Boundaries: If Your an Enabler, Don’t Cry When You Get Bit.

Aesop’s Fables records a story called the, “The Farmer and the Snake” that illustrates why boundaries are important to understand how to live life without rescuing people who may no be capable of rescue.

ONE WINTER a Farmer found a Snake stiff and frozen with cold. He had compassion on it, and taking it up, placed it in his bosom. The Snake was quickly revived by the warmth, and resuming its natural instincts, bit its benefactor, inflicting on him a mortal wound. “Oh,” cried the Farmer with his last breath, “I am rightly served for pitying a scoundrel.”

The greatest kindness will not bind the ungrateful [ self focused individuals].

A lesson to be learned here is that creating boundaries in life to regulate relationships and behaviors is a way to manage how much danger, pain, and dysfunction that you are going to experience in life.  We have boundaries at work, in business, on the highway, and even in the park, but somehow people believe that in relationships  everyone will always make the right decisions without clarifying the terms of relationship.

How Do We Get Into No-Win Situations Becoming an Enabler?

It may be hard to face, but enabling says something about the enabler that needs to be understood. People who are enablers think they are helping someone else when in reality they are creating a disability support system. It is magical thinking — a way of romanticizing life with the idealism that that denies the reality reality of  destructive patterns of behavior, irresponsibility, guilt, pain etc. The enabling parent, husband, wife-believes that somehow through these vicarious acts of rescuing and enabling that it will magically make it better.  It is like when a mother picks up her child and kisses the owee’ and magically all the pain disappears. It is a thinking problem that gets us into no-win situations.  In the core thought processes of the enabler there is a fundamental belief that this kind of thing happens to other people, but not to us– I am not like that–  believe the best about people, my family could not do anything like that. This attitude –thinking pattern– creates naivete’ about relationships that exposes your backside to the sharp teeth of the dog named fate –and when it happens, it is painful.

What Do Dogs Do in an Ideal World?

Like snakes ,when dogs are not kept on a leash and when there is not a understanding of how relationships will occur with individuals to regulate what can occur, it is an opportunity for disaster to happen naturally.  — and they do.  The problem with enablers is that they don’t believe ,snakes bite that dogs bark or pee on the corner of the sofa.  After all, they say, “my dog went to obedience school and knows better, he is a dog of high breeding.”  In an ideal world where people are perfectly balanced and have no dysfunction, family system problems, unresolved conflicts, or emotional baggage, people do not need to be on a leash, but we all know that snakes and dogs will always be true to their nature, no matter how pretty they are –too bad that life does not occur in a ideal world.

Translated by George Fyler Townsend. Aesop’s Fables (p. 19). Amazon Digital Services, Inc.

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Happiness: Living on the Street called Choice

A question often asked by people who are having problems says something like this, “When am I ever going be to be happy”? 

An underlying factor within the question is the level of dissatisfaction felt about life experience.  Another that issue associated with concerns about future happiness is a feeling of entitlement precedes the way individuals view the outcome of life.  A way to understand expectations about future happiness in life events is energized with a core belief that happiness is the capstone that describes a problem-free life.  Therefore, the normal, natural question about challenges is whether happiness is a real possibility to be attained.  A fundamental problem with a question like this is that it looks ahead to an unknown time and looks at life experience with a particular ideal world where happiness just happens. Obviously, the answer never comes for some individuals because of a lack of clear understanding of what happiness describes or what conditions must be met to create the “state” that some people describe as happiness.  As a result, a common explanation of happiness utilizes language intertwined with feelings about circumstances in life.  For instance, some descriptions of happiness are interpreted to mean removing all anxiety or other life disturbances standing in the way of an optimum state of euphoria achieved through a pain-free existence.  Therefore, happiness built upon an idealism of reducing life expectation to a simple no pain, resistance, or other difficulty formula holds the probability of great disappointment and lingering question, “When am I ever going be to be happy”?

So what is happiness anyway?

A place to begin is with a dictionary definition, which associates happiness as an emotion of joy, gladness, satisfaction, and well-being.  Since the dictionary defines it in terms of emotion, many people may conclude that when there is the absence of those life affirming emotions mentioned that happiness is not a reality.  Apparently, somehow meaning is attached to happiness that translates into an absence of pain or difficulty.  If you are a philosopher or study the field of Ethics, you will quickly identify this definition as consistent with ideas drawn from the philosophy of Hedonism, which describes the pleasure principle as the central motif of making life work in a way to reduce pain, discomfort, and difficulty for the “greatest good” as an outcome rationale.  Applying this philosophy of life affirms the idea that when people are happy life is experienced with the least amount of difficulty, pain, or unpleasantness within life experience. Obviously, this sounds good in principle, but it is a very simplistic way to view a very complex subject that leaves the questions of people with less than positive life experience with a lack of hope that happiness can be realized.

We usually seek success in order to find happiness.

