

What does the Bible say about drive and motivation for behavior?

 “Then I observed that most people are motivated to success by their envy of their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless, like chasing the wind” (Ecclesiastes 4:4Living Bible).

 The answer is that any efforts to live a life of trying to be like others or being driven by anything less than the purpose of God for life is spending time, effort, energy, resources, and time on something that will never be achieved.  Solomon called it “chasing the wind”.  When things outside of their purpose in life drive people, the person God created them to be, life turns into an empty pursuit that is never satisfying, stressful, and is not true to our true nature.  Therefore the key to harnessing the drives that lead to chasing to wind is to begin with a discovery process of individual purpose and who God created us to be.

Purpose provides a place to harness and direct the thing that will drive us forward.

“The man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder – waif, a nothing, a no man. Have a purpose in life, and, having it, throw such strength of mind and muscle into your work as God has given you” (Thomas Carlyle).

 The truth is that nothing matters more than knowing God’s purpose for your life, and nothing can bring satisfaction and wholeness in life like knowing who God created you to be a s an individual creation of God.

Some of the benefits of living to be what God created you to be in a a purpose-driven life is that it:

Gives meaning to your life and defines where to put your energy..

Simplifies your life and keeps you from chasing the wind.

Focuses your life on what is important to magnify your relationship with God.

It motivates you to live with an upward and inward focus that leads you to the future that God has for your life.

A central component of purpose is that it prepares you in this life to be fully developed as you enter eternity.  Remember that you were not put on earth to be creating an image for others to commit to memory.  Every believer was put in this world to “glorify God and to enjoy him forever” (The Baptist Catechism).  Surrendering to who you are in Christ in a life of discipleship and purpose is so that we will be conformed to the image of Christ in this life to enter the next life with a clear knowledge of who God created us to be now and then.

Affirmation

Everyone suffers with the problem of being driven by the wrong thing at times.  What we can remember is that “Without God, life has no purpose, and without purpose, life has no meaning. Without meaning, life has no significance or hope.” This is such a significant point and intentional statement.  It is important because it magnifies the dual responsibility to surrender to having a purpose, but also acting in faith and knowledge in response to who God is in reality.  Each person must live for the purpose for which God has designed; otherwise, whatever meaning seems to be obtained through living for lesser purposes will evaporate in eternity ahead.

Something that may important to remember is that people who don’t know their purpose try to do too much and that causes the elevation of stress, fatigue, and conflict. Indeed it is tempting to have one’s finger in many pies, but are they our pies to have our fingers in all of the time?  What we will discover is that when we have stripped life of the inessentials that do not contribute to who God created us to be and aligns with purpose, life will become more productive and satisfied.

When the right thing drives us we will discover that purpose always produces passion and that nothing energizes a life like a clear sense of purpose.  Perhaps this is why most of the Christians I meet have so little passion for the Kingdom of God. They are not living with a clear vision of the purpose for which God has created them or functioning in that purpose.

An important fact to accept is that given enough time, all your trophies will be trashed.  If that strikes you as negative and pessimistic; then, you have not read Ecclesiastes enough to understand the importance of a life without a purpose.  If reading the message of Ecclesiastes depresses you, it must be because you do  not understand what Solomon is saying. In a simple statement of truth, the message of Ecclesiastes is “Meaning and satisfaction are not found in any of life’s components; they are found only in life’s Creator”.

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Ed Stetzer – What is Transformational Church?

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If your church is experiencing inward drift and has lost its sense of mission, understanding of purpose, and is in decline. Here is a explanation of one of the services that I can offer you as a Transformational Church Consultant to help get your church on target by discovering the strengths that you possess and developing them to experience transformation and spiritual life in the body.  Ed Stetzer says, “People sometimes ask me about Transformational Church (TC), particularly after I mention it on Twitter as I did last week.” Click on the link below and explore.

Ed Stetzer – What is Transformational Church?.

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Established Churches and Inward Drift

A interesting article by Thom Rainer, CEO of Lifeway Products that explores churches that become inward in focus, thus creating closed-loop cultures within the church.  Rainer describes the characteristics and consequences that develop, which lead to organizational degeneration.  Click on the link below and enjoy.

Established Churches and Inward Drift.

How Pupose and Gifts Keep Us On Track

How Purpose and Gifts Keep Us On Track

By Ronnie Lee Murrill in Fellowship Baptist Church, SBC https://www.facebook.com/groups/112262965513619/

Discover Your Purpose In Life And It Will Keep You  On Track

Do you ever wonder why you are where you are and what you should be doing with your life?  In all honesty, there are times when I have to reassess what I am doing.  This is something that humans have struggled with from the very beginning of time. In the garden of Eden, God gave Adam and Eve a reason for existence and something to do with their lives.

