Category Archives: Motivation

March 9, 2013 · 6:48 pm

Boundaries: If Your an Enabler, Don’t Cry When You Get Bit.


Aesop’s Fables records a story called the, “The Farmer and the Snake” that illustrates why boundaries are important to understand how to live life without rescuing people who may no be capable of rescue.

ONE WINTER a Farmer found a Snake stiff and frozen with cold. He had compassion on it, and taking it up, placed it in his bosom. The Snake was quickly revived by the warmth, and resuming its natural instincts, bit its benefactor, inflicting on him a mortal wound. “Oh,” cried the Farmer with his last breath, “I am rightly served for pitying a scoundrel.”

The greatest kindness will not bind the ungrateful [ self focused individuals].

A lesson to be learned here is that creating boundaries in life to regulate relationships and behaviors is a way to manage how much danger, pain, and dysfunction that you are going to experience in life.  We have boundaries at work, in business, on the highway, and even in the park, but somehow people believe that in relationships  everyone will always make the right decisions without clarifying the terms of relationship.

How Do We Get Into No-Win Situations Becoming an Enabler?

It may be hard to face, but enabling says something about the enabler that needs to be understood. People who are enablers think they are helping someone else when in reality they are creating a disability support system. It is magical thinking — a way of romanticizing life with the idealism that that denies the reality reality of  destructive patterns of behavior, irresponsibility, guilt, pain etc. The enabling parent, husband, wife-believes that somehow through these vicarious acts of rescuing and enabling that it will magically make it better.  It is like when a mother picks up her child and kisses the owee’ and magically all the pain disappears. It is a thinking problem that gets us into no-win situations.  In the core thought processes of the enabler there is a fundamental belief that this kind of thing happens to other people, but not to us– I am not like that–  believe the best about people, my family could not do anything like that. This attitude –thinking pattern– creates naivete’ about relationships that exposes your backside to the sharp teeth of the dog named fate –and when it happens, it is painful.

What Do Dogs Do in an Ideal World?

Like snakes ,when dogs are not kept on a leash and when there is not a understanding of how relationships will occur with individuals to regulate what can occur, it is an opportunity for disaster to happen naturally.  — and they do.  The problem with enablers is that they don’t believe ,snakes bite that dogs bark or pee on the corner of the sofa.  After all, they say, “my dog went to obedience school and knows better, he is a dog of high breeding.”  In an ideal world where people are perfectly balanced and have no dysfunction, family system problems, unresolved conflicts, or emotional baggage, people do not need to be on a leash, but we all know that snakes and dogs will always be true to their nature, no matter how pretty they are –too bad that life does not occur in a ideal world.

Translated by George Fyler Townsend. Aesop’s Fables (p. 19). Amazon Digital Services, Inc.

Related Articles

Leave a Comment

Filed under Abuse, Attitude, Happiness, Index, Influence, Leadership, Mental Health Issues, Motivation, Perception, Relationships

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

May 23, 2012 · 1:09 am

So, Why Do People Really Go To Church?


 

Have you ever been in one of those churches that has convulsions every two or three years and found yourself wondering why people really go to church there?  Well do not feel like you are alone; many people are wondering the same thing.  In fact they may wonder why you still go there.  After growing up as a PK and serving for almost 40 years as a pastor, I have come to understand that when people are hurt, manipulated, and mistreated; they do not want to go to church.  If you have ever wondered what motivates people to attend church and stay in a church,  take it from someone with a lot of time in the trenches of church life, the reasons why people go to church are numerous, and sometimes the reasons are bizarre and not very logical, little alone spiritual.

The Simple Answer is that it is Sociology and Culture

Elmer Towns said once that when people go to church that they look for someone who is like them and if they cannot find someone to connect with like them, they will go somewhere else.  For instance, if you live in the South or parts of the Midwest, social standing, or social identification might be determined by which church you attend.  Think about it for a minute, look around yourself the next time you go to church and ask yourself the question:  What kind of people go to this church?

Guess What that Tells You? 

The people that you see are the kind of people that your church is going to attract.  Look around and what you will see is that your church has characteristics that are common to the people that are there.  If you have  ever wondered why disorganized, disheveled churches attract people with a lack of spiritual discipline or people who value disorder as if it were a spiritual gift, remember people reflect their personal values in their religious lives and how they value what is important in the life of a church.  Theorist’s call it the homogenous principle: like kind attracts like kind.  As a result, when you have an unruly member who terrorizes people with their dysfunction, it says as much about us as it does about them.  The simple answer is that sociology and culture drive the ability of a church to reach people. A fact that is very true is that if you want the church you are  at to be larger, better, something different than it is, it must experience a cultural, sociological, and value change to reach people that are different.

Family Connection Drives the Church Bus

For some people, their children also bring them back to church.  Sometimes people feel the awesome responsibility of molding and shaping young lives to be happy and productive for the future, and sense almost instinctively that those things require faith and knowledge of God.  We know they will not develop a strong moral core from the society around them.  It did not work for us, did it?  And so we bring them to God’s house, and come along with them, sometimes for the first time since our own childhood.  And as our children learn about Jesus, we experience a wonderful renewal of our faith.

