Thanks for you review and opinion about my article. I am thankful for your success in finding DBT and greater understanding to make your experience of life have the outcome that you speak about. If my article was difficult for you, I am sorry if it seems to create a a stigmata about personality disorders or any other mental illness, because that is not my intention. In response, it is apparent that while you are dealing effectively with your life and taking responsibility, the bulk of research suggests that many BPD individuals do not seek treatment until a crisis occurs. For them and the families of a person with BPD, it is a very perplexing and difficult issue to understand.

Since I wrote the article, I hope you do not mind if I share my personal observations. While there is great possibility for treatment and hope for a better life for the BPD, there is also a family, spouse, children, and others that are left in the wake of the problems this PD can create. I wrote this article as a personal reflection from my life experience with a family member with BPD who has not sought help and has literally destroyed family, relationships, and functionality in life. While I recognize the importance of your perspective, I also think that it is important to share the experience of those who are victimized by BPD. No mental condition or personality disorder should be stigmatized to diminish any person.

On the other hand, people who are the victims of a disorder that ravages families and destroys others lives should not be minimized to the point of stigmatizing the suffering of a loving mother, father, or family member who does not understand the nature of the PD. I hope you can understand that this was not written maliciously to castigate the person, but to point out to people who are experiencing life with a BPD, are not really crazy and there is hope in understanding the clinical information about one of many personality disorders and what can be through understanding what is happening. Thanks again for writing and publishing your thoughts. I wish the greatest success on your journey.

Ronnie

Ronnie

Example: She invites me to lunch. Tells me to choose the location. I do so and inform her which restaurant we’ll meet. She then sends me the name of another restaurant, nearer her home. So I tell her I’ve booked a table. She calls on the day and cancels, claiming she’s sick.
We arrange to meet again, somewhere closer to where I live. She tells me, she can’t park there (there’s a huge parking area), she can’t travel by public transport because she gets dizzy and may fall on the rain line. She can’t walk far.
A week later, she tells me she drove and parked at the same location and walked around the entire mall, (which is huge by the way).
Another time, she tells me she’s very keen to meet my new companion, so I make a date for her and her husband for lunch. She calls the night before to say she wants to tell her husband, that I cancelled because she had a fight with him and doesn’t want him to come and wants to come alone, so will tell him, she’s visiting a friend. I didn’t agree and cancelled the lunch.
Three months later, she tells me she was very keen to meet my new companion, but I never responded to her numerous requests!!! I tell her the true circumstances, that she didn’t want her husband to come. She denied it and tried to convince me that I had ignored her requests. I persisted with my answer, I did, you didn’t want your husband to come and we cancelled because of that.
These are just petty every day behaviours. The more insidious, poisonous and destructive, are heart breaking. She destroyed a relationship between myself and another sister that I was very close to. I have to admit, I played a part by allowing myself to be sucked into being manipulated and influenced.
That was my wake up call. After destroying that relationship, she became very friendly with the sister in question, poisoned her so that we could never repair our relationship. She died, I was banned from the funeral, unable to give care and support while she was ill and she was never able to accept my apology and attempt to repair our relationship, because she was still under the influence of BPD, causing her to be suspicious and angry towards me.
Thanks for your post. It has only helped me in my resolve to keep my eyes and ears open with this sister. We communicate mostly by phone and email, I don’t get sucked into her hate campaigns, I won’t encourage her by sympathising when she acts the victim, because I know, she is projecting all her anger and frustrations at her own emptiness, boredom and bitterness, onto someone else, to avoid taking responsibility for her own feelings.
It’s interesting to note, that when a BPD knows that you are on to them, that they back peddle and tread carefully! I don’t confront her, I simply don’t encourage her. She is my sister, I would like to maintain some contact, but I will not be an enabler and will not tolerate one more drama aimed at me either.
It’s comforting to know that someone else has such insight into this problem, because it is so well disguised that if I spoke to anyone about it, I’m almost sure they would think at the very least, I was exaggerating.
Best wishes, Katrina