Using Biblical precepts, the Christian can discover the purpose of life, design his or her destiny, and direct their achievement.

1. Remember that you are “called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28).

 Don’t think that by tapping into your human resources you will be where you’re supposed to be in your life. There is an expression that is used about some preachers, “they are momma called and daddy sent”. The fact is that only God can send us and when he does, he gifts us with the ability, talent, and skill to work within that calling. God will give evidence of those gifts and others will recognize the gift and follow by acknowledging your anointing to operate in that gift.

2. Take command of your life by submitting to God’s control of your life. (Romans 12 and 13).

Working for God is not a popularity contest, it is a spiritual calling to leadership and ministry of the gifts He has given us. That means: Functioning in a local church body in the gift God has given you along with others in submission to God. Think about the second part of God’s Great Commission, as Paul explains (I Cor. 12:15-17), the individual Christian cannot function alone. Each is like a specific part of the human body. The finger cannot function unless the brain does. The lungs must work well before the foot can carry the body. All parts of the body – and all parts of the church – must work in harmony and in submission to a Divine order God has set in place.

3. Share your Christian life with those around to bear the fruit of the purpose and gift you have to create lasting spiritual change. (John 15)

Realize that all spiritual fruit comes from being rightly related to God and comes in a life of surrender and submission. What are your dreams and desires? They usually come under four headings: spiritual, intellectual, physical, and those related to your personality, attitudes, and emotions. Ask yourself, am I asking God to bless what I want or have I decided to surrender to what He has called me for and gifted me to do? One way to know if we are gifted in a particular area is whether there is spiritual fruit from what we are doing and does it produce lasting change in people’s lives. When we decide to join God in what He is doing in there will be fruit and the fruit will bring spiritual change and lasting effect on the lives of people that we minister the gift to.

4. Pinpoint your social desires and ask yourself: Are my desires and goals the same as the Heavenly Fathers? (Colossians 3:1)

Think about your relationships with family, spouse, co-workers, people you associate with in organizations, and those in your church. Does you attitude reflect a perspective to others that I want God to be in control and that I am going to live a life under control, led by the Holy Spirit? If not; then fine-tune your goals to reflect the goals of God. This has to do with what we value –where our affections are set. God’s purpose in life is for us to be where He intends for us to be. It is being a good steward and being passionate about the right things. A lot of people spend their money in the wrong places and end up loosing everything they value most. Likewise, many people spend their lives in places and trying to exercise gifts that they don’t have and never have a productive life of value in the kingdom of heaven. The real issue is being a good steward of what God has gifted me to do, not what I want, or others want.

5. Where your heart is, there will be your treasure also. Do what you love. (Matt. 6:21).

A critical question that we have to ask ourselves in Christian ministry is why are we doing what we are doing. Is it for the approval that we get from others or is what we love to do because God has called us to do this ministry. Malcolm Forbes said, “Whatever you like to do, just find a way of doing it. The biggest mistake people make in life is not trying to make a living at doing what they most enjoy.” People who have their hearts connected to their work have evidence that manifests in what they do. They are enthusiastic, they take great time to think about it–pray about it, and have a desire to make what they do reflect excellency and bring glory to God. They are leaders and where they lead people to is to a higher place with God and not to complacency. When we love what we do like Jesus loves what He does, we will surrender to the gift, calling, and ministry that He has gifted us to do.

6. Ministry is the motive –Spiritual gifts are to minister help to someone who needs what you have to offer. (I Corinthians 12).

There is no more noble occupation than assisting another human being, or in helping someone succeed. Some of the reasons that people do not succeed at what they are gifted at are evident by: The motive is misplaced, it is about me and my rights; there has been little discipleship and personal spiritual growth; there is a spirit of pride and rebellion; and there has been no training and mentoring by a spiritually mature mentor. One thing that I remember that Joe Dubose said is a call to ministry is a call to prepare. Many people fail at the tasks of ministry because the motive is wrong from the beginning. It first has to be about God and then be about what God wants to do in people’s lives through the gift.

 Once you discover your God-ordained purpose, you must hold it under the brightness of God’s scrutiny and ask yourself: Is my attitudes, gift, and my ministry pleasing to God?

7. There is wisdom in a multitude of counselors –Seek wise counsel from spiritually mature people. (Proverbs 11:14).

Surround yourself with people you know and trust – and who know you, your strengths and weaknesses. Tap into their wisdom and experience, ask for their candid appraisal. One way that I can evaluate what I am doing is to find trustworthy people who are objective, functional, and will tell me the truth. So, often people just mirror back to us what we want to hear and are afraid of hurting our feelings. Sometimes we need to hear some painful truth in order to keep us humble before God and keep us from making fatal mistakes about what are purpose, gifts, and ministry means. Resisting the need to tell people the truth does not help them, it hurts them by re-enforcing the misconceptions they already have. There is a way to find where we belong in the ministry and it is not a popular vote, it is by a particular purpose of a sovereign God who created us for His glory.