Friendship Drives the Fellowship Wagon

Friendship brings us to church, too.  Sometimes we are invited by friends; then, come with them.  Nevertheless, so often it is the desire for friends –good friends, caring friends, friends who share our values –that brings us to church in hope.  God knows, loneliness can eat at our sense of well-being.  Being new in a community often accentuates that longing to love and be loved.  In addition, this is as it should be.  God means for the church to be a place to build long-term caring relationships, to be a community in every sense of that word.

Another Answer is that it is Material or Social Networking

For many people going to church is the main social event of their life.  It is where their family congregates and decides how spirituality will be expressed.  Think about this: How about joining a large church to network for your business?  It does happen.  However, before you judge too harshly, consider that when you’re looking for a future husband or a wife, networking in a church isn’t a bad place to start — at least you’re likely to find people with the same value system.  Many people go to church to find a wife, date their girlfriend, spend time with their friends, and make business contacts.  Look around the average church and ask yourself if the people are there because of the deep conviction about the theology of the church, or are they there for some other reason.  Unfortunately, the church has become more about the material and social than it has about having a servant’s heart to worship God through servanthood.

What About Fear and Guilt as Motivators?

Fear or Guilt? Unfortunately, many people who go to church, especially in fundamental churches are plagued by fear of what might happen if they don’t go and sometimes guilt about what is wrong in life.  I have often said that guilt tends to make people hide –In a crowd, a church, beneath some leaves to serve as a cover for what has happened in their lives.  We hear guilt from the pulpits, guilt leads to fear and fear to conformity to appear to be religious.  People attend for the most human of reasons. Family history has its place. Children of Catholics are most often Catholic, in orientation at least. Habit and duty figure, too. However, let me talk for a moment about what I see most.

Hurt, Pain, and a Search for Answers

Hurt is way up there on the list.  At times, we find ourselves reeling from some of the most painful wounds imaginable.  Estrangement of a spouse.  Loss of a loved one to death, loss of a family, loss of a job, loss of innocence, loss of health, loss of hope.  We are on the ropes; we are down for the count.  It’s only natural to seek healing in God, and it’s amazing how God uses some of his dear people to be channels of God’s healing, hope-filled, non-judgmental love.  I can’t begin to count the times I’ve seen people’s hurts healed within the context of a healthy congregation.

Discipleship and Personal Growth

For many people, personal growth is a factor in regular church attendance.  Gradually people allow the Holy Spirit to clear the smokescreens and allow God to bring to the surface the things we need to face.  Men sometimes decide to grow up and get past when once-upon-a-time they saw a hypocrite in church and refused to commit.  People move beyond resentments at having to attend church as a child.  God allows us to learn about ourselves as we grow past childish rebellions, we grow up, and we are freed once again to include God in our personal exploration.

The Search for Significance and Meaning

For many people, especially men over 40, the need for significance is a strong motivator in why we go to church.  Something inside of us wants to make a difference, to do something meaningful, lasting, to be part of a cause bigger than ourselves.  Church is a perfect context for this type of fulfillment, since, at their best churches change communities for good –one person at a time.  Unbelievably, there are people who are asking, “What do I have to give here?” rather than just “What can I get?“

Worship and Intimacy through Knowing God

Believe it or not people attend church in order to come to know God, to honor him through worship and by their very presence in his house.  The French philosopher Blaise Pascal put it succinctly, “There’s a God-shaped vacuum in every man that only God can fill.”  You and I have felt that emptiness.  We’ve wondered at times if we’ve lost forever that most important link of faith that shapes who we are and who we can become.  People come to church because they are searching, and they find they can search for God in this context better than they can in other places.

 ”Our hearts are restless,” said Augustine, “until we find our rest in You.”

 Some motives are better, some worse, but in one sense it doesn’t matter much what is your motivation. What matters is the process that begins when we enter a relationship with Jesus Christ an allow the Holy Spirit to direct our lives.

Related articles

7 Comments

Filed under Church Culture, Happiness, Index, Leadership, Motivation, Perception, Postmodernism, Relationships, Sociology, Spiritual Development, Spirituality, The Soul

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

May 21, 2012 · 7:29 pm

An Effective Quiet Time With God


Morning Quiet Time

MAKE TIME FOR GOD

If you are too busy to be alone with the Lord, you are too busy.  Food gives your body the sustenance it needs and  the soul food that you devour during your quiet time gives you supernatural strength.  Therefore, make the time to tap into God‘s power by making time for God

The elements of an effective quiet time with God:

1. Silence.  Choose a time of day when you can be alone with no distractions.  Set aside a definite hour for your quiet time, and make a commitment to stick to your daily schedule of prayer and meditation.  Your quiet time may come late at night, or you may have to set your alarm clock and get up an hour earlier each day.  Do whatever works best for you, so that you can give God your best – Silence will soon become a pleasant habit you look forward to each day.

