Category Archives: Borderline Personality Disorder

February 3, 2013 · 3:09 pm

Accused of Being a Borderline? When is it Personal and When is it Professional?


Published by the American Psychiatric Associat...

Published by the American Psychiatric Association, the DSM-IV-TR provides a common language and standard criteria for the classification of mental disorders.

While visiting on an out of state journey, I went outside on the back porch to talk while dinner was cooking.  As we sat in the sun and began to talk, a rather strange twist in the conversation occurred.  The conversation changed from generalities to a story about one of the people inside the house who had Borderline Personality Disorder.  As a listened, I was curious and perplexed about why a person I hardly knew was telling me about something so personal and so personally damaging to the other person.  The story was filled with vignettes and illustrations that created an illusion about erratic behavior to support the claims being made.  The accused person was described as such a difficult person to cope with, controlling, manipulative, passive aggressive and frustrating to deal with.  It all sounded very bizarre and out of character for this to be happening on the back porch.  As a result, this seemed even stranger as it went on to me because the two people bareley knew each other and had spent very little time together.

What I observed during the conversation was a person who was very convincing, impassioned, and had some reason to feel deeply enough to say these things to a perfect stranger, but I wondered what the real purpose in this conversation was?  As I listened, the personal feelings of the person telling the story unfolded through private and very personal details of experiences, but this missing link was why me and why now?  What really struck me as strange about the story was the there was little firsthand observation, just a lot of hearsay information from others people’s experiences spun into a conclusion.  Pondering the question of why, it seems that this conversation was an intentional to influence my perspective to match a reality created in the mind of someone who had a goal in mind.  Therefore, why this was happening was not abundantly clear at the moment, but I was determined to understand more about the actual issue beneath the words, accusations, and characterizations in this conversation.  Consequently, I suspected that there was more to the story that I needed to know to understand how to respond.  What was apparent was that there was a perception about the meaning of the frustration with relationship problems.  As a result, the problem had been labeled as Borderline Personality Disorder.  As the conversation proceeded, what I learned was that more than one person believed the label of Borderline Personality Disorder, which surprised me greatly.  Evidently, in the conversations between my new acquaintance and other family members they had apparently accepted opinion, as fact, without ever questioning the veracity, reasons, and justification for this accusation.  This seemed strange because, the person labeled BPD was a highly venerated and loved person.  It made me wonder how intelligent people suddenly accept such a report based without reasonable causes.

On the other hand, the person telling the story expressed honest concern and a personal frustration with personal interpretations of problems experienced.  While the story was expressed with such impassioned and convincing explanations, there seemed to be something more that looked like a personal agenda.  Apparently, the conclusion made was based upon a feeling of adequate knowledge about counseling practices and that symptoms described were consistent with Borderline Personality Disorder.  In fact, the person telling the story said, “It is Borderline”, referring to the person’s personal assessment.  The confusion came when I was listening and it seemed as if everything that was said might be a reasonable explanation.  However, there was nothing concrete to base the opinion upon except their personal speculation.

What I heard was a strong feeling of frustration that was labeled without a professional diagnosis   from someone personally involved being influenced by their own state of mind, personal issues, and a some need to discredit another person with innocuous charges.  Apparently, in the situation described there were some behavior anomalies not understood clearly and people who did not have the maturity or patience to think through reasonably.  As a result, family members talked about this freely amongst themselves and the person labeled, had a life-altering label hung over their head by people unwilling to engage in a healthy discussion with the person directly.  Therefore, the innuendo,  accusation, and labeling resulted in an unfounded characterization of the individual by people who had no expertise, no diagnostics, or professional advice. Consequently, impatience, intolerance, and difficulty with life experience resulted in people who were critical and unwilling to try to understand better so they just accepted an irrational opinion.

I walked away from the experience wondering how people who are constantly telling each other how much they love each other in public could behave in such a coercive way toward someone they publicly embraced in private.  My immediate observation was personal confusion because I did not see what I was being told as being real.  On the other hand, what I witnessed was systemic behaviors that demonstrated unhealthy ways of managing life.  In addition, what I saw people ready to easily dismiss a person by labeling them with an easy tag to explain away, invalidate, criticize, and destroy individual credibility on the altar of self-interest and selfish behavior.  Therefore, when self-interest disables people from being capable of understanding life events that might require them to think or reserve diagnosis for someone qualified what behaviors actually were indicating, the low road of self-interest chosen.  Reasonable people do sometimes do unreasonable things, but this made me wonder why the people involved in this story did not talk to the person individually and suggest a visit to a practitioner to gain better understanding?

An important question that I left the discussion with is what should be done when it appears a family member has unusual or strange behaviors that may be interpreted as Borderline Personality Disorder.  Obviously, the place to begin is not to make spurious, unfounded, or unprofessional accusations because others do odd things that irritate us personally.  What I learned from this situation was that the storyteller told me more information about their personal issues than they did about the other person.  Indeed, it is easy to project personal frustration about life on someone else, when we are overtaxed and feeling anxiety because life experiences do not meet our personal expectations.  In fact, what we usually dislike in others is what we most dislike about ourselves.  When things like this happen, something to consider is that transference may be at work and we are vicariously trying to resolve something that is out of kilter in our own life through fault finding in others.  It is a way of unconsciously saying there is something in my own life that I need fixed. So, when we suspect that Borderline Personality is an issue in someone that is a part of our lives what should be done?

A place to begin is to keep your suspicions to yourself and rely on professionals trained to diagnose, licensed to treat, and not personally involved.  This will provide quantitative data based information that correlates with evidence based-theory to inform.  Persons who are personally or emotionally involved with people who may have mental health issues should never take upon themselves to diagnose.  When casual inference or accusations are made, there is the danger of damaging a person or triggering a “acting in” incident that permanently damages a person or that can be fatal.  Information presently understood about Borderline Personality Disorder is that diagnosis is not a simple process, even from seasoned psychiatrists’ or therapists, because BPD is grouped within a cluster of personality disorders that are very similar in some ways.  For many Borderlines, a common misdiagnosis Borderline Personality Disorder occurs by associating symptoms of the BPD with Bi-Polar disorder.  Therefore, diagnosis requires in depth studies of symptoms and behaviors to determine whether they are a personality disorder or a metal heath condition that mimics symptoms that can be easily confused.  Therefore, diagnosing should not be performed by curious or interested parties, but should be left to people who are capable, ethical, and professional.  An important point to address is that people with mental health disorders, mood swings, or a family systems dysfunction are not bad people, they simply people who simply have a need for help in areas of deficiency in ways to improve health and functionality.  Also, consider this that personality disorders are not a personal flaw, but they are personality disorders.  Personality disorders have biological roots and demonstrate unique cognitive-behavioral patterns that devastate families, relationships, and life outcome; especially in family systems that label, minimize, criticize, and do not exercise patience and will not take time to understand.  Another important issue is that personality disorders are not a sign of weakness, it is not simply a reaction to a stressful time or event, it is a pattern of thinking, relating, and behaving that demonstrates symptomatic behaviors consistent with the particular disorder.  As a result, for those who seek treatment it is not uncommon for a therapist to see a patient for an extended period of time before making a formal diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.  As a result, care should be exercised in labeling or diagnosing individuals without expertise.  When there is a personal involvement with the individual and we think they are having significant problems, diagnosis should be done by professionals who can offer objective observations.

The  DSM IV list the criteria for the most common presentation of  symptomatic patterns associated with a scientific criteria established through research about disorders.  Therefore the criteria establish a pattern to build a scientific metric to rate the level of the disorder for developing a treatment plan that is focused upon the individual and the level of the disorder. Therefore diagnosis of people should be done by professionals who use scientific data, research, and diagnostic criteria to assign a diagnostic code and create a plan for treatment. When there is a question, the appropriate response is to keep your opinions to yourself and seek the help of medical-psychological professionals who are equipped to provide healthy solutions.