One of the fallacies in looking at happiness because of circumstances is that it constructs happiness from feelings of success or performance outcome.  However, much of life is lived on a street that has noisy neighbors, sick children, grass to mow, snow to shovel, and storms that come and go.  The result is that life is full of experiences that may not have an outcome that feels like success.  A relevant point relates to how well-being and satisfaction incorporates into a life filled with experience that evokes negative emotional responses.  Unfortunately, what is missing from the dictionary definition is a comprehensive understanding of common happiness that everyone can have no matter what life brings. In reference to this, Dr. Marla Gottschalk states that:

How we “digest” our life experiences, both negative and positive, can be instrumental in influencing levels of happiness.  As Achor explains, reported happiness cannot always be fully explained by life events themselves –it is how we view those life events that prove to be pivotal.  Many of us have a tendency to become focused upon negative information and events (possibly an evolutionary necessity).  As a result, we may under-represent our successes and fail to draw energy from them. On some level, we give up our power to be happy – by resting its fate entirely in the external world – when in fact, our “internal script” can be quite influential. Shorter-lived emotions can contribute to a broader “affect”, or tendency to feel either positive or negative. (What is happiness then? (Positive Psychology and Happiness at Work).

Happiness precedes success in the way thoughts are constructed in the mind

Happiness is a way of thinking about life that uses an organized way of mental cognition that incorporates using “pathways thinking” to create momentum in the activity of life.  Unfortunately, the notion that experiencing a particular life outcome will create happiness is conceptually flawed because this perspective lacks a consistent and measurable inference.  For instance, placing two individuals in an exact set of circumstances does not indicate that happiness will occur sequentially or is predictable.  In fact, the level of well-being felt will depend more on the way individuals think about events than the events alone.  Obviously, two people can have the same experience and value the experience in different ways.  On the other hand, another way to look at happiness is that happiness is consistent with thinking constructs, which introduces quantitative and qualitative factors into the life that individuals experience.

Think about the meaning of the word, “life”

A simple definition of life is, “the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual” (Dictionary.com). 

For many people life is just an existence or a human organic experience of conscious awareness with a sort of organic fatalism that reduces life to what we have in our genes and DNA.  However, life is much more than an organic existence of matter over a set period of time.  Life is an activity which describes a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul” (Dictionary.com) as both quality of life and quantity of time in existence.  An idea expressed in the words of Jesus that connects a meaning to life that delineates a way of thinking about life that predicts outcome in life says, “I have come to give life; and life more abundant” (John 10:10 KJV).

Textual evidence from grammar interprets life as “zōḗ – life (physical and spiritual).  … it always (only) comes from and is sustained by God’s self-existent life”.  In addition, life is modified in the use of an adjective abundant … “perissós (an adjective), properly all-around …  beyond what is anticipated, exceeding expectation”, which describes a life lived with a view of life characterized by (well-being and satisfaction=happiness).  Another related word that adds meaning to the way Christians think about happiness spoken of in the Psalms is, “blessedness”, which describes a state of being in a Christian life that orders the thoughts around a spiritual view of life that is grounded in a reflective relationship with God.  Also, “blessedness” informs existence with an aptitude, a view toward life, informing the way behavior occurs in life. An important point to make is that in the Beatitudes, (Matthew 5:ff.) happiness is not associated with the removal of pain or the absence of challenging experiences, but rather, with a changed perspective.  In fact, the idea is that optimum happiness results from life being viewed through certain definable attitudes understood about life from God’s perspective.

Thinking patterns discipline the mind to create happiness and pathways for life

Later in the Bible, The apostle Paul wrote about the activity of the mind.  He said, “every thought should be brought into captive obedience to Christ.”  The message of I Corinthians resonates the principle that ineffective ways of thinking must be superseded with organizing the thoughts around a perspective of life dominated by a positive Christian mindset.  The idea is present in the text that suggests that vain ways of thinking result in spiritual captivity to false ideas about life.  So, when life does not experience the well-being that individuals feel entitled to experience in the circumstances of life, what response should be given?  Peter said, “Gird up the loins of your mind” (1 Peter 1:13).  Strengthen the mental outlook is the central message of Peter to those facing persecution.  Obviously, there is a mental motif prescribed: When life is falling apart and does not give you the measure of success that is expected, quit fighting the circumstances to find happiness.  The point is to reorganize thinking around hope that will create new pathways, ways of thinking about life.  The consistent and compelling message about happiness is not the absence of challenging, heart-wrenching events.  The application is the message about the way thoughts are organized with a view toward life.  The application is about how inner strengths of character are identified through hope and how happiness develops a pathway to effective living. As a result, happiness will not be achieved through technological development, possession of things, or vain expectation: it is achieved through inner development of the person.

Common ideas about happiness are found in a belief that if a person takes up a hobby like wood carving, playing golf, or other activities that the unhappiness can be distracted denied, and delegitimized.  However, while distraction from pain or unhappiness may minimize the symptoms of unhappiness in life, it will not change a point of view about life.  The truth is that you can never remove unhappy events in life by replacing challenges with the innocuous placebo of pleasure.  One craving only leads to another, which leads to another reinforcing a life of pursuing pleasure to numb the pain felt about unhappiness in life circumstances.

What is the road to happiness?

The answer rests in altering ineffective thinking by cleaning up the clutter about how we organize thoughts about life.  Happiness does not guarantee that life will never face difficulty.  On the other hand, happiness changes how individual think about difficulty and what they will do when challenging moments come.  The road to happiness is joined to an inward journey of the development of the mind, spirit, and soul-life.  Indeed, spiritual life cannot be isolated in a detached metaphysical experience of escape from pain, from difficulty, or performance of duty.  The matter of importance is that happiness is rooted in a way of thinking toward life.  Therefore, the road to happiness is understanding, which leads to positive life-affirming ways of thinking reflectively about life.