2. Situate.  Choose a place in your home to be your prayer place.  It could be a walk-in closet, your kitchen table, or the living room.  Go to the same place every day and put yourself in a place where you can be alone with God.

3. Study.  The purpose of quiet time is to get to know God and His plan for your life.  As a result, you cannot get to know Him unless you are regularly receiving from His Word.  Find the Bible translation that is right for you, and do not be caught up in the “right way” to read (Genesis to Revelation, or random passages).

4. Honor.  Give God the glory He deserves.  In your quiet time, you are before the throne of the great I Am. Praise Him and glorify His name as the Spirit leads in prayer, song, or recitation of Bible verses, as you give honor to God.

5. Humble.  Humbly seek God’s face.  Bring all of your cares to Him for His answers and direction.  Speak to God as you would to a loving father. Then, lay out your concerns.  You do not need to clean yourself up to go to Jesus.  He accepts you just as you are.

6. Heed.  After you have poured out your concerns to God, be quiet and listen to that small inner voice.  Since God is not the author of confusion, He will give you positive direction.  Look for them as He speaks.

7. Exclaim.  A Quiet time is a time of encouragement and rejuvenation.  As you experience a greater closeness to God, and an answer to your prayers, share what you have learned about from God by sharing God’s Word with others.

Related articles

3 Comments

Filed under Attitude, Index, Leadership, Motivation, Spiritual Development

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

August 12, 2011 · 3:32 pm

Happiness: Guilt, Criticism, and Projection


Happiness: Guilt, Criticism, and Projection

An interesting thing that I have noticed about people who feel guilty is that they are not very happy and that they invest a huge amount of energy trying to hide– cover up painful or guilty experiences from being known.  Quite often, all of the efforts to hide something– not apparent on the surface has the opposite effect.  In stead of covering up guilt, it is like wearing a badge that says, “I am guilty”.  It does not take a psychologist to figure out that a person who engages in constant criticism of others is a demonstrating a behavior cue that points to unresolved guilt.  Often, the person who is constantly calling attention, implying, suggesting others weaknesses or faults may be shining a light upon something that obviously is wrong and unresolved in the accuser.

Good Guilt v. Bad Guilt

Developmentally, guilt is an emotional warning sign that most people learn during normal childhood social development.  Guilt’s purpose is to let us know when we have done something wrong—to keep life balanced.  Good guilt operates to help us develop a better understanding about bad choice and danger in our personal behavior.  Therefore healthy expressions of guilt prompts a person examine and to re-examine behavior to prevent making the same mistake twice.  Indeed, an examination of the pathology of unresolved guilt reveals negative perceptions of what others do that triggers distorted schemas, paralyzing emotions, and distorted reactions connected to a distorted sense of self that acts like a mirror reflecting what is not seen by others and known by the accuser.  Unfortunately, misunderstood and unresolved guilt leads to depression, anxiety, and frustration that is projected on someone else rather than becoming a positive force toward change or improvement.  Guilt is normally a negative focus coming from a perception of self that moralizes what others are doing and says, “I am a bad person.  I cannot bear myself.  I am unworthy.”

 

Internalized Guilt brings Externalized Behavior

Often I have said that “the things that we notice and hate about others and that we criticize so passionately, is connected to what we hate about ourselves.  Carl Jung said, “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness’s of other people” Unfortunately, the guilt ridden accuser does not understand that criticism is a window into their own darkness.  Often, behavior is hidden so well beneath misdirected concern shared as a concern with confidants, family, friends that infers perceived wrongdoing.  What is really happening is that the guilty accuser uses inference to project their own secretive guilty behaviors on their mirror.  Unfortunately, many of the things that people feel so deeply and are so offensive –we speak so loudly, passionately, so convincingly about point back to self-perception embedded within the neurotic guilt.  Indeed, the ability of guilt to subconsciously influence how perceptions, beliefs, and beliefs about what is seen should not be underestimated, nor ignored.  For instance, in a perfect world of a developing infant, doing, something “bad” is equivalent to murdering all that is good.  As the child develops with a lived-experience of shame, performance based acceptance, and guilt ridden feelings, the inability to dispel the gnawing sense of guilt results in the child owning misunderstood feelings about guilt and he/she enters an “adult– normal society.”  In the adult world, the normal is distorted by the abnormal thinking from development filtered by a perception of life that skewed by feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, and projection.  What happens: the guilt that has been internalized, misunderstood, and unresolved is externalized in projecting behavior toward others when something is seen that feels like the internalized guilt. Then, undigested guilt triggers the guilt-projection system that regurgitates what feels like concern, looks like righteousness, demonstrating rescuing behavior upon others, while calling attention to what is hidden beneath the surface– unresolved guilt that wants to be discovered.