People with Mental Health issues Can be Hazardous to Your own Mental Health and Functionality in Life.

Another reason for seeking a mental health professionals assistance is when we suspect there is a real problem that needs more than what we can give.  The truth is that no one lives in a vacuum and mental health has a systemic effect upon those whose lives intersect in relationships, family, or work.  Certainly, other people’s problems and behaviors do affect us in an organic ways within a social or family system.  A good example is that living in a family where there is ongoing, unmanaged, or untreated mental health problems makes you feel shame, like you are crazy, or trapped in a never ending cycle.  The example given in this article effectively damaged a family relationship because irresponsible and uninformed responses were acted upon with no concern for the effect and no responsibility was taken for the actions. The truth that stands out is that when people do not live and respond in healthy functional ways there is a systemic effect.  When we live with people with personality disorders or serious mental health issues, every individual is being affected by the process of what is happening every time live intersects.  Having an awareness of what is occurring does impact lived experience by disabling functionality that is essential to maintaining balanced, congenial ways of relating.  As a result, the storyteller and the collaboration others who made foolish and irresponsible comments without consideration resulted in a permanently damaged relationship matrix that severed ability for a functional way of engaging in healthy relationships.  The lesson that I walked away from the conversation with is that people need to think about the effect of irresponsible statements  before make assumptions about other people that can damage their lives. In addition, people who claim to understand mental health issues should be willing to take responsibility for their actions in an ethical way, should willing to acknowledge mistakes that cause damage to others, and not simply act as if the event never happened.

The fact is that Borderline Personalities do create havoc and make life very difficult.  If you have ever questioned someone’s behavior or mental health, then maybe you should consult a professional.  Maybe you are wondering if you are living or working with a person who may be a Narcissistic or a Borderline Personality; then here is some helpful advice from Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD  who is qualified to speak about the disorder.

If you are convinced that a person you love has Borderline or Narcissistic personality traits, how does it affect you?

Censoring your thoughts and feelings.  You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings.  In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Everything is your fault.  You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Constant criticism.  She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Control freak.  She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde.  One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you.  She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person.  The first time it happens, you write it off.  Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness, and/or despair within you.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Invalidation–Your feelings don’t count.  Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD although; BPDs are slightly more capable of empathy than NPDs).

Confusion–Questioning your own sanity.  You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does.  If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Distorted reality “But I didn’t say that.  I didn’t do that.”  Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality.  Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back.  It’s usually bull, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Isolating yourself from friends and family.  You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability.  You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Walking on landmines.  One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

All good or all bad–splitting She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet.  You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.  (This is a BPD trait).

Absence of boundaries.  Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will.  Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning.  This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

Emotional Abuse–You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep.  You’re a bastard.  I love you.  Don’t leave me.”  When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin.  She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you.  She promises to change.  She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.

Passive Aggressive Manipulation. When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats.  She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again.  Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family.  Then you are an emotional hostage.  (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/

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June 1, 2011 · 7:33 pm

BPD Central – borderline personality disorder resources – basics


If you are looking for a resource with basic information that is linked to more exhaustive information about Borderline Personality Disorder, take a look at this site.

The Klown Within ~ 1 of 3 photos

Image by Urban Woodswalker via Flickr

BPD Central – borderline personality disorder resources – basics. (Click on link to open)

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April 29, 2011 · 2:57 pm

Invalidation, Control, and Bullying: Who Wins?


Invalidation

Do you recognize the picture?  Better yet, can you identify the feeling of repeatedly experiencing the sting of emotional abuse that comes from being invalidated?

Invalidation is the tool that abusers, bullies, and manipulators use to destroy the emotional self-confidence of their unwitting victims taking away their virility and power to create a meaningful life apart from the abuser.

What is invalidation and how does it affect what happens in life?  Some ways that invalidation is expressed comes through rejection, being ignored, mocked, teased, judged, or having your feelings diminished. It is an attempt for one person to control how another person feels and how long they feel it.  So, invalidation is an attempt to control what is felt, to tell you what you should think, but most of all to control what you do. The goal of invalidation  is to gain an advantage over you resulting in control over what you do, think, and feel, so as to benefit the abuser personally i.e. meet their emotional need and validate a feeling of control.

How does invalidation affect emotional development?

The effect of constant invalidation in families and relationships unfolds systemic patterns of interaction that inhibit a secure sense of self in the world.  Invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from the effects of unmet emotional needs later in life.  The crisis point for many people who have been invalidated or feeling disempowered comes in the middle years or at times characterized by developmental changes.  While growing up, a sensitive child, repeatedly invalidated becomes emotionally confused and begins to distrust his own feeling and intuition.  The impact of invalidating emotional abuse is that the developing child fails to develop confidence– a sense of the self and healthy use of the emotional brain.  What occurs is that the child adapts to adapt to a unhealthy and dysfunctional environment.  The child adapts to a way of understanding life resulting in a working relationship between thoughts and feelings built upon faulty beliefs about self, others, and life.  As a result, emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, as well as, permanently affected by the results of abusive relationships.  The results understood by reveal that the emotional processes, which worked for the person as a child, begin to work in opposition to an effective adult life.  Indeed, invalidation links in effect to many of the mental health challenges and disabling relationship problems that adults face in the family system.

How does invalidation occur?

Do people set out to be invalidated or are people just born to be abusive, making it their life’s mission to invalidate and control?  The answer may be yes and it may be no.  People are the product of their parents, are born in a certain order, and are predisposed to a certain genetic makeup, but what happens in the process of life is largely because of experiences through life.  Abusive people may have certain characteristics of behavior, but they learn very early in life that they can get results through abusing someone else.  Abusers learn to control by abusing and victims learn victimization through abuse.  An older child tells a younger child that they are going to be held back in school because they are stupid or not smart enough by an older child.  What impact does that have on self esteem?  When a mother who tells a child that they are mentally ill, they are stupid or retarded.  What impact does it have on a developing child?  The answer is that it depends on the child and the way that particular child will process what is being said.  Attach those remarks to a emotionally sensitive child or place it in a family system characterized by insecurity and self-esteem problems and invalidation takes on meaning not felt to someone who has a different life experience.

What does yesterday have to do with today?

People may not set out to be abuser, but what happens is that the pattern of relating so ingrained in behavior is automatic.  Invalidators and abusers have difficulty stopping the behavior because responses are from a learned pattern in a system of behaviors, which have worked throughout the life experience.  What can be observed is that abusive people have patterns of relating that are evident, which like a scarlet thread run through working relationships, professional and business affairs, family interaction, and marriage, and children.

I remember one night after a business meeting that one of the members who had always been in control exploded became very abusive to my wife to the point that I had to physically restrain him to calm him down.  In the exchange, there was heated verbal abuse, invalidation, physical aggression, and an effort to control through intimidation.  What I knew about this person was that there was a history of abusive behavior against former pastors using a pattern of attacking the wife and children to demoralize and exert control.  The outcome was not what the bully hoped for and something learned is that when people who are constantly being invalidated make an effort to assert independence, the abuser feels threatened and will most- likely trigger a drama.  Unfortunately, in this case, the bully became verbally and physically abusive in order to demoralize and control their unwitting victims, putting him in a no win situation.  The connection between childhood patterns and the lived-experience of an adult is the systematic ways of relating formed in the early years affects the ways relationships through are acted out in life.  For the abused person, until there is enough strength of character discovered to stop the bullying, invalidating, and abuse, the pattern continues in relationships.

Boundaries and outcome

Some people say, “It is what it is”, but really it becomes what you make it.