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Being Who God Created You to Be: You Were Made to Last Forever

Sooner or later everyone is faced with the absolute certainty that mortal life will end.  Indeed, life is a constantly evolving process that will culminate in an ultimate experience that ushers existence into a new reality called eternity.  A natural phenomenon of life-experience and awareness of conscious life is continually developing and ending simultaneously. This experience is a non-tangible present reality that is happening, as we experience it each waking moment of life.  One of the important certainties that we quite often lose touch with is that every experience of life is the staging ground for an eternity that is yet unrealized.  Something that needs to be considered is looking at life with the view that God has from now into eternity.

What a Spiritual Life of Purpose Looks Like From God’s Perspective.

“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter.  He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good” (Romans 8:26-28, The Message).

A Spiritual Reality is That We Really Do Not Understand, But He is at Work.

 Many people tend to hold a view of life that has a deeply embedded belief that the experience of today is fixed, set, and the expectation that life will always look as it does today brings disappointment when it is disconnected from a spiritual life. At the same time, a faulty perspective of life built around present experience tends to cause acceptance of the comfort or pain of the moment as a normal expectation in life. The reality of a life of surrender to a sovereign God is within the struggle.  Therefore, in the process, He hears our groans and struggles and works to make sense of something that is so confusing to comprehend in our humanity.

Tragically, without spiritual transformation an existence is constructed where hope is absent for anything in life better than present experiences, i.e., what is presently seen.  This type of perspective limits life to a purpose built on present or upon negative experience instead of eternal purpose designed by God.  Therefore, the reality, pain, or joy of the moment constantly acquiesces to expectation set by an event, experience, or impression from a millisecond instead of purpose driven by a firm faith and hope of the Spirit of God who is working out an eternal purpose through us in our experiences.

God’s Perspective About Earthly, Fleshly, Soulish People Who are Governed By Passions of the Present Instead of Focus Upon the Eternal.

“they think only about this life here on earth.  But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives.  (Philippians 3:19b-20 NLT)

The indicative message is that a relationship with God that think about life with a different goal in mind that earthly minded people.  “God says His children are think differently about life from the way unbelievers do” (Rick Warren, 2002).

Unfortunately, mortal human beings tend to look at life like a picture of a moment recording only a solitary moment, not the larger picture.  It is a just a still frame expressing life captured in an immobile fixed moment of the present, which many people internalize and script expectations, hope, and dreams apart from an eternal purpose that is set in the mind of God to always work into something good for those who He has called.  Therefore, the present becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that predicts our future and limit our potential to the beliefs held about present realities.  Consequently, the unrealized potential of a future that God has written upon our hearts and lives cannot come to fruition because we are trapped in the prison of the present and has no pathway to the future.

Gaining God’s Perspective Reduces The Anxiety of the Moment and Releases us to See the Process of Becoming God’s Unique Creation.

In the flurry of our daily crisis, an important reality that is not being processed into our temporal experience is that life is quickly passing us by at such a rapid rate of speed that we do not realize that eternity is just a step ahead.  It is true that we shall soon enter eternity, sooner than we realize, through God’s grace into a life prepared for God’s children..  Unfortunately, human beings have to learn the value of eternity and God’s purpose through the broken experiences in life before they get a glimpse of eternity.  It is when, something happens that turns life upside down, changes the way life is experienced,  and shatters our expectations that we are forced to re-evaluate life with a view that is finite.  A fortunate value of a crisis is that it is an opportunity exercise faith and to put our trust in God to discover that God is using this present experience to develop a character that is pure, a trust that is firm, and a perspective that values the moment. It is an awakening, a moment of revelation about life  and experience that tells us in a still small voice  that  God’s hand is developing His eternal purpose in us.  Consequently, there comes  an undeniable and inevitable movement to life that it is so subtle that we may not even realize, in the present moment that life has changed, God has spoken, and nothing will ever be the same since you began reading this article.

We often lose touch with the reality that life is a process of development with periods of time that possess life span experiences, which eventually catch up with no matter how much we dislike it.  As we progress and age, things like our vision grows dim, the body wrinkles, sickness comes and one day all of the things that we have known in the life through momentary experiences will be absorbed into eternity.  Through the experiences of life, we learn that life is just a temporary assignment that could change any moment; then suddenly we will be faced with life developments that are natural and normal in the human experience of life.  The unfortunate reality that many of us have difficulty realizing is that the way that the way we look at life today is not what life will always be and we hang on to the moment in hope that it will never end, but it will and it does.  Then what should we do?

Think About What The Psalmist Said:

 “Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
Remind me that my days are numbered—
how fleeting my life is” (Psalm 39:4; New Living Translation).

A life lesson that stands out from the psalmist is that life on earth is brief: therefore we d we need to be reminded that every day life is a wonder of existence. It is a divinely given opportunity to exercise effective stewardship and use the opportunity to live by eternal purpose, instead of extraneous circumstances.  While in the moment, the reality that life is slipping through our fingers like the sands of time is an well hidden that must be understood to gain an effective life of purposeful living and being the person that God created us to be.  What we invest our time in does matter now and will matter more once we enter into eternity.  The question the psalmist asks of God reminds us that mortality means that there are a limited number of days to live and to use in preparation for eternity.  Reading the words written, it seems that the psalmist is concerned that life should be invested in things that really matter, things of significance, and that will affect eternal existence in positive and meaningful ways.