Psychological ProjectionCriticism and Conversations with Guilty People

When I listen to people’s conversations, it sounds like there is something not being said, but is implied.  Quite often it is what is not being said that is more important than what is being said.  For instance, when person helps someone with a situation and someone else gives the pretense of being helpful and recurrent suggestions come up about another person’s faults or problems or even a constant disdain for a particular act, at is the real issue in the conversation?  On the one hand, it may be a person who simply is genuinely concerned, but on the other hand it may be a semantically expressed language cue it that says the person talking is struggling with and projecting internalized guilt.   It makes me wonder if the concerned person really feels guilty about their own internal struggle or particular behavior that no one knows about.   While serving as a pastor, I have had those who felt duty bound to inform me about how certain people are living and taking advantage of their leadership positions and using others.  What is common to all of these conversations is that they are people who represent themselves as crusaders of right, justice, and truth is that they are guilt-ridden people who try to guilt others into conformity and want someone to take up their cause.  Personally, I think about this activity as the subtle work of Satan who is guilty and accuses others of what he is guilty of.  In the book of Revelation Satan is depicted as the one who slanders the innocent and in reality is the one who is guilty.  Therefore, a critical question about this kind of accusation and speculation is motivation.  At this point, a question important to ask is what lies beneath suspicion and why this behavior is happening at this moment?  It may be that there is really a problem that needs to be addressed, but what is the real problem? Consequently, the essential question is why do some people see things that are really not there and act on beliefs that have no substance, evidence, or possess any real real desire to help?  One answer may be that some people have a need to rescue others from what they believe is “bad behavior” because there is strongly embedded guilt that says how bad a person actually feels about self and is motivating criticism, i.e., –the person sees their own failure in the acts of others.  The effort to direct attention to someone else may simply be transference:  an effort to vicariously fix something that feels very wrong in their own life by self incriminating projection of guilt on others. … Neurotic Guilt.

Why does one person believe they are doing right by making someone else guilty– warning, judging, evaluating, devaluing, and invalidating the other persons?

The Voice of Guilt is Saying What?

When a person engages in this kind of destructive inference, crusading to gain support from others, what is the core issue in the accusation? According to Sigmund Freud, it may be projection, which is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one “projects” one’s own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings onto someone else.  Projection is one of the defense mechanisms identified by Freud that is used when someone feels threatened or feels afraid of their own impulses–, so the accuser attributes these impulses to someone else.  What is apparent among people, who make it their life’s mission to constantly criticize without sound reasoning and responsible approaches to relationships with others, is that the critic has an unresolved problem.  It is guilt– the feeling– that comes to the surface when something witnessed in others –a trigger activates  recognition of a feeling associated with a past behavior — “a been there done that experience.”  An important revelation  about constant accusing  is that recurring critical activity may be an open confession of unresolved feelings of guilt and self-esteem issues that are being attributed to someone else.

The Blame Game and What is Really Being Said

Throughout the history of the human race it is well documented that people have been struggling with guilt while denying responsibility.  The Bible records the story of creation when, Adam and Eve sinned; then, made leaves to cover up while knowing what they had done wrong.  Obviously, they did not want to take responsibility for what had happened. Therefore, the response of Eve was to pass the blame on, “it is the serpent that caused the evil act. “  The response of Adam was that it is the woman that you gave me Lord.  Guilt makes people project cover up because they are ashamed and understand that something is wrong and needs fixed.  Guilt makes people accuse because drawing attention to others behavior deflects attention away from the self –the guilty party.  Also, the fear of being exposed motivates people to project judgment for wrong doing upon someone else. Projecting guilt and packaging it in  criticism is a way of verbalizing how deeply perceptions of right and wrong— good and bad affects feelings of personal well being and personal security of the acuser.    Something to think about is that as long as attention is focused on what is wrong, what is being hidden, energy cannot be focused upon what is possible or what can make life effective, nor can you be happy.   Chaplain Murrill 04/27/2012

Related articles

1 Comment

Filed under Abuse, Attitude, Communication, Happiness, Index, Influence, Memory, Mental Health Issues, Motivation, Perception, Relationships, Sociology, Spiritual Development

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

May 7, 2011 · 11:12 pm

Hope as the Pathway and Agency for Success in Any Venture


Hope is What We Express About Life That is a Bridge To The Future

The ability to express hope through challenging circumstances is an essential element to create success in the ventures of life.  Expressing hope is the act of building a bridge that over circumstances–opposition paving a way to desirable outcome in the future.  Almost everyone is concerned about effectiveness– how to find success in life that creates the momentum to get where we want to arrive. many available studies support the assumption that hope is a key component that distinguishes how well an individual navigates through challenges. Therefore, the influence of hope upon life can be measured in qualitative terms that relate to physical health, higher academic functioning, interpersonal functioning, athletic performance, psychosocial adjustment, capacity for self-regulation, and superior ability to face and overcome obstacles.  On the other hand a lack of hope can be connected to individuals being easily confused by obstacles, avoidant, ineffectiveness and the absence of  heartiness through life challenges. When factors are considered about why some people succeed and why others do not, there may be many factors contributing to success, but the single mitigating factor that empowers success– even when other deficiencies exist– is the presence of hope.