The unfortunate result is when people feel trapped inside a social or family-system characterized by invalidation, abuse, and dependence; there is a loss of essential hope felt– a fundamental belief that life cannot be any different.  One of the reasons for hopelessness is that every person in the system is intertwined in a maze of assumptions behaviors, rules, mores’, and perceptions that are connected to self-esteem and value in the social construct.  The pressure of social acceptance felt in family, groups, system, or sub-systems has a direct impact upon efficacy in life.  When life is characterized by emotional abuse, physical abuse, invalidation, and self-esteem problems, it will normally go on until a crisis occurs that requires-forces a change to take place.

The important factor that every person needs to understand is that, while life is lived in a community, the quality of life to be experienced comes through an individual choice –a personal journey toward wholeness.  Every person must individually take responsibility for what they will do and what life will become.  The hard truth is that people who have invalidated you will continue to do so until you take responsibility for life and not allow others to determine your happiness and outcome in life.  A popular saying states, “When you choose a behavior, you choose an outcome in life.”

Creating healthy boundaries for relationships is a way of choosing what will happen in life through relationships.  Invalidation eats away the energy of life that enables creativity, well being, security, and healthy boundaries –the ability to live in an effective manner.  The truth is that the only person that can change your life is you.

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March 15, 2011 · 2:52 am

Borderline Personality Disorder: Hidden Within The Family System


The image illustrates some theory of famous ps...

The Borderline Triad

Family life that includes interaction with a borderline personality has the potential of creating a domino effect triggering toxic behaviors and relationship problems having the potential to disrupt, shatter or destroy social and family relationships.  However friends and onlookers who do not understand, mysteriously ignore what is happening and the behavior goes unrecognized for years, with people, never questioning what is happening in daily interaction.  A difficulty with this type of behavioral disorder is understanding that that, “Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental disorder with a characteristic pervasive pattern of instability in affect regulation, impulse control, interpersonal relationships, and self-image effect” (Lieb K., 2004, p. 453).

Further misunderstanding  is magnified when there is not a distinguishable way to understand why behavior occurs or what it means.   Unfortunately, families that borderline personalities are part of have relationship patterns that are characterized by toxic patterns of interaction that result in abusive and  enabling behavior, thus disabling functionality with the individual as well as the extended family.  Therefore, when families fail to recognize what these behaviors, patterns of relating develop naturally to adapt and manage what is misunderstood in ways that may not be beneficial.

The problem that is not understood contains a fundamental failure to construct healthy ways of living and relating effectively.  Consequently, a relational mythology constructed paints a picture of perceived functionality; thereby establishing a group expectation that seems normal, but is it really?

The adaptive behavioral effects are cloaked by denial of the existing reality that something is wrong.  The outcome demonstrates an inability to experience functional intimacy; thereby hiding the problem that is beneath the unusual behavior occurring.  As a result, there is a life where secrecy, emotional abuse, codependency, and bullying behaviors are major themes accompanying the daily interaction within family life.  Consequently, is the rule attached to a distorted self-concept.  What results is a feeling of dis-empowerment fueled by belief that this can never change resulting in relating through acquiescing to dysfunctional patterns erroneously felt to represent a safety zone to experience life.

Family Systems

All families develop coping strategies for managing relationships, but often times those ways are not the best approach to address the central issues within a family system.  It is a plausible reality that the family members inside the system do not understand clearly what is happening and are confused or in denial. Therefore, not being able to see the problem clearly results in a distorted sense of reality and skewed expectations of life.  As a result, family rituals, expectations, phenomenology and internalized mores’ create demands for participating in family life, which contribute to social reinforcement of problematic behaviors.  Therefore, enabling acceptance of anomalies that otherwise would be considered unacceptable.  Indeed, everyone likes to believe that they are objective and that they are not contributing to destructive patterns of relating, that in effect are damaging, and many times destroying relationships. However, the question that participants in the system need to ask is what role is going to be played; will it be the enabler, the excuser, or the examiner? The person  who decides to be a rescuer participates in the destructive behaviors excusing and then enabling by refusing to acknowledge there is something that is not right. Unfortunately, it is thinking and believing that helping means fighting to keep everything  the same.

Motivators and Influences

One essential problem that is fundamental to misunderstanding BPD is that most people do not know any more about personality disorders than we do about cancer.  When I think back upon my own experience with cancer and my wife who died from cancer; I often wonder why this went undiagnosed and untreated, while we were seeing doctors who should have understood.  Also, knowing what I know now, why did we not pay closer attention to clear indications that there was a problem and do something about the cancer.  The problem was that it was diagnosed too late for her to recover and the end result was that the cancer that was hidden destroyed her life. What might have been avoided, if we had taken time to think, brought an unimaginable reality and destruction of everything that was loved and hoped for in life.  Borderline personality, for some people, is eating away at what creates and sustains healthy relationships and because it is not recognized or easily diagnosed as a result, it is misunderstood. Unfortunately, the unimaginable destruction is becoming a reality the longer the disease is ignored.

Genetic Influence

A problem existing  within  mental disorders is establishing what the relationship is between symptoms and the etiology of biological problems.  Historically, an  ongoing debate focuses upon the question of origin or cause.  Can mental illnesses be inherited or is personality disorder caused by a negative impact of life events, trauma, stress, or other related symptoms?  A source providing clarity is medical history connected to of the family of origin. Research performed about genetic factors of mental health indicates that, “There are several lines of evidence from family studies supporting a possible genetic association of borderline personality and affective disorders” (MacKinnon, 2006, p. 6). As a result, family medical history, mental health histories , and relationship history create a link to what is happening.

When anomalies in behavior occurs what can be made of the connection between biology and behavior?  An assumption might be made that the borderline is angry or acting out. This  is a  behavior cue that something is seriously wrong and very puzzling–especially when family and acquaintances treat the behavior as unimportant.  One response to what happened is in how the genetic-biological history of the person is organized. In general, science connects the conditions in the family history and suggests a link between the behavior that causes someone, who gives every indication that they are apparently honest and intelligent in other ways to engage in impulsive and reckless behavior without thought of consequences.

What causes emotional dysregulation to occur when there is a perceived, intense feeling of abandonment, rejection, or loss of control?  It may be that what is hidden by a casual look at circumstances may be better understood through looking at genetic predisposition indicating what motivates a person who looks like an upright individual to suddenly rationalize extreme behavior, while totally disregarding the autonomy of other  family members.  It is perplexing at the very least to understand why BPD individuals act as they do.  Consequently to sum it up, when there is a strong history that suggests mental health disease demonstrates significant patterns through family history, genetics, and systemic behaviors; there may be sound reasons to conclude that there is an identifiable systemic pattern for the behavior being elicited by the ongoing emotional dysregulation.

Unfortunately, denial and a fundamental lack of understanding creates a state of denial that promotes a false sense of security that life is under control.  However, the great danger is that when behaviors suggest BPD and it is ignored, families convince themselves that it is not happening and live with constant confusion and disillusionment. A good question to ask is whether creating a mythology and magical thinking can negate the serious effect of what is really happening?  A philosophers question about perception says: ‘if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound”?   The moral is the quote reminds us to think about what may be happening around us that is actually happening, but we just are not aware of what is happening because we are not there to hear.  The fact is that what is not heard or understood is often hidden in the secrecy of a  family system where denial provides a false sense of security that creates a artificial safe zone where the noise of behavior is not being heard by those around the Borderline, but that does not mean BPD behaviors are not happening in the context of life.

References

Lieb K., Z. M. (2004). Borderline personality disorder. The Lancet , 364, 453-61, doi:10.1016/S0140-6736(04)16770-6.

MacKinnon, D. F. (2006). Affective instability as rapid cycling: Theoretical and clinical implications for borderline personality and bipolar spectrum disorders. Bipolar Disorders , 8 (1), 1-14. doi:10.1111/j.1399-5618.2006.00283.x.

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March 11, 2011 · 4:28 pm

Deception and the Borderline Personality: What Could have Been?