Here Is Another Request From The Psalmist That Relates To Eternity:

“I am here on earth for just a little while; do not hide your commands from me” (Psalms 119:19 Good News Translation)

A principle that resonates from the words that relate to God’s eternal purpose is the reality that we must make the best of our lives, while you have life to live because we are here for such a short period of time.  What stands out here is that we should not get too attached to anything in this life because it will soon be gone.  An important point to grasp here is that we need to see life, particularly our life as God sees it, looking at life from God’s perspective.  “Our identity is in eternity and our homeland is heaven” (Rick Warren, 2002).

Remember that there is a solitary principle that stands out in being who God designed us to be: “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever” (The Baptist Catechism).  The profound spiritual truth is that we must organize our lives by

keeping first things first.  Because life, as we know it, is  is not all that there is; it drives home the point that life will not end at the termination of physical life.  What the message of God says to us is that we  are made to last forever. Therefore, how we invest our life here and now is life is preparation for the next.  Consequently, when you live our lives in the shadow of this life and the light of eternity, your values change about how to be who God created you to be.

 God Gives us the Affirmation to Embrace our Purpose with a View of the Future in Sight by Faith.

 “ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal”  (2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV).

We can capitulate to life or live life in hope of what God has prepared and realize that eternity offers only two choices: heaven or hell.  The message is that we are living in the light of eternity, which is a powerful concept taught throughout the Bible. That teaches aa poignant lesson, we should live each day so that if it were the last day of our lives, we would be ready for eternity. An important facet of being who God created us to be is that there are eternal consequences to everything to do on earth.

 Listen to the Words of Solomon: Cherish Life and Use it in the Light of Etenity...

You who are young, make the most of your youth.
Relish your youthful vigor.
Follow the impulses of your heart.
If something looks good to you, pursue it.
But know also that not just anything goes;
You have to answer to God for every last bit of it.

 (Ecclesiates. 11:9, The Message).

An important application to be made is that we will be rewarded for our faithfulness on earth and reassigned to do work that we will enjoy doing.  We won’t lie around on clouds with halos playing harps!  God has a purpose for your life on earth, but it doesn’t end here.Yes, I must serve God in my generation, but my service here is preparation for greater service to come because I was made for eternity.

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Who God Created Me to Be: What Drives Your Life?

“Everyone’s life is driven by something: many are driven by things like guilt, resentment, anger, fear, materialism, and the need for approval” (Rick Warren, 2002).

 Who is Driving the Bus?

 A dictionary definition of drive is to guide, to control, or to direct.  One of the questions that we are focusing on today is what the driving force in our life is.  Having a focused, central purpose to life that is rooted in a relationship with Him translates into a way of living that places God at the center of existence.  The thought that comes to mind is that God calls us in to a life to be who we are in terms of a relationship with Him.  At this point I am reminded again of the fact that, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever” (The Baptist Catechism).  So, in other words, a primary goal of being a innately –natural, authentic Christian who is driven by purpose is that a relationship with Him needs to be the defining characteristic of what drives the bus.  Unfortunately, most of us have grown up in a world where we have told to conform, forced to conform, and expected to conform.  The environmental invalidation stifles creativity within  and individuals become programmed by society and cultural expectations and we live a life of being driven by things, people, and expectations instead of purpose.

Reflection about Spiritual Direction: What or Who is Pushing Your Buttons?

 Have you ever taken time to think reflectively about what is driving your behavior in life?  It is an interesting question because I see people every day who are getting their buttons pushed by something or someone and they spend their time living a reactive rather than a proactive life.  In a life of being who God created you to be, is important to understand that the reason why we are just reacting is that we have not developed a comfort level with the way God made them and confidence enough to act beyond the influence and expectations of others.  Therefore, they get in the trap of conformity and are afraid to color outside the lines because of what others expect, a desire to please, and the fear of personal rejection.

What does the Bible say about drive and motivation for behavior?

 “Then I observed that most people are motivated to success by their envy of their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless, like chasing the wind” (Ecclesiastes 4:4Living Bible).

 The answer is that any efforts to live a life of trying to be like others or being driven by anything less than the purpose of God for life is spending time, effort, energy, resources, and time on something that will never be achieved.  Solomon called it “chasing the wind”.  When things outside of their purpose in life drive people, the person God created them to be, life turns into an empty pursuit that is never satisfying, stressful, and is not true to our true nature.  Therefore the key to harnessing the drives that lead to chasing to wind is to begin with a discovery process of individual purpose and who God created us to be.

Purpose provides a place to harness and direct the thing that will drive us forward.

“The man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder – waif, a nothing, a no man. Have a purpose in life, and, having it, throw such strength of mind and muscle into your work as God has given you” (Thomas Carlyle).

 The truth is that nothing matters more than knowing God’s purpose for your life, and nothing can bring satisfaction and wholeness in life like knowing who God created you to be a s an individual creation of God.

Some of the benefits of living to be what God created you to be in a a purpose-driven life is that it:

Gives meaning to your life and defines where to put your energy..

Simplifies your life and keeps you from chasing the wind.

Focuses your life on what is important to magnify your relationship with God.

It motivates you to live with an upward and inward focus that leads you to the future that God has for your life.

A central component of purpose is that it prepares you in this life to be fully developed as you enter eternity.  Remember that you were not put on earth to be creating an image for others to commit to memory.  Every believer was put in this world to “glorify God and to enjoy him forever” (The Baptist Catechism).  Surrendering to who you are in Christ in a life of discipleship and purpose is so that we will be conformed to the image of Christ in this life to enter the next life with a clear knowledge of who God created us to be now and then.