An effort to define hope might provide some insight about what it is, what it does, and how it is expressed. Some common definitions of hope are to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment, or to have confidence; trust, to look forward to with confidence or expectation. In life, we hope that our children will be successful, the sun will shine, and that everything will always work out. The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God‘s help.  The idea of hope in general terms is an expectation that motivates life in the present with a belief that the future hold possibility that can be achieved.   Hope is a way of expressing life that builds a bridge to the future.

In the Christian approach to hope a Biblical definition of hope is “confident expectation.”  Hope is a firm assurance regarding things that are unclear and unknown (Romans 8:24-25; Hebrews 11:1,7).  Christians believe that hope in the present and in the future is a confident expectation that is based in essential beliefs about God and His oversight, involvement, and control over what happens in life.  For Christians, who understand the basis of their beliefs,  hope is an essential ingredient in the life expressed upward toward God and outward toward goals (Proverbs 23:18) . In times of distress, when faced with despair and loss, there are situations where life loses its essential meaning  and zest (Lamentations 3:18, Job 7:6). When faced with death and times when  there is no apparent hope (Isaiah 38:18, Job 17:15), Christian hope supplies a way of organizing belief into confident expectation that those who put their hope in God will receive assistance(Psalm 28:7).  Therefore, Christians believe, and will not be perplexed, put to shame in their hope (Isaiah 49:23), and will be vindicated as they place hopeful expectation in God.  As a result,  hope and belief is a general attitude of confidence in God’s protection– help (Jeremiah 29:11).  Therefore, hope frees Christians from fear and anxiety (Psalm 46:2-3).  Christian hope is based upon beliefs and assumptions about, God, good and evil, life, eternity and life in the present.  Hope provides momentum to live with expectation that God is guiding what is happening to a positive outcome.

One issue of interest is how hope energizes and infuses life with momentum to move ahead. Hope provides a clear way that can reduce the power of obstacles to disable supplying an attitude that enables reaching forward with a belief that success is attainable.  As a result, attention is drawn to how hope can be increased in how an individual approaches life.  Is there a road to happiness and a set point that can be achieved that happiness can be measured, believed to be normative as a maxim?  An equally important issue to understand is that a state of happiness is a subjective condition.  If someone asked you to describe happiness what would the story contain for you?

Research has shown that automatic assumptions of happiness are often incorrect.  Often hope and happiness are associated with feeling good about what is occurring.  In fact, what is true is that people who feel good in certain circumstances, like winning the lottery, actually become unhappy, dissatisfied and loose hope in life.  Carl Maslow illustrated that people feel a better sense of well-being when they have basic survival needs met rather than monetary gain.  Lifestyle always rises to the level of income and beyond and what happens is that possessions or positions in life do not seem to bring happiness and hope.  People get on the hedonistic treadmill trying to find happiness and gain hope but, “the abundance of life is not in the things we possess” (Jesus).  Often people assume that happiness and having hope is a result of what happens to people in life.  However, it is not what happens to people; it’s how they construct and interpret those events, it is how you mindfully experience those events.

A key to hope, a road to happiness is emotional well-being.  People who have hope in life and experience emotional well being are people who are virtually engaged in life– grounded in meaning and purpose in life.  To be happy, to have hope means being fully involved with every detail of life.  A life driven by purpose, calling, a sense of belonging and fitting where you are is critical to feeling positive about what is taking place in existence.  When people are fully engaged in life with a sense of fitting, belonging– owning a place in life– engaging in positive relationships, then attention redirects our energy away from negatives which are destructive, limiting, defeating activity that drain vitality from life.  You may have heard the expression, “time flies when you are having fun.”  Another way to understand this is a state of grace, a “flow state.”  The experience of flow happens when you are able to be completely caught up in what you are doing and time flies.

Meeting the challenges of life with hope increases the flow of life that sets an expectation that sees a life that has possibilities, even when faced with extreme opposition.  What occurs in the hope transaction is that alternative routes to reach outcome are discovered, then implemented through pathways thinking.  “Pathways thinking” means that when the first route you try is blocked, you can produce alternative routes to get to a destination by thinking flexibly and are able to change course as needed. A challenge faced when attempting to cultivate an increased hope is to how to cultivate thinking patterns that connect to alternatives rather than boxed in solutions. A principle  of hope is that hope is a learned experience as well as a motivational feeling experienced, which indicates that hope both a phenomenon and a mindset.

Hope is embraced as a principle in thinking when hope has agency.  “Agency thinking”  is thinking with efficacious belief, a sense,  that the desired goal can be reached.  Borrowing from a Biblical principle in Hebrews 11:1; “faith” in Christian thinking is stirred by reciting, vividly recalling successful ventures of faith in the past.  The “evidence of things hoped for”  is in the record of those who have the story of success presented in a history of belief.  Individuals who spend their time reciting their failures or being reminded constantly of failure are not likely to accomplish much.  However, when there is a sense of agency and belief is cultivated through celebrating success and failure jointly (on the road to success), then high hope can be instilled that enables accomplishment.