Scared child

Fear and the Borderline Personality

I know that you believe what you have been told is the truth and you would not believe it, even if someone told you otherwise.  However, consider for a moment the possibility that you may have been deceived by a pervasive pattern of behavior consistent with a  personality disorder. What makes it most difficult is when it is someone that you love and have lived with throughout life.  Indeed, it is very hard to come to terms with the unusual behaviors because the behavior coupled with a skewed sense of reality.  Unfortunately, the depth of events like this cannot be understood without realizing the nature of  a personality disorder coupled with a mental illness. Indeed, the confusion about the presentation of the disease result of a lack of awareness about the ambiguous and confusing behaviors .  Unfortunately, the  daily happenings with a borderline personality are confusing to sort out, partly because, persons with BPD have a biological and environmental predisposition to thinking patterns that results in thinking patterns that are based upon a faulty process of assigning meaning to reality. As a result, Borderline Personality Disorder is often deeply entrenched within family systems who live with dysfunction without realizing the source of systematic problems that exist. Therefore, because many are high functioning, intelligent, and capable of hiding the disorder, it goes unrecognized until a crisis places the individual in a therapists care. As a result, behaviors go on undetected or misunderstood, as something else, until a life events bring the person to a place of help. Unfortunately, the result of living with Borderline Personality is that many families loose a sense of balance in how relationships occur.  As a result, the lack of clinical understanding contributes to dysfunctional relationships, where members become the  enablers in the way life is experienced every day.  Unfortunately, when undetected the personality disorder contains the potential to damage and destroy relationships when finally discovered.  In many cases loving family members are unwittingly programmed by the dysfunction of the disease to enable, rescue; thus reinforcing the misunderstanding about the disorder.  As a result, family, spouses, and others feel victimized, assume responsibility , and live with constant turmoil; while believing it is a normal part of life.  When there is a lack of understanding about the pattern of behaviors witnessed among those with Borderline Personality Disorder, many times the disorder goes untreated and the chaotic experience continues for the BPD, as well as, those in the family system.

Obviously, not all Borderline Personality symptoms will present with the exact patterns.  This is one reason why it is so confusing to bystanders who are not mental health practitioners.  It is a common experience for the borderline personality to give the appearance of being a very normal person to most people and unnoticed by people in the family, friends, and circle, of acquaintances.  Nevertheless, at the same time the BPD is inflicting excruciating emotional pain upon family members through a pervasive pattern of behaviors that just does not make sense. The response of many family members can be confusion and being made to feel a little crazy themselves.  A common behavior of the Borderline personality is to act out or act in exhibiting attention seeking behaviors that are convincing enough for onlookers to evoke a sympathetic response. The natural response to acting out is to enabler or to rescue the Borderline from every impending crisis, which seems very real to the BPD.  The behavior of acting out has earned many Borderline’s the label of “Drama Queen“, i.e., individuals who “act out” to gain the sympathy and support of others.  This calculated performance is portrayed to deflect attention away from the internalized fear  beneath the  behavior. Obviously, onlookers who do not fully understand what is happening, so it triggers a response to console and rescue the person from their tragic circumstances.  As a result, individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder are constantly managing a lifestyle unconsciously played out in a constantly developing drama where they are constantly  “faking it” to make it in the world their skewed perception creates.  In the drama  played out, the great fear of abandonment and continual threat of rejection must be managed by by the behaviors exhibited.  Therefore, at the heart of the BPD’s crisis management is the morbidity potential attached to the phobic thinking that sooner or later he/she will be “found out” and face permanent abandonment and rejection.  Consequently, the behavior often observed  centers around a concerted effort to manage life at the cost of others that contributes to a life-long pattern of manipulating people, information, and perception in ways that spin reality to match their mentally distorted view of life. The goal of the pervasive thinking pattern is to manipulate, control, and hide the underlying problem from people around them on a daily basis.

The danger felt by a Borderline is motivated by the neurotic fear of being found out and facing the possibility of being rejected or abandoned.  As a result, the very idea of someone exposing the reality of the borderline behavior is a trigger that evokes fear of being exposed along with the subsequent fear of abandonment. Facing this stress, triggers the core issue, the fear of abandonment, isolation, and public exposure to the truth resulting in Borderline Rage. Consequently, the behavior following is an intense feeling of rejection, pain, along with outbursts of anger.  Neurotic fear  triggers defensive mechanisms designed to try to regain control of the skewed mental perception of many Borderlines by re-spinning reality to those around them.  Therefore, what results is rage, acting out, as well as, acting in behaviors resulting from emotional dsyregulation from the perceived threats.

Unfortunately for you, if you are the person who identifies the deception of the borderline, be prepared to become the focused object of  rage motivated by an irrational belief  that you caused abandonment, social isolation, and rejection.  Rage is directed at you by the Borderline in a very personal way that is designed to destroy you and disable your credibility to everyone she can influence. Something to remember is that for the borderline, the loss of control coupled with the fear of abandonment triggers a heightened level of stress that is unmanageable, which results in dysregulated emotions, panic, and the attention seeking behaviors that will follow.  Consequently, a common experience for the BPD is when dysregulation is triggered is that splitting occurs and what was once all good has suddenly become all bad.

This symptomatic pattern among Borderlines threatened with a feeling of lack of control, or being found out, is to turn their anger toward the person who knows their secret and threatens the myth that they have created.  In the distorted reasoning of the Borderline, the identifier endangers their ability to maintain a feeling of  control,  which in turn triggers emotional dysregulation under the stress.  Then, comes the anger, rage, passive aggressive anger focused by the internalized threat upon the person who knows their secret and may expose the BPD to accountability for their distorted behaviors. So, before you assume responsibility for the rage, pain, and dysfunction, remember that this is not your fault, it is BPD.

To understand this better, the behavior pattern of the the borderline, which demonstrates intense fear of being found out is rooted in an irrational belief that she/he will be abandoned if found out and others discover that they are a fake, drama queen, and manipulator.  Their behavior commonly presents the BPD as a wounded child on one side .  Among others behavior can demonstrate acts of striking out, outbursts of anger, using innuendo, accusation that vilifies person perceived to threaten the borderline’s need control reality.  Meanwhile, the drama is painting a picture of their own victimization by others or events that surround them. Consequently, the picture painted is the image of a wounded child and their innocence in every situation in contrast with villanizing those who do not comply with the spun reality constructed in the BPD perception. As a result, borderline are capable of  when they feel their ambiguous reality is questioned and their mentally constructed myth is debunked.  Typically, Borderlines surround themselves with  people, who are largely undiscerning, unaware, many times co-dependent, and capable of easily being duped by the coercive manipulation and deception that is characteristic of the thinking patterns of the Borderline Personality.

If you are not willing to join the company of the Borderlines enablers and participate in their plan,  then you should expect your life to become very difficult.  Borderline behavior toward individuals they cannot manipulate or control will be characterized by rage, distorted reason, and skewed perception fueled by a firmly held belief that this behavior is justified, correct, and you deserve intense cruel actions.  It is because in the skewed perception of the Borderline you are just being mean and viscous to the wounded, innocent child who is actually a suffering saint.  At the same time,  the wounded child has a sense of entitlement to behave as they do no matter how bad, nor matter the consequences for others, no matter who they damage.  Their is no sense of functional pro-social behavior and much like typical anti-social behavior the BPD  insists on being supported and given what they want most.  What they want to feel most is that they are in control of those around them so they will not be abandoned.  As a result, in the thought process of the Borderline they are so, so very innocent, never responsible, and do not deserve this treatment.