Affirmation

Everyone suffers with the problem of being driven by the wrong thing at times.  What we can remember is that “Without God, life has no purpose, and without purpose, life has no meaning. Without meaning, life has no significance or hope.” This is such a significant point and intentional statement.  It is important because it magnifies the dual responsibility to surrender to having a purpose, but also acting in faith and knowledge in response to who God is in reality.  Each person must live for the purpose for which God has designed; otherwise, whatever meaning seems to be obtained through living for lesser purposes will evaporate in eternity ahead.

Something that may important to remember is that people who don’t know their purpose try to do too much and that causes the elevation of stress, fatigue, and conflict. Indeed it is tempting to have one’s finger in many pies, but are they our pies to have our fingers in all of the time?  What we will discover is that when we have stripped life of the inessentials that do not contribute to who God created us to be and aligns with purpose, life will become more productive and satisfied.

When the right thing drives us we will discover that purpose always produces passion and that nothing energizes a life like a clear sense of purpose.  Perhaps this is why most of the Christians I meet have so little passion for the Kingdom of God. They are not living with a clear vision of the purpose for which God has created them or functioning in that purpose.

An important fact to accept is that given enough time, all your trophies will be trashed.  If that strikes you as negative and pessimistic; then, you have not read Ecclesiastes enough to understand the importance of a life without a purpose.  If reading the message of Ecclesiastes depresses you, it must be because you do  not understand what Solomon is saying. In a simple statement of truth, the message of Ecclesiastes is “Meaning and satisfaction are not found in any of life’s components; they are found only in life’s Creator”.

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• DJ Grothe on An Atheist’s Purpose in Life (patheos.com)
• Rick Warren’s ‘Purpose Driven Life’ Quote Featured on Starbucks Cups (christculturenews.com)
• 10 Things You Need to Know About Purpose … (aliveatwork.wordpress.com)
• It takes Adversities in LIFE to discover our True Purpose in LIFE… (stervelim.com)
• Book Review: The Purpose Driven Life (debrakb.blogspot.com)

 

Who were you created to be? You Are Not an Accident

Think about this for a moment: “there is a God who created you for a reason, and your life has profound meaning” (Rick Warren, 2002).

A beginning statement to ponder is that we can only really be the person God created us to be when God is the focal point of our existence and we surrender to His purpose for existence.  The Bible says it this way,  “The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him” (Romans 12:3, The Message). The truth is that we can never be who God created us to be until we are willing to surrender the life that we have created, are maintaining, and enduring to the potential life, which is possible by recognizing that God is the center of existence.  It is all about God.

Have you ever wondered why you are who you are and why you are different from others around you?  Read this poem and listen to the words as you say them aloud.

You are who you are for a reason by *Russell Kelfer

You are who you are for a reason.
You’re part of an intricate plan.
You’re a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God’s special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb.
You’re just what He wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones He chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,
And they bear the Master’s seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you’d grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God! (http://www.donnarosestewart.com/other/kelfer.html)

There are two important things to think about within these ideas.  One is the issue of reason.  God has a purpose for your life, but your purpose can only be found through surrendering to Him, not surrender to circumstances, sociology, or opinion –yours or others.  Closely related is how some people see themselves or acquiesce to the status quo.  As a result, many people see themselves as a failure   or as a mistake.  Therefore, the second issue that we need to understand about who God created us to be is that your conception, birth, life development, and challenges are not the result of a mistake of nature.  Believe me, no matter what you see in the mirror or feel in your private thoughts; you are not an accident of biology, environment, or experiences.  In the last post, “Why do you Exist”, the core question about why we exist presents a theme that life can be built around s the central purpose for existence.

Man’s First Purpose in Creation

 From my personal spiritual background, I am reminded, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.  [Scriptures that supports this position  are found in]: 1 Corinthians 10:31; Psalm 16:11; 37:4; 73:25-26; and  Isaiah43:7.  [The application of] To ‘Glorify’ does not mean make glorious.  It means [to] reflect or display as glorious.  Other words you could use for ‘end’ are ‘goal’ or ‘purpose’” (A Baptist Catechism).

How Did God Create Man?

The next question that relates to who God created us to be is answer in how God created people. “God created man male and female, after his own image, in knowledge, righteousness, and holiness, with dominion over the creatures.  [Scriptures to support this position are in] Genesis 1:27-28; Colossians 3:10; and  Ephesians 4:24. [To understand this better,] In saying that we were created after his image ‘in knowledge, righteousness and holiness,’ we do not mean we know all God knows, nor that we are a fountain of righteousness and holiness the way he is.  We mean that we were capable of sharing his knowledge and righteousness and holiness in a relationship of trust and love unlike any other creature under the angels” (A Baptist Catechism).

Therefore, what we understand from scripture is that God had a plan, a purpose, and a design, which was not an accident of nature, events, or mistakes.  The importance of who God created us to be was initiated long before we were conceived by our parents –you were conceived in the mind of God.

Affirmation of Faith

What the scripture teaches us about being who God created us to be is that while there are illegitimate parents, there are no illegitimate children.  This is an important and  helpful distinction for those of us who feel like we are the product of a mistake made by someone else! Therefore, the use of scriptures like Deuteronomy 23:2 to support illegitimacy in birth, “A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD”, clearly is not a reference to physical birth, parents, and marriage.  Obviously, Deuteronomy 23:2  is a reference to someone who does not have a covenant relationship to God, which is a indication of an illegitimate connection to the church, religion, and spiritual life, as stated in Hebrews 13.  As a point of reference to remind us who created believers to be in a familial relationship with Him, “They are reborn–not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God” (John 1:13, NLT).