8. If you are wondering where God wants you to be in this life, then create your own mission statement and ask yourself four questions about your purpose:

1. WHY do you have this purpose in life?

2 . WHO are you? (What have you accomplished to date? What is the code you live by?)

3. WHAT do you plan to accomplish in your destiny?

4 . WHEN are these goals to be achieved? (You must have a time line.)

9. Build an Action Plan: Determine how you will achieve your goals.

Start with the overview, details can come later.

10. Ask yourself,

“Is this really what I believe the Lord has planned for me?

Am I passionate about this? Can I give my life to this?” Believe that “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Phil. 4:13).

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Finding Hope in a Time of Uncertainty

It’s the beginning of a new year, and I am reminded that it is an opportunity to start again. This article is the early morning musing that comes from a daily habit of reflection about one day in life and what it means.  There are a lot of good questions ask about life that are important, but pondering the time of year and the opportunity for starting over.  A thought that comes to mind this morning is that opportunity is in our hands to make a positive contribution toward making this year count.  As a result, the question that I am pondering this morning asks a question connected to effectiveness at living in 2012: what are you going to do with opportunity in the coming year?  It is a good question and a personal question which focuses upon each one of us and all of us collectively.  In a times  such as this, “the new year” there is a poignant reminder that nothing ever stays the same –time keeps moving in a forward direction — and that if we do not change with time, we will be left in the dust of yesterdays dreams.

Yesterdays dreams may be filled with regrets, unfinished business, unpaid bills, or unfulfilled wishes.  This is readily witnessed in the current climate of the 21st century where much attention is directed toward the changing dynamics of American culture, politics, as well as personal issues, which have forced unwanted change upon life. With that in mind, I am reminded that attention directed to the future will be effective for those who are willing to embrace its potential and embrace hope in the unseen power that is possessed to build a path into a desirable future.  The direction that effectiveness will take is directly related to what you are willing to do about self.  Harry S. Truman said, “In reading the lives of great men, I found that the first victory they won was over themselves? self-discipline with all of them came first.”   Fulfilled dreams are not magical events or mystical feelings which are not grounded in reality, they are actions possessed by a forward attitude of determination committed to making a difference in each life,as well as, the larger world of people to make a meaningful difference.

For many,  instead of being a time of discipline focused toward a goal, the new year will be a time when morbid regret is focused upon diminished hope that results in trying to prop up the past, restore the past, or revive some idealized perspective that results from a life of constantly looking in the rear view mirror of life. One thing for sure is that life does not progress; while focus remains centered upon the unresolved, undone, or not finished business in the past. Indeed, the future belongs to those who are brave enough, willing enough, and strong enough to step with faith into a future that God alone knows and holds in His hand.

In the coming months, if the focus of life remains focused upon the lost hopes and dreams of an idealized American culture, economy, or social structure, then we may miss the opportunity to see a blossoming future where God does what only He can do through us in a world held hostage to hopelessness, isolation, and loneliness. It is a time that has been characterized by hopelessness where many remain discouraged. Solomon spoke about this attitude several thousand years ago and said, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. The value of these words resonate to the hopeful because while hope remains alive, we believe that a future is possible, that success is attainable, and goals are reachable. Indeed, it makes a difference what you believe about the future because– what you believe is what is most likely to happen right on time.

One of the things that is a pressing need today is to develop a discipline of hope among leaders that is grounded in a realistic look at what is ahead, a plan of action to arrive at a destination, and a way to keep accountable to the direction hope leads. Within this discipline, a challenge to possessing hope is in acceptance that hope is not just a feeling about life, about God, or something that is conjured up with positive affirming feelings. Rather, it is connected to a way of thinking that is rooted in faith in God, a firm belief in who God is, that He alone stands above– beyond– around– and ahead of every circumstance of life that we can encounter, and that He has a purpose to be fulfilled that brings meaning to existence.

Benjamin Disraeli said, “The secret of success is constancy of purpose.” Today, there is one thing that can motivate an attitude of belief that success is ahead is belief that there is design to what will occur.  That there is someone who is already there and knows the outcome every situation that will be faced in the days ahead.  Any hope that we can have today is not validated in a politician, a political process,  the economy, or other circumstances. Listen to the words of the psalmist David who said said, “What wait I for, my hope is in thee”. What are you waiting for and where is your hope today?

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