For the borderline, control manifests through isolating support mechanisms that the BPD person believes you depend upon for functionality in life.  Therefore, they will isolate you, discredit you, and many times engage in criminal mischief, risk-taking behaviors to prevent you from being independent of them.  Common areas of isolation,  such as family relationships, children, grandchildren,  friends, relationships, and financial resources are the target of the Borderline to exhibit passive aggressive anger and to isolate in order to feel in total control.  Also, it is common for Borderlines to destroy your personal property, assault your credibility privately,  demonstrate passive-aggressive anger,  projecting their own problems in behaviors that demonstrate the intense rage and fear felt in an internalized feeling of a  loss of control.  The goal of these behaviors are to deflect from themselves any belief that they are indeed suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder and to paint the picture that you are actually the one that has a problem, Therefore, the splitting behavior,  “all good turns to all bad” is a reality and suddenly you are secretly the victim of the lethal behavior of Borderline rage.  In fact, Borderlines work to constantly keep the object of their behavior in “no win” situations to create powerlessness to respond to manipulative distortion in order to reinforce the myth they uniquely created about you.

People with BPD play the role of victim quite well and make every person who disagrees with their perspective about their mistreatment the object of rage and accusation.  A common description “the emotional vampire” becomes a reality and behavior is purposely acted out that emotionally drains individuals around the   For their audience, a stellar performance is given to endear sympathetic attention, while the Borderline is dividing people from one another to meet their personal need to always be the center of attention, by playing the victim. Their insidious purpose is to feed a deflated, empty ego and an absence of a secure individual identity.  The actions of the Borderline reinforces  a distorted self-perception about their own image, constantly being projected and protected, while at the same time painting the picture of victimization by others. In the deception, the goal is to achieve is personal empowerment by isolating those who are threats, dividing relationships, and ultimately feeling the “power of control.”

In the act of  anger focused on the threat , the borderline is empowered through passive aggressive behavior designed to express anger passively to confuse and retaliate at the same time.  Passive–aggressive anger is passive in how it is presented and seems to be innocent, innocuous, and well hidden.  However,  the toxic anger felt from rejection, abandonment, and perceived threats results in toxic debilitating behaviors toward persons who are the source of threats to the BPD.  As a result,  the pervasive actions of the borderline are attempts to dis-empower secretly anyone who might validate their greatest fear, being found out and loosing control of their image and others affirmation.

For a borderline their is no middle ground.  The life perspective characterized by “splitting”: everything and everyone is  either “all good or all bad”, becomes a normal way of life.  Obviously for the BPD,  having the inability to regulate emotions under stress causes the dysregulation of emotional responses into extremes, anxiety, and intense behavior.  For instance, ” I hate you, please don’t leave me” is a statement that expresses the extremes of a borderline splitting in a dysregulated emotional state.  For the unwitting relative, partner, victim, it is a psychological double-bind that is emotionally confusing and traps them in a no win situation, where there seems to be no escape.  Adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed, abused, and stay in a state of emotional confusion by the BPD’s accusations, manipulation, and criticisms. This principle stated by Benham says: “The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well.” What a vivid picture of daily life with an unregulated, undiscovered, and untreated Borderline Personality at work spinning reality.

The problem experienced in the deception is a functional inability to achieve genuine intimacy in relationships as a result of the perpetual deceptive manipulation of the Borderline.  The behavior occurs to create an image of life that is spun, as if it is reality for those around them.  The deception convincingly persuades the audience with dramatic, impassioned presentation of need through charm utilizing the seductive power of emotional manipulation. Unfortunately, having BPD in a family member and not understanding the peculiar behavior results in deception and constant confusion leaving a belief for some that they are crazy.  This insidious behavior empowers in borderline personality to go undetected.  The result is that family members enable behavior: thus contributing to the patterns of destructive behavior. Because the borderline is so adept at hiding reality in drama, family members believe the distorted perception of the borderline and have a perception that they are being supportive and helpful,  but in reality family members become the unwitting accessory after the fact in the drama being played out.

The fact that many people are unaware of is that the borderline will crash and burn at some point in life. When the day of awakening comes for you and and you begin to suspect that something is wrong, you may go back and begin to recollect the childhood memories, inconsistencies, and behavior cues that tell you  something was off.  When that moment of awareness comes; then you will feel the pain of being so thoroughly deceived: that painful feeling of being the unwitting participant in the confusing and destructive behavior patterns. Unfortunately, because you have been so thoroughly deceived, you may still wrestle with the idea that this could never be.  There is a deep sense of regret that can manifest when you realize that you have been placing blame for what has happened upon another person, who in reality has been the object of the borderlines rage and distorted reality. Unfortunately, for the Borderline, many do not realize their problem until they wind up in an emergency room, in a courtroom, a prison, as a result of an acting in event.  One thing is for sure, that behind the borderline is a trail of broken lives, broken dreams, and people who are experiencing the constant grief from the emotional upheaval constantly being experienced.

If you are reading this, you more than likely understand just exactly what I am saying.  If there is a borderline in your life, time will write a story that will have themes of deception, manipulation, dividing, and splitting.  Awareness is the first step at having the building blocks for a healthy way to approach a very challenging personalty disorder. Only  you can make the decision to listen and  consider the impact of what is occurring and learn to do what is best for you. The unfortunate fact  is that many borderlines do not find the help needed to enable an effective life until relationships are damaged and what could been is lost through the deception that empowers the borderline who continues on a path of self-defeating behaviors and deceiving those around them.

As I think about the ways this disorder plays out, I am reminded of what  John Greenleaf Whittier said, ” The saddest words of tongue or pen is what could have been.”

Something to think about is that there is help available for those who suffer from this tragic personality disorder that could change how life can be experienced for the borderline and those around them.   There is no shame in having a mental illness, the shame is that people who believe they are helping by rescuing and enabling, while actually hurting the borderline by actively supporting the behavior, which destroys relationships in families every day.

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December 8, 2010 · 6:32 pm

Finding Balance: Are My Feelings Giving A Correct Assessment of Life?


Process of perception conceptually

I was recently talking to someone who’s parent had died and the father remarried within a year. As we spoke, I heard the painful story describing the personal experience of a person who felt that remarriage changed the surviving parent and subsequently believed that the father no longer loved them. It reminds me that how a person feels about what happens may essentially be more important than what actually happens.  For example, the feeling of rejection coupled with loneliness  and isolation has a devastating effect upon the life of people who have lost the sense of belongingness and sense of love  in a family system. Equally important is a parent who has lost their meaning and purpose in life and  has found someone to have relationship, companionship,and some hope for a better life.  However while fulfilling a personal need, the message felt by family members is that they are not loved, you have changed, and we are being unfairly treated.  A good question to ask here is what is the real issue?  The answer is complicated, but simply put is a matter of where a person is standing and how we feel about where we are standing.  I honestly believe that all behavior is driven by need felt in and through life experience.

The challenge within finding balance in changing relationships connects to the fact of how we feel and not necessarily in what is really happening.  A truth is that life has changed and people’s behaviors appear different, but what needs to be asked is: Why do people see things as they do and behave as they do?

One obvious answer is that every person has their own perspective of events from where they are standing in a situation.  Another answer is theoretical, a Rogerian principle which echoes a perspective that, it is not the activating event– it is how we feel an about event that is important.  A relative truth is that, in conflict, feelings count about 90% and fact about 10%.  While feelings are important in a lived experience the unanswered question is, “are my feelings a true reflection of reality?”  This is difficult because when something is rooted in perceptions and feelings, it is what we believe to be true from our perspective that we respond to which may not be always accurate.  If we could tape the inner conversation of an individual in a situation and play it back, what would it say?   What might be heard is a story of how the world is understood/misunderstood and is fueling the feeling not being loved, not as important, or the feeling of replacement by someone new.

Feeling is what drives the behavior which in turn reinforces what is believed to be true; thus becoming, a self-fulfilling prophecy.  What is not understood is that the fear of loss and abandonment actually motivates self-protecting behavior which, in turn, causes our worst fear to become a reality.  When actions are in accordance with what is really believed– felt to be true; then what is really believed become the reality that we see, experience, and live out.