One thing that is for sure in life is that there are always people who can convincingly tell you why you cannot succeed. However when you want to succeed, a bridge to the future must be constructed with faith, hope, and belief and it needs to begin today, without delay.

Related articles

1 Comment

Filed under Attitude, Communication, Consulting, Hope, Index, Influence, Leadership, Motivation, Perception, Prayer, Relationships, Self Defeating Behavior, Spiritual Development

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

May 2, 2011 · 1:12 am

Bitterness: Drinking Poison and Wishing Someone Else Dies


Bitterness_poison

What happens to a person when they are exposed to continual invalidation, while feeling the pain of rejection, isolation and then made to believe that what they are feeling is  not important enough to be heard?

If you have not had that experience, you will not understand what I am talking about.   After serving others for most of my life in pastoral ministry and having the unfortunate experience of having Thyroid cancer, being diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and subsequently, losing a wife to Cancer; I felt invalidated by life, the church, and everyone that I had given my life to serve.  My experience was that when I was transparent enough to share with the church, the deacons, and leaders that I was very sick,  I was pressured out of my  position by a group of religious haters. If it sounds like unresolved anger that needs expressed, let me assure you that I was angry and had good reason to be angry with people that I had invested in and who were only interested in what they wanted, while I felt so sick.  I am here to tell you from  an experience of wishing certain (unnamed) people would eat crap and die that bitterness is a counterproductive emotion and only hurts the person who is bitter.

So, I moved away and in my new location, I do not have the constant reminder that comes from seeing the people who  talk about expressing love, acceptance and mercy, but give judgment, pain, and isolation.  If that sounds serious, it is, the Bible says, “to shun the very appearance of evil” and they were acting evil so I obeyed the command and made a clean break.  As a recovering church and ministry junkie, I know now that I lived inside a religious life that only offered redemption as a concept and not as a practice.  Personally, I felt like I was  victimized by religious do gooders when, in fact, the problem was I had a distorted perception of reality.  I somehow thought Christians would be Christians when called upon. However, this belief could not have been further from the truth– people always act in their best interest and out of their own need justifying what they do.  The problem is that religious types do not want to admit that and believe that their actions are always spiritual.

Unfortunately, the assumption is not true and the result is misunderstanding, about the character of human behavior.  When a person has false expectations about people and life, then that individual ends up disillusioned and disappointed by the false ideas believed.  Disillusionment leads to failure in life, bitterness about experiences and alienation from the church.  What experience has taught me is that the church is ill-equipped at helping people who have problems. What the church is good at is creating emotional invalids, people who cannot think for themselves, and creating conformity.  The best organization in the world is the church of the Lord Jesus Christ, but it is made up of people who are a part of an organizational system that has no fail-safe approach for people who experience problems outside of the box.  What is a person to do when all that is right goes wrong leaving you in a pile ruins, then in one fell swoop everything is lost, hope is gone, and you’re left alone?

I remember when I sat in the hospice with Linda who was dying with colon cancer and thinking– remembering about how many times that I had been there with other families who had a family member dying.  I remember asking myself, “Where are those people that I served and where is the church, the pastor, the family now?  Death is one of those solitary experiences that you have to go through alone, but it is a time that no one should be alone.  If you want to invalidate someone, leave them alone when they get older and when they are dying.  I remember very clearly the isolation and loneliness of those moments.  I had just had a TIA, my sugar was out of control, my wife dying of cancer and life was ebbing away.  I sat there and waited hoping that someone would come.  I called and talked on the phone with my mother-in law who had told her dying daughter that she had received a word from God that she was going to be healed, repeatedly telling her that she did not have enough faith—she invalidated her in her dying moments in the name of a religious mysticism. Further invalidation came when she called and told me that I should take her out of Hospice because that was where people went to die– we did not have enough faith.  I understand that it was her fear of the reality of death, the children’s inability to deal with their mother’s death that explained the confusing behavior.  Meanwhile, I sat there day in and day out– around the clock wondering when someone would come.  People trickled through occasionally, sporadically– but no one really came who stayed, who invested, who made a difference.  It was not until the last week that Linda lived that her mother, dad, and brother finally came.  On the phone I had to tell her mom, if you do not come, you may never see her alive again– then she came.  How can a person ever get over that and get on with life?  What I discovered through this process is that I had faulty notions about people that made me believe that if they were really Christians they would show love, if they were family, they would show respect, if he was a pastor, he would show care, but it did not happen and I was disappointed.

What I discovered is that, generally, people are the same inside and outside the church.  The difference is that people inside the church have one set of answers about life and people who are outside the church have another set of answers.  People do act according to their personal interests, needs, and beliefs.  I believed that, somehow, people would act as I thought that I used to– go sit, pray, or give support.  The result, for me, was I got disappointed.  The point is that I thought they should, would– show interest and it made me angry, and not for myself, but that people could show such a lack of interest or could not feel a need to inconvenience themselves for someone who had cared about them throughout life.  At the end of the day, the anger that I feel has not gone away about injustice, but I have learned to manage what I felt, experienced, and is a reality. The unfortunate thing is that when such emotionally charged memories become a part of existence that it changes life forever.  I will probably never get over what has happened, but living with bitterness is no more an option that living false beliefs and expectations about people.