Clearly this is an indication that we are not a mistake, freak of nature, or an aberration of evolution: we are God’s special creation.  Therefore, we can be reminded that the person that God has created us to be, specifically disavows atheistic evolution.  If you are wondering about who God created you to be, remember the first purpose for existence; “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever”.  Therefore, be assured that it is abundantly clear that God is the reason alone for purposeful, divine creation.

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Why Do I Exist?

One of the important questions related to discovering who God created us to be has to do with what we spend our life pursuing.  For many, the chief pursuit of life is the acquisition of things and the pursuit of things to bring pleasure.  To address this hedonistic principle of humanity, Solomon wrote and said, “A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree” (The Message Proverbs 11:28).

People who are devoted to things often are people who do not really know who they are and acquiesce to a life in search of identity and importance by defining existence by the things that surround them.

A great discovery to make about existence is that it is not about you.  Focusing on things or ourselves will never reveal our life’s purpose.  The reality is that you were made by God and for God—and until you understand that, life will never make sense.

Affirmation of Faith

Our affirmation of faith from the scripture resonates with me an important message that needs to be understood, even after having read it multiple times: that “It’s purpose is not about you.”  The reason for this truth is that this truth never loses its importance because it is timeless truth.

This assertion is hardly new in the history of Christian faith. The reason for our existence is as old as Wesley who said, “God made us to be happy in Him.”  In Baptist history,  it is as old as the Westminster Catechism which affirms that “the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.”  Furthermore, in Jewish history, it is as old as David who said, “It is He that hath made us and not we ourselves.  We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.”  It is as old as Moses who said, “So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.”  What do these examples have in common?  The central theme is reverence and life of worship that brings an understanding of why we exist.  Life and more particularly, my life is not about me.  The affirmations and history are spiritual markers that reveal that all of life is about God, not about finding ourselves.

APPLICATION OF FAITH

Our origin, identity, meaning, purpose, destiny all originate and are completed in relationship to God.  As a result, I cannot help but think embracing life with this perspective would revolutionize everything that we do in life and the choices we make.  I can remember the frustration of many people who have shared their never-ending search to find what they want to do in life.  Obviously, this common mistake is the wrong approach to life because it reduces why we exist to a simple human endeavor to do something in our own power to create an identity and a purpose to feel significance in life.

The place to begin is that understanding why we  exist will only find significance when we gain the insight that identity and purpose are found only through relationship with Jesus Christ. Anything else will leave us to the task of creating a purpose that is simply the natural part of a human life apart from God.  When God reveals to us and we understand in our heart of hearts that God planned the purpose of our life and intends for it to last into eternity.  Then, our lives and purpose for existence aligns with the eternal plan of God and has the potential to be effective and produce lasting fruit now and in the future.  When we realize that, we will find that we understand existence from God’s perspective and we have found something worth living for and someone worth dying with because it is eternal.

Final thoughts

Some of you upon reading this may get the idea that determining your life purpose has nothing to do with you or the choices you make.  Obviously, that is not the case, because what happens in our life depends upon responding to God and reverencing Him in worship through obedience The problem exists that we start with us and what we want; then we tell God what we’ll do.  To understand why we exist, God wants us to start with Him—His Kingdom, His Will—and then ask how we can use the gifts and abilities He has given us to participate in His plan.

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So, Why Do People Really Go To Church?

 

Have you ever been in one of those churches that has convulsions every two or three years and found yourself wondering why people really go to church there?  Well do not feel like you are alone; many people are wondering the same thing.  In fact they may wonder why you still go there.  After growing up as a PK and serving for almost 40 years as a pastor, I have come to understand that when people are hurt, manipulated, and mistreated; they do not want to go to church.  If you have ever wondered what motivates people to attend church and stay in a church,  take it from someone with a lot of time in the trenches of church life, the reasons why people go to church are numerous, and sometimes the reasons are bizarre and not very logical, little alone spiritual.

The Simple Answer is that it is Sociology and Culture

Elmer Towns said once that when people go to church that they look for someone who is like them and if they cannot find someone to connect with like them, they will go somewhere else.  For instance, if you live in the South or parts of the Midwest, social standing, or social identification might be determined by which church you attend.  Think about it for a minute, look around yourself the next time you go to church and ask yourself the question:  What kind of people go to this church?

Guess What that Tells You? 

The people that you see are the kind of people that your church is going to attract.  Look around and what you will see is that your church has characteristics that are common to the people that are there.  If you have  ever wondered why disorganized, disheveled churches attract people with a lack of spiritual discipline or people who value disorder as if it were a spiritual gift, remember people reflect their personal values in their religious lives and how they value what is important in the life of a church.  Theorist’s call it the homogenous principle: like kind attracts like kind.  As a result, when you have an unruly member who terrorizes people with their dysfunction, it says as much about us as it does about them.  The simple answer is that sociology and culture drive the ability of a church to reach people. A fact that is very true is that if you want the church you are  at to be larger, better, something different than it is, it must experience a cultural, sociological, and value change to reach people that are different.

Family Connection Drives the Church Bus

For some people, their children also bring them back to church.  Sometimes people feel the awesome responsibility of molding and shaping young lives to be happy and productive for the future, and sense almost instinctively that those things require faith and knowledge of God.  We know they will not develop a strong moral core from the society around them.  It did not work for us, did it?  And so we bring them to God’s house, and come along with them, sometimes for the first time since our own childhood.  And as our children learn about Jesus, we experience a wonderful renewal of our faith.