Some misunderstood facts may be missing that contribute to feeling wrongly and behaving badly. When someone dies or divorce occurs, one fact is that family dynamics change and relationships are redefined as a natural developmental process.  A normal response is that change is resisted as responses demonstrate the component of denial that says, “I know it happened but nothing has really changed–life will go on as it always has .”  The idealistic response given is an effort to hang on to the past in an attempt to avoid the crisis that has come.  Many changes present an unnatural development which individuals are not ready for and the harder that we resist it, the harder life is to live  in a healthy way.  At the core of idealism is a statement about how self-concept, self-esteem, and our social identity are defined.  Erickson described the life-stage developments and how at each stage of life, there is a crisis of identity— the life-stage faced  is the unnatural event and if we have not brought a scaffold with us–adaptability, experience, maturity, understanding, which provide skills to navigate into what is ahead, we will revisit the struggle over and over until the skills are developed.

Most everyone has heard of Helen Keubler Ross’s stages of grief that are so often talked about, but I do not know if we understand that denial in the grief process is very similar to  act of resistance that is experienced in change.  In one event, an unexpected development, i.e., death of a child, husband/wife, parent, or family member has married someone else an unnatural event has force circumstances to be faced that are not planned out ahead of time.  A common thread is found in all adjustment to life tragedies; an inability to accept change.  An important truth is that an inability to respond is motivated by unresolved grief  coupled with feelings which frames perception that we have of ourselves, as well as , what is happening.   An important question in moments like this is: Am I seeing this correctly, or is my response based upon a perception of life events that are distorted by the unresolved process of grief where denial is being acted out.  A  story that says, “I am afraid that I have been abandoned again so I cannot accept what has changed, so as long as I stay there, I won’t have to face the fear of not knowing who I really am.”  Obviously, the hardest person to be honest with is yourself and until you can be, the experience of life experience will supply what is believed to be true. Think about this: There is only one person that can change how you feel.  Unfortunately, people who are stuck in the feeling stage of perception that will not accept change, no amount of rational information, discussion, or evidence will phase them.  Change is a personal decision and until individuals are willing to look in the mirror of reality and gain a rational perspective of life events the struggle will go on having and feelings will shape perspective into  a picture of life that may feel real, but is it?

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December 7, 2010 · 7:14 pm

Finding a Balance in Second Marriages and Family Relationships


finding balance

What is the lived-experience of individuals who experience the loss of a spouse and then decides to remarry?  Until you have had the experience of having to reconstruct life from the ashes of what has been, you may not know what it takes to put humpty back together again.

Unfortunately, the adjustment-experience of widowed couples who remarry  is characterized by much misunderstanding, which brings to the surface feelings and struggles experienced in readjustment.  After talking with couples who have remarried at an advanced age, it is very clear that it is difficult to find balance in relationships while adjusting to life in a blended family.  The sad fact is that a contributing reason for high occurrences of divorce in second marriages relates to the tension between the marriage partners and family members that stems from difficulty in adapting to changes.  During holiday season celebrations, adjustment issues become magnified by charged emotions that are associated with memories, the importance of traditions, and expectations about what should happen.  There is little doubt that a great sense of security, as well as, well-being in relationships  comes from striking a balance between self-protection and extending grace to others through acceptance.

A general truth and disclaimer is that the mental health and state of persons involved, as well as, family systems functionality will impact all relationships– especially when stress is placed on life that distorts perceptions about what is happening.   Distorted beliefs and individual perspective is a central factor, which influences behaviors by individuals expressing protecting behaviors which is a defense mechanism demonstrating embedded beliefs about what has changed.  At the heart of strained relationships is a pronounced difference in values i.e., what each person believes is most important.  A simple way to understand this is when individuals differ about important traditions, rites, and holiday events; there is a stark difference in what people believe to be true about events.  Anger is a typical response and the form it takes is aggression, but unfortunately, in many cases it is not dealt with constructively and demonstrates passive aggressive attempts to manipulate or punish others.

What are some of the sources for anger in people who make up the extended family when a remarriage occurs?

The Fear of Abandonment and Isolation: Often people fear they will not be needed as much in a relationship or they will lose their sense of importance when the people dynamics of relationships change.  The fear felt is of being pushed aside.  Being left in a lonely feeling of limbo is one the factors in why widows and widowers become such an enormous burden for everyone after the spouse dies because they cling to existing  relationships.  Why?  Because they are alone and have lost the spousal support system, which leaves them feeling detached socially, emotionally, and psychologically.  A common result is that unhealthy attachments are formed and a result is widows/widowers become overly dependent upon other significant family members for the basic support needed.  Unfortunately, the outcome is an unhealthy relationship dynamic is created dissolving existing boundaries, which confuses roles and expectations in relationships on everyone’s part.  One thing that children and other family members may not understand is that no other person can meet the relationship need that a widow/widower has like a spouse.  Remarriage is not replacement of a former spouse or other family; it is a transition away from an unhealthy attachment, which has occurred through a time of tragedy.  A fundamental truth is that relationships must be in balance and have healthy boundaries to be effective for all.  The reason that remarriage is important to widowers/widows is that they are alone.  While everyone else has the need-meeting source of relationship with a partner in life, the surviving spouse feels empty and alone.  What others may not see is that even though family may love them very much, they cannot meet that need.  When life is out of balance, it does not work for anyone.

Unhealthy Attachments: When relationships are out of balance and boundaries are skewed by unhealthy attachment after a death occurs, parties on all sides have a fear of being abandoned.  This often presents in unhealthy relationship dynamics that triggers a chain of toxic, and many times,  destructive behaviors which can permanently alter or destroy life-long relationships. Underneath this relationship pattern is a fear that family members who have become accustomed to having 100% of the Mother or Father’s attention, suddenly has to adjust to an unwanted change.  What is not accepted is the social changes that death has brought into a system of relationships.  Resistance to change is a component of the grief process, which has not been accepted nor addressed.  It may be that family members accept that death has come to someone very important, but there has not been acceptance of what this means to the lived-experience of relationships, as well as future development as a family –a social unit.  Personal identity that defines the social world people live in is forever changed, as well as, all future developments when death occurs.  A normal response from denial is to try to hang on to the past to try to control something we do not understand i.e., something that has not been fully accepted.  When security in relationships faces the threat of change, a natural response is anxiety that creates a felt-need to control life in efforts to dispel a perceived feeling of loss of control.

Psychosocial Disruptions:  There is no doubt by theorists that “abandonment” issues are at the heart of many mental health problems.  Most parents learn the importance of proper attachment relationships when raising small children.  However, that sad fact reveals it is not clearly understood how attachment is related to perceived identity issues, as well as, adjusting to changing roles and expectations in a family system resulting from remarriage.  A fact not understood is that social identity and feelings of security are instantly impacted as life-developments like death, divorce, and remarriage occur.  These developmental changes that are a natural part of the flow of life take place and should be expected.  Consequently, when there is a closed family system that includes mental health issues i.e., unresolved or mismanaged, a potential result that must be anticipated is psychosocial disruption of a family system resulting in relationship dysfunction.  At the core of disruption is fear of rejection, isolation, and loss of emotional support connected to security felt from the comfortable ideas of what life was in the past.  The critical issue to understand is how individuals negotiate change in the present and what a family system does in response to changes in life, roles, identity, and relationship challenges in a family system.

Unhealthy and Uninformed Choices Motivated by Fear of Loss: Life is about choices and when a behavior is chosen, the outcome is chosen.  In families, more thought needs to be given to consequences, of even a solitary action in a process of change.  When fear drives insecurities in the direction of destructive choices, a good question to ponder is if people understand the broad effect that behaviors have upon family, friends, and children. When a family member behaves badly after someone looses a spouse, is divorced, or remarries; is there awareness that the response to the fear of change, the loss of control, and unresolved grief is affecting every area and all relationships in life.  The simple truth is that selfish choices result in heartache for everyone.  A point to consider about choices, behavior, and outcome is that if you are in this boat, you are creating the world you live in every day by the choices that you are making.