Related Articles

9 Comments

Filed under Abuse, Attitude, Index, Influence, Motivation, Perception, Relationships, Self Defeating Behavior, Spiritual Development

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

April 28, 2011 · 6:51 pm

Storms: Choices, Consequences, and Contentment


Connecting Choices to Outcome

Do the choices that are made every day have anything to do with how things work out in life?  Taking  a walk around the neighborhood after a tornado; then taking a drive through the city, what I saw from the storm reminded me that consequences always follow what occurs in life.  I am mindful of how much people take for granted  peace, happiness, and good times in life and how often that we forget that everything in life has consequences –good or bad.  Obviously,  some consequences are not because of the choices that we make in life, they are the result of nature, other people’s actions, or something that we do not understand about the seasons of life.  The fact remains that there are consequences for everything that happens in life.

Outcome and Escapist Thinking

A problem with problems is that we do not like the outcome because the consequences make life difficult to experience.  One of the most common responses to negative experiences  is to try  escaping consequences, deny the impact of our behavior and choices on others, and escape the reality of what those choices bring to life experience.  I am reminded from working in the prison system  that quite often we have inmates come to the chapel and  make a choice to become a Christian and to begin to pursue a spiritual life.  Instead of entering into a process of discipline and developing a responsible faith and transformation,  a common response after becoming a believer is for inmates to begin  seeking prayer and guidance about how to appeal their sentence to get out of prison.  A problem with this thinking is because they do not like the results of their choices, present circumstances, and the absence of a gratifying life.  Instead of accepting circumstances of being in prison as a result of bad choices, anti-social behavior, and hurt and pain for others; they believe that a spiritual relationship entitles them to an immediate change of circumstances.  What is not clearly understood is that having a relationship with God does not mean that circumstances will be removed for a lifetime of choices that are made. When people go to prison it is because they are convicted of a crime –a consequence of a bad choice.  Something that stands out here is that many times there is a mystical, magical thinking about what forgiveness brings in a person’s life that needs to be demythologized.  Forgiveness does not mean that we are not responsible for what has happened and it does not mean that consequences will disappear because we have found faith through God.

Memories and Traumatic Experience

In cognitive psychology theory, the importance of memory is correlated to the way experiences are organized and stored in the information management system within the brain.  The impact of experience upon memories and schemas are  realized through understanding memory encoding, which is the way traumatic or painful experience codes a memory and actually change the construction of brain tissue.  Episodic memories are the most powerful memories that people have and are connected to responses given through the lived-experience of life.  When painful events, invalidation, hurt, or trauma occurs beliefs, relationships, and memories are forever changed –life changing consequences attached to actions that classify memories with specific triggers.  However, it is not that simple when choices that are very painful are attached to the way the brain organizes information, memories, and painful emotions.  For some people, people they just want to say, I am sorry and hope that it will be forgotten because they wish for immediate release and change the painful circumstances choices have created.  However, it is not that simple when there is deeply ingrained hurt and trauma.  When choices are made, words are said, and actions are taken; we may not realize that when one word, one act occurs, it can be life changing. Indeed, how another person experiences our choices are related to how they experience and processes our chosen behavior.

Choices, Prayer, and Outcome

Memories embedded in the psyche, are connected to an internal perception process,  schema that is a part of the biological and physical makeup of the brain.  It is not just a emotional response; it is how an individuals brain and mind organize events, which and regulates how we think, feel and triggers how we behave when episodic memories are activated. Indeed, choices have consequences upon how life will be experienced, encoded, and remembered.   Unfortunately, outcome is not given enough consideration when people decide on a course of action or use irresponsible words, actions, and behaviors.

What needs to be emphasized  and understood is that when there is a painful experience, painful invalidating words, and abusive behavior that destroys trust and boundaries that the consequences of what has happened cannot simply be wished away, prayed away, or ignored.  The important and neglected truth is that  there are some things that are a part of life –like problems, storms, aging, death, and seasons of life that are very difficult to face.  What needs to be  understood is that we must learn to live with consequences and realize that some things will never change and do not go away no matter how spiritual one becomes.  Our prayers might be better focused upon asking for Grace that provides sufficient strength to live within the circumstances in the place our choices have taken us  to live.

Contentment through Spiritual Growth

The apostle Paul said,  ” I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, [therewith] to be content” (Philippians 4:11).   This is not an attitude of hopelessness and/or  surrender to circumstances, but an affirmation of faith that states that whatever circumstances that are faced, contentment can be found in a Savior who is sufficient in the whatever circumstances life may bring.  The fact is that anyone can trust God when everything is always going right.  The question is can you trust God in your circumstances to be sufficient –to provide efficient grace to live through the storms of life?