Friendship Drives the Fellowship Wagon

Friendship brings us to church, too.  Sometimes we are invited by friends; then, come with them.  Nevertheless, so often it is the desire for friends –good friends, caring friends, friends who share our values –that brings us to church in hope.  God knows, loneliness can eat at our sense of well-being.  Being new in a community often accentuates that longing to love and be loved.  In addition, this is as it should be.  God means for the church to be a place to build long-term caring relationships, to be a community in every sense of that word.

Another Answer is that it is Material or Social Networking

For many people going to church is the main social event of their life.  It is where their family congregates and decides how spirituality will be expressed.  Think about this: How about joining a large church to network for your business?  It does happen.  However, before you judge too harshly, consider that when you’re looking for a future husband or a wife, networking in a church isn’t a bad place to start — at least you’re likely to find people with the same value system.  Many people go to church to find a wife, date their girlfriend, spend time with their friends, and make business contacts.  Look around the average church and ask yourself if the people are there because of the deep conviction about the theology of the church, or are they there for some other reason.  Unfortunately, the church has become more about the material and social than it has about having a servant’s heart to worship God through servanthood.

What About Fear and Guilt as Motivators?

Fear or Guilt? Unfortunately, many people who go to church, especially in fundamental churches are plagued by fear of what might happen if they don’t go and sometimes guilt about what is wrong in life.  I have often said that guilt tends to make people hide –In a crowd, a church, beneath some leaves to serve as a cover for what has happened in their lives.  We hear guilt from the pulpits, guilt leads to fear and fear to conformity to appear to be religious.  People attend for the most human of reasons. Family history has its place. Children of Catholics are most often Catholic, in orientation at least. Habit and duty figure, too. However, let me talk for a moment about what I see most.

Hurt, Pain, and a Search for Answers

Hurt is way up there on the list.  At times, we find ourselves reeling from some of the most painful wounds imaginable.  Estrangement of a spouse.  Loss of a loved one to death, loss of a family, loss of a job, loss of innocence, loss of health, loss of hope.  We are on the ropes; we are down for the count.  It’s only natural to seek healing in God, and it’s amazing how God uses some of his dear people to be channels of God’s healing, hope-filled, non-judgmental love.  I can’t begin to count the times I’ve seen people’s hurts healed within the context of a healthy congregation.

Discipleship and Personal Growth

For many people, personal growth is a factor in regular church attendance.  Gradually people allow the Holy Spirit to clear the smokescreens and allow God to bring to the surface the things we need to face.  Men sometimes decide to grow up and get past when once-upon-a-time they saw a hypocrite in church and refused to commit.  People move beyond resentments at having to attend church as a child.  God allows us to learn about ourselves as we grow past childish rebellions, we grow up, and we are freed once again to include God in our personal exploration.

The Search for Significance and Meaning

For many people, especially men over 40, the need for significance is a strong motivator in why we go to church.  Something inside of us wants to make a difference, to do something meaningful, lasting, to be part of a cause bigger than ourselves.  Church is a perfect context for this type of fulfillment, since, at their best churches change communities for good –one person at a time.  Unbelievably, there are people who are asking, “What do I have to give here?” rather than just “What can I get?“

Worship and Intimacy through Knowing God

Believe it or not people attend church in order to come to know God, to honor him through worship and by their very presence in his house.  The French philosopher Blaise Pascal put it succinctly, “There’s a God-shaped vacuum in every man that only God can fill.”  You and I have felt that emptiness.  We’ve wondered at times if we’ve lost forever that most important link of faith that shapes who we are and who we can become.  People come to church because they are searching, and they find they can search for God in this context better than they can in other places.

 ”Our hearts are restless,” said Augustine, “until we find our rest in You.”

 Some motives are better, some worse, but in one sense it doesn’t matter much what is your motivation. What matters is the process that begins when we enter a relationship with Jesus Christ an allow the Holy Spirit to direct our lives.

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Finding Balance in Unbalanced Relationships: A Discussion about Conflicting Emotions.

Think about relationships that you have with significant people in your life, what is the first word that comes to mind when you think of the people involved?  Is the word a reaction to how you feel about relationship or a descriptor of how interaction occurs between people?  Something to consider is whether others, in your world of relationships, would see your relationships in the same way that your mental image picture them.  If we are honest at this point, the reality is that everyone has problems at certain times in relationships and all families experience a certain level of malfunction at times.  One of the reasons is that we are feeling/emotive people and, at times,  our feelings distort perception of things occurring which results responses to perception that are charged with emotion and misinformation.  The result is reaction, unreasonable behaviors, conflict, and relationships that are fracture by misinformation, feelings out of control, and inappropriate responses.

It is difficult to use sound reasoning when events are charged with distorted emotional thoughts. 