Some advice to consider is that if you are in a family that is disabled by the fear of changes examine your fears to see if they are even rational; then face them.  If a relationship is that important to you, the way to make it better is not to live captive to fear.  Christmas is the season that is approaching and is an ideal time to ask God to bring peace to your family, your relationships, and your experiences. Obviously, staying angry is your choice and ultimately will only widen the gap between you and the relationship you want.  All you have to do is to make the right choice to get the right response.  Relationships are not about winning or about control, they are about loving relationships with healthy boundaries that make life effective.  When people can accept the fact that the dynamics of relationships have changed, through a divorce, death, or remarriage; then there is the potential that fear will be dispelled, change can be managed and relationships can develop into healthy outcomes.

There is a balance between self-protection and extending ourselves in developing relationships.  If living in the grip of your fears is not working for you, then maybe you should try a different approach.  You may be surprised that your fears are false and when you begin to build instead of tear down, felt-needs for relationship and security may be resolved very quickly.

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August 20, 2010 · 4:21 pm

How Abuse Defines Self-Concept


Silhouette of a woman in a cave looking at her...

What Life Looks Like After Being Abused

How to Understand Abusive Relationships

No one plans to be in an abusive relationship, but, unfortunately many people find themselves growing up or living in or victimized by abusive people.  A relevant fact that is well supported by studies is that individuals who were verbally abused, emotionally, physically, or sexually by people who victimize them during the developmental process of childhood are at risk for finding themselves in the role of an abuser as an adult.  What needs to understood about the cycle of abuse is that abusive people define, destroy, and distort what normality looks like in life.  Therefore, instead of developing normal pathways of experience that provides a healthy baseline of self concept, self- esteem, and healthy patterns of social identification in relation to others your experiences, emotions, and judgement becomes skewed, distorted, and blurred by victimization that confuses how one sees themselves and predicts behavior that will be tainted and skewed by the lived-experience of life.

As a result children and adults who are abused in life may not know how to set standards –boundaries and develop a healthy view of  self, others, life experiences and balance feelings and perceptions about what is really happening in life.  Consequently, the controlling and defining perception created by abusive life events may feel familiar when similar experiences occur in later life because abusive experience enculturates life with distorted values and expectations.

For many people, normal can become the abnormal or even comfortable, while at the same time being very destructive to any healthy view of self.  Individuals who are abused come to expect it and sometimes cannot find a feeling of normalcy because an expectation of self and how “the self” relates to others in the social world has been defined by the expectation that abuse is normal.  As a result, many people who are abused find themselves drawn to abusers, like a moth to a flame and experience a repeated cycle of abuse throughout life.

Powerlessness Hurt, Anger, and Confused Feelings from Abuse Distorts Self Understanding.

The abused person often struggles with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, anger, and guilt about what has happened to them.  Guilt internalized sends a message to the abused that they are to blame, they are at fault, which scars understanding of personal value.  Ironically, abusers tend to struggle with the same feelings –worthlessness, and devaluation that stems from distorted self perception.  In addition,  abusers are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive conditions where they learn to be abusive as a method to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt , fear, and anger.

Consequently, abusers are drawn to others who see themselves as helpless, appear to be naive, a victim, or who do not have a strong sense of identity and self image. The benefit to the abuser is that identification of the “Mark” allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, which take the focus off dealing with their own feelings, and self-perceptions.  Therefore, emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless and believe that no one else could want them, which ties them and their self worth to the abuser and the abuse. Unfortunately, many people remain locked in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go and no one else would want them.  An ultimate fear for the abuse is being all alone.

Relationships Have Predictable and Systematic Patterns which Govern How Behaviors Occur.

All human behaviors have have underlying response drivers that work in concert within a social, cultural system in a family unit.  Developing a reflective process of thinking about behavior, triggers, responses, and outcome will tell us a lot about why things work the way they do with others.  A beginning step is in understanding the pattern of your own relationships, especially those with family members and other significant people, is a first step toward change.   Many people who have been abused in life will have distinguishable patterns of the kind of people that they are drawn to, but fail to understand why they continually wind up with abusive partners and unhealthy functioning in relationships.  As a result, a lack of clarity about who you are in relationship to significant others may manifest itself in different ways.  For example, “switch hitting” is when you may act as an “abuser” in some situations and as a “recipient”of abuse in others.

Reflection may lead you may discover that there is a tendency for you to be abused in your romantic relationships, allowing your partners to define and control you.  While at the same time, in friendships, you may play the role of abuser by manipulating, trying to use guilt to create conformity through controlling behaviors while professing that you are only trying to be a  “help”. Consequently, the process of entering into a reflective way of knowing yourself and understanding your past can prevent abuse from being recreated in your life experience.

Self Concept is a Predictor of How the Abused Behave Toward Themselves: Are You Abusive to Yourself?

Often we allow people into our lives that treat badly because we expect to be treated badly.  The unfortunate truth is that if we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who, like a mirror,  reflect this image back to us.  It is true that if we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly?  If you are an abuser or a recipient of abuse, you may want to consider how you think about yourself and treat yourself. In your private thoughts, what sort of things characterize your inner dialogue?  Do thoughts such as “I’m stupid” or “I never do anything right” dominate your thinking?  The art of Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.

Emotional Abuse May be as Simple as Having Your Needs Denied

One way of looking at emotional abuse is being denied the thing you need when you need it the most. John Bradshaw says something similar to this. He said, “we were most shamed at the times when we were most in need.”

Emotional Abuse Invalidates, Rejects, Ignores, Mocks, Teases, Judges, or Diminishes Someone’s Feelings as Unimportant.     

Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1)  An emotionally sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions.  He/she  fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain –one of nature’s most basic survival tools.

To adapt to this unhealthy environment, the working relationship between thoughts and feelings becomes twisted.   The emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired when there is constant invalidation.  The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult creating psychosocial or personality problems.  In fact, one definition of the so-called “borderline personality disorder” is “the normal response of a sensitive person to an invalidating environment” (2)  Psychiatrist R.D. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them.  He found that when one’s feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even they are perfectly mentally healthy which is the pattern of a Borderlines relationships toward their unwitting victims who resist their control.

Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems.   He writes “… a history of emotional invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses).  Further, emotional inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.)  Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but that we are fundamentally abnormal.  This implies that there is something wrong with us because we aren’t like everyone else; we are strange; we are different; we are weird.

None of this feels good, and all of it damages us in our development of pro-social feelings and relationships.  The more different from the “mass norm” a person is — the more intelligent or more sensitive; the more he/she is likely to be invalidated by abusive behavior directed toward what is seen as different.   When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated over and over and we are attacked at the deepest level of our personhood creativity is stifled, problem solving ability is diminished and self concept is damaged.  What may not be understood in this abuse is that our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities and denial of the feelings is a repudiation of personhood.  What should be clearly understood is that psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse.  It kills confidence, creativity and individuality.

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July 26, 2010 · 4:21 pm

Attention Seeking Behaviors –What is the Real Issue?


Attention seeking......

Have you ever noticed that some people are so extreme and just so dramatic about what happens to them.  Sometimes, I wonder what is the real point of the drama, or what is the real issue? Some people just explain away the behavior describing the drama by saying it is just extroversion and just a little eccentric behavior. Sometimes people rationalize the behavior describing the person as someone who is just a very emotional, erratic person and dismiss what is happening and minimize the effect of what is taking place.  On the other hand, there are times when we should not ignore what is happening and pay attention. 