Related Articles

1 Comment

Filed under Hope, Index, Motivation, Perception, Spiritual Development, Spirituality, The Soul

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

April 25, 2011 · 2:07 pm

Happiness: Success and a Well-Lived Life


Well_lived_life

What does it mean to be a success in life in the 21st century? I suppose the answer you get depends upon who you ask. One important thing that seems to stand out this morning is that it is really hard to feel successful at anything when you are not happy. Abraham Lincoln said, “Most people are about as happy as they choose to be.”

This is a thought provoking statement that indicates that happiness is a choice that people make as well as implying that success is a secondary result of happiness. Often, when people think about happiness, thoughts are conjured up of people who laugh and smile a lot, but that is not really accurate. Happiness is not based upon circumstances, in psychological terms, it is better understood as an approach to life that is present in spite of circumstances that provides hope, resilience, and strengths of values under-girding a perspective toward what is done in life. One thing for sure is that it is not what happens to us in life that determines success, rather, it is connected to how we feel about what happens and how the experience is internalized into life actions.

A well-lived life is connected to positive emotions that are internalized into beliefs, perception, and attitudes, which provide the substance of life affirming actions– behaviors in the experience of life. Positive emotions and efficacious actions are connected to the ability to have positive affirming relationships that characterize relationship in groups, social interaction, and organizational life. At the heart of life characterized by a pattern of broken relationships is a missing element of hope. The missing element is happiness that gives meaning to life– the wind in the sails of life bringing accomplishment within circumstances The point is that success in life is very much connected to happiness and its is definitely something that you have to choose in life.

Related Articles

2 Comments

Filed under Attitude, Happiness, Hope, Index, Leadership, Motivation, Perception, Relationships, Self Defeating Behavior, Spiritual Development

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

April 23, 2011 · 3:56 pm

Easter: Spiritual Life and Invalidation at the Cross


Blackberry_july_2010_111

All around the world Christians are remembering the darkest day of history when sinful men crucified a sinless savior on the cross. The attitude characterized in the conversation of the crowd gathered around the cross portrays the emotional abuse heaped upon Jesus in this hour of darkness. The religious leaders mocked Him on the cross publicly humiliating Him invalidating the deity of Jesus or His power to save Himself, nor anyone else.

The physical abuse and suffering from the scourging, repeated beatings, now magnified in public humiliation intensifies the rejection. The pain coupled with emotional abuse and rejection in the moments of His death by religious leaders and driving the nails a little deeper, increasing the pain. Magnifying the rejection and pain, “In the same way the rebels who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him” (Matt 27:44) demonstrating the darkness of depravity on this day. The religious crowd set the example and paved the way, stirring the hatred and,” From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land” (Matt. 26:45). It was a dark day demonstrating the capacity of people at their worst, who could show hatred and physical abuse in such a public way. Emotional abuse and invalidation in such a painful way, showing the day of spiritual darkness upon the earth revealing the emptiness and depravity of men. The day that Jesus hung upon the cross shows men’s hearts darkened by the power of sin– the absence of light, and the invalidation of hope.

The crucifixion is a day that is a reminder of sacrifice and a gift that Christ gave to those who will believe, it is a day of remembering that humans have not moved far from the foot of the cross. The gift of God on the cross, the ability to believe, a potential to experience life on the other side of the cross, on the other side of the tomb, and on the other side of life is available today to those willing to look through the darkness and see the “Lamb of God who Takes away the sins of the world.”

Related Articles

1 Comment

Filed under Abuse, Attitude, Influence, Leadership, Motivation, Relationships, Self Defeating Behavior, Spiritual Development, Spirituality, The Soul

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

April 21, 2011 · 12:32 pm

Creative Thinking: Living Outside the Box



When you live in a box, think in a box, it is hard to see anything outside the box.  The tendency that people have who think in a box is to reject anything that will not fit in their box, criticize it and throw it away.  Creative thinking is a hallmark of intelligence and problem solving.  A problem presents in life when the focus is upon compliance, pathology, and what is wrong.  What results is that is that all energy focuses upon defending a rationale for what is wrong and virtually what will not fit in the box.  Linear thinkers tend to think on a straight line, not being able to see anything that is not on the straight line.  People call it concrete thinking, close mindedness, black and white thinking, but something to think about is that thinking in a box can be a symptom of someone who needs to control life in certain definable terms to rid themselves of the anxiety that occurs when something does not fit in the box.  Learning to give up control of the way reality is constructed in certain definable terms is a step in developing an ability to think creatively about problems. Thinking outside the box is not unfaithfulness to an ideology; it is being faithful to your own capability to think about creative solutions.  The choice that we have is to live in a box– or not, to use your innate intelligence, to focus upon your strengths in ways to bring a positive outcome.

Related Articles

1 Comment

Filed under Attitude, Cognitive Psychology, Hope, Index, Leadership, Motivation, Perception

Tagged as , , , , , , ,