Obviously, there is an important connection between the drama and the real issue that a person may acting out in response to in order to gain attention. For instance, the behavior can be an indicator of  a person who feels  neglected, abandoned emotionally, or extremely frustrated and is trying to resolve an internal feeling of crisis. Therefore, a factor that needs to be understood is that an  apparent contributor to the behavior is a deeply held felt need within the individual. As a result, the person who is behaving in a way that draws attention to their self  is sending out the clear message that they want you to pay particular attention to them. Consequently, the behavior that you are witnessing  is the unspoken behavior cue acted out to elicit a response from you through behaving in a peculiar or dramatic way.

An important that question needs to be asked about the behavior, which will assist understanding, centers in motivation. So, think about this question: what is the underlying  issue motivating attention seeking behavior and what is the real issue? Not all attention seeking behavior is related to a pathology connected to mental illness.  This type of behavior may simply indicate relationship issues, which need to be addressed or social systems functionality issues in how people relate attached to a particular problem.  With that said, what also must be considered is that attention seeking behavior is at the core of many mental health disorders and may indicate a need for further diagnosis to be performed by a professional therapist when behavior suggest that the actions of the attentions seeker are beyond the bounds of normal expectations.

In the field of study about mental disorders this type of behavior is commonly associated with diagnosis’ such as, Borderline Personality, Narcissistic Personality, Munchausen’s Syndrome, and other mental illnesses listed in the DSM IV. Therefore, there are times when attention seeking behavior is extreme enough to merit further consideration as an indicator of a personality disorder associated with mental illness.

What can be made of attention seeking behavior and when is  it extreme?

When attention seekers exploit the suffering of others to gain attention for themselves, or they will exploit their own suffering, or alleged suffering in extreme forms, a diagnosis such as in Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy describes the attention-seeker as an individual who will deliberately cause suffering to others as a means of gaining attention by playing the a part of one suffering, like an actor in a drama.

The sufferer: This performance might include feigning or exaggerating illness, playing on an injury, or perhaps causing or inviting injury, in extreme cases going as far as losing a limb. Severe cases may meet the diagnostic criteria for Munchausen’s Syndrome (also known as Factitious Disorder). The illness or injury becomes a vehicle for gaining sympathy and thus attention. The attention-seeker excels at manipulating people through pinging their emotions, especially through the use of guilt. For most people, it is very difficult not to feel sorry for someone who relates a plausible tale of suffering in a sob story or “poor me” drama.

The savior: In attention-seeking personality disorders like Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy (MSBP, also known as Factitious Disorder by Proxy) the person, usually female, creates opportunities to be center of attention by intentionally causing harm to others and then being their savior or by saving their life. The goal is to present themselves as being such a caring and compassionate person. Consequently, few people realise the injury was deliberate and are fooled by the dramatic presentation of the savior. The MSBP mother or nurse may kill several babies before suspicions are aroused by onlookers. Another important observation is that when the MSBP is not in savior mode, they may be resentful, perhaps even contemptuous of the person or persons being saved.

The rescuer: This is particularly common in family situations. This person is the one who will dash in and “rescue” people whenever the moment is opportune for the benefit of the rescuer to act out by rescuing others. In fact, the rescuer gains primary gratification from basking in the glory of  humanitarian actions performed. A characteristic of this individual is the tendency to prey on any person suffering misfortune, infirmity, illness, injury, or anyone who has a vulnerability. As a result, the act of rescue and the opportunities for gaining attention can be enhanced if others are excluded from the act of rescue.  This strategy helps the rescuer to create a dependency relationship between the rescuer and rescued, which can be exploited for further acts of rescue (and attention) later. Consequently, when not in rescue mode, the rescuer may be resentful and perhaps even contemptuous of the person being rescued.

The organizer: He/she may present through behavior suggesting that they are the one in charge.  A particular trait is that they are the one organizing everything, i.e., the one who is reliable and dependable, or the one people can always turn to in a crisis to make things happen. However for this person, the objective is not to help people (this is only a means to an end), but to always be the center of attention.

The manipulator: He/she may exploit family relationships by manipulating others with guilt and distorting perceptions by spinning others reality to match theirs. Although they may not harm people physically, this individual causes everyone to suffer emotional injury. Vulnerable family members are favorite targets. A common attention-seeking ploy is to claim they are being persecuted, victimized, excluded, isolated or ignored by another family member or group, perhaps insisting they are the target of a campaign of exclusion or harassment.

The mind-poisoner: He/she is adept at poisoning peoples’ minds by manipulating their perceptions of others, especially against the current target of their anger.  The method is spinning and creating an altered perception of reality through innuendo and planting seeds of doubt, but never being direct in order to cover any trail of evidence that can be traced back to them.

The drama queen: Every single incident or opportunity, no matter how insignificant, is exploited, exaggerated, and if necessary; distorted to become an event of dramatic magnitude to draw attention to their plight in life in order to gain sympathy and support needed to affirm the diminished ego, as well as, an absence of a appropriate sense of self. Everything and every experience is elevated to crisis proportions and played out as the greatest tragedy. Histrionics (deliberate display of emotion for effect) may be present where the person feels he/she is not the center of attention, but should be. With the opposite sex, inappropriate flirtatious behavior may also be present to draw attention and support to her cause of the moment.

The busy bee: This individual is the busiest person in the world, if their constant retelling of her life is to be believed. Every day events, which are regarded as normal, by most people take on epic proportions.  This behavior is acted out in a way that invites everyone to simultaneously admire and commiserate with this oh-so-busy person who never has a spare moment because they are so busy. This person, according to them, never has time to sit down, etc. However, while being so very busy, they are never too busy to tell you how busy they are or remind you what a sacrifice has been made –this person is a self proclaimed suffering saint.

The feigner: When this person is called to account or outwitted, the person instinctively uses the denial –counterattack by feigning victimization,  as a strategy to manipulate everyone present.  The performance is especially targeted toward bystanders and those in authority to demonstrate innocence in portraying sainthood while at the same time projecting their bad behavior upon the person who outwitted her. One apparent behavior believed to create results for this person is by feigning victimization and to burst into tears because most people’s instinct is to feel sorry for them, to put their arm round them or offer them a tissue. This person is a professional because they know there is nothing more effective than real tears.  Indeed as actresses know, it’s possible to turn these on at will in a performance to create effect. As a result, feigners are adept at using crocodile tears when they are called for in a moment of manipulation.  This expertise comes from years of practice. Therefore, attention-seekers often give an Oscar-winning performance in this respect to gain sympathy. A particular application of this behavior is see when feigning victimhood is used as a favorite tactic of bullies and harassers to evade accountability and sanction. For the bully-abuser, when accused of bullying and harassment, the person immediately turns on the water works and claims they are the one being bullied or harassed.  This is true even though there’s been no prior mention of being bullied or harassed. As a result, the fact that this claim appears only after and in response to abusive-bully is called to account for behavior reveals who they really are. A commonly known fact is that mature adults do not burst into tears when held accountable for their actions without good cause.

Unfortunately in daily relationships, managing this kind of behavior is increasingly difficult when we are tangled in the web of relationship.  This is especially true of those we are close to because the behavior has become a common part of life, behavior, thinking, and feeling. However, when it is apparent that there is a disconnect in functional relationships, what can we do?  One response is to act intentionally and responsibly. Next, get help-advise from someone with an objective view point of view who can be give perspective to what is occurring. Then, establish clear boundaries in relationships and understand that this behavior is not caused by you and you cannot fix it. In dysfunctional relationships, it is common to get trapped in a dependent relationships of  which results in a feeling of helplessness in a situation that seems impossible to remedy.

Obviously, not all attention seeking behavior rises to the level of a diagnosable metal illness or personality disorder. However, there are times that life becomes very frustrating by a lack of understanding about where the behavior is coming from exactly.  The goal is not to diagnose, but to equip our relationships with understanding that people can be very frustrated when they are not getting the attention they think they deserve.  In addition, attention seekers can disrupt, divert, and even destroy relationships in life when their are not clear ways of understanding where behavior comes from and how to cope with the attention seeking behaviors of those withh a patholgy of mental disorders.


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