Consider this question: Is it reasonable to believe someone who tells you that they love you, while at the same time that person in hateful, vindictive, and spiteful ways at the same time.  Obviously, behavior that is inconsistent with what a person tells to you is a strong indicator that something is out of sync in the relationship.  Unbalanced relationships are plagued with behavioral cues that tells the informed observer that this behavior indicates that relationships are unbalanced and lack appropriate boundaries.  This is especially true when there is love espoused, while at the same time the person is demonstrating toxic, damaging, or abusive behaviors toward the person who is the object of their love-hate relationship.  Many instances of this can be seen among  couples who engage in extra-marital affairs, i.e., this is a commonly demonstrated behavior.  The conundrum is that there is a professed love professed for the spouse, while a toxic behavior occurs toward the spouse, as well as, the overall relationship.  I think that everyone would agree that this constitutes an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship.  The idea that a person can love one person and at the same time  engage in a clandestine relationship suggests that there is a conflict of how emotions are understood and what love really means within a relationship.  Consequently, the person who confesses love and fails to demonstrate values consistent with love is action on a faulty presumption of how love is characterized between two people in a relationship.   Another way of understanding the unbalanced conflict of rational thinking about love is in filial relationships.  A question comes to the surface here: Can I love someone while secretly harboring resentment toward them, holding on to unforgiveness while at the same time, acting out passive- aggressive anger toward a friend or relative?  Quite often, people communicate that they are angry without ever saying it. What it reveals is an unhealthy pattern of relating to other when emotional conflicts occur.  It is abundantly clear is that relationships do get unbalanced, but if individuals want to have reasonable ways in life to manage the conflicting emotions felt and and potential for unhealthy patterns of relating; it means having healthy boundaries and effective ways to manage the unmanageable problem of unbalanced emotional responses must become a priority.

Crisis should bring people together and not keep them apart.

During changes in life stages and the unexpected stressors that are a part of life change many feelings come to the surface and individuals are often exposed to the possibility of facing conflicting emotions.  While struggling with what to do and managing unbalanced relationship issues that result from very normal life issues, people are face with real life choices that are at times very difficult.  For example, many who have lost a loved one deal with emptiness, grief over the loss, as well as feelings of isolation, which bring to the surface unrealized emotional expectations for themselves and others  For others, the season of change brings issues to the surface, which has been placed, on hold in the file of unresolved issues and unanswered questions.  Others are facing reassignment from military duty, the effects of the economy, loss of jobs– homes, which bring to the surface the emotional pain that people are experiencing because of the conditions of life  being experienced.

An emotional crisis is an opportunity to add positive value and resolution to relationships.

I remember a story that my dad used to tell about two brothers who had become angry at one another early on in life and had avoided each other, through most of life—both being unwilling to take a step toward reconciliation.  As the story goes, one of the brothers became deathly ill, was placed in the hospital—the other brother went to see him and because of the grave nature of the illness and the possibility of the brother dying, they agreed to bury the hatchet.  After talking and renewing the relationship, it was time to leave.  The brother who was sick, the patient in the hospital, said to departing brother; “by the way, if I live the feud is still on.” Unfortunately, many people cannot break away from the self-defeating behavior that creates a no win situation and feeds off of the feud, the conflict, and an inability to ever reconcile life in a healthy way.

Balancing relationships is about making the right choices for you.

The lived experience for many people is one fueled by conflicts that are unresolved and in fact, may never be solved.  Divorce, broken families, a family member in prison, poverty, child abuse, homelessness, and sickness are all deeply felt issues –the source of painful experiences that are a source for emotional conflict during the seasons of life.  At a time in life when conflicting emotions are magnified by natural events, it is  a perfect time for imbalance to erupt or a time to balance something that feels out of balance by making a choice to act on the felt experience of hopelessness. If we can wrap our head around the fact that even though life is very difficult that there is still hope to balance unbalanced relationships and embrace life with a hope that elevates life and those around us.  I do not know what you are experiencing in life, but if we can focus our thoughts Christ, who is our hope ; then  the peace that He can bring to life can bring balance to seems so out of balance in our experience of life.  Unfortunately, many people’s attention will focus around unbalanced relationships, what has been lost, or what is wrong with others and life.  Fortunately, hope for balance in the midst of conflict is possible through trusting in Savior who is larger than life and greater than problems.  When Christ comes to our life, it is not to abandon us in the moment of conflict or to magnify our failures; it is a happens to magnify the power of Christ to  bring freedom from a life without a balanced hope in the experiences of life. A relationship with Christ is a reminder that He gives us the opportunity, motive, and place to a be peacemaker.

Indeed, people can have the language right, the ritual right, but the reality is that our audio needs to match our video.  However, the crisis that we experience is what reveals who we are going to trust when life gets out of kilter.  An important thing to consider is whether our relationship with Christ is having an impact on the way we handle unbalanced relationships and experiences.   Is what we are saying –experiencing on the inside having a significant impact upon the lived experience of life?  It is good sometimes to just be confessional and stop denying what we feel because pushing down emotions, conflicts, and unresolved pain only pushes issues to the surface when stress is placed upon life.  The act of denying the reality of an internal condition guarantees an undesirable future prospect of artificial existence that will be characterized by the appearance of functionality.  Unfortunately, life will be expressed and may look good on the outside, but the inner dialogue of pain, frustration, and unbalanced emotions will influence life and relationships.

Exercising your options to make good choices starts with individual choice.

What is a person to do about the conflicting emotions and unbalanced relationships in life?  First, understand that there is only one person that you can change—the person that you see in the mirror each day.  Next, realize that it is not your responsibility to fix other people, change them, and you are not responsible for what others do or life they create.  Also, recognize that much of what people feel about disappointments in life stems from faulty expectations and misplaced trust.  Then, allowing people the grace to be who they are and work it out individually, releases others into God’s care to be who they are while still loving them– even though you may not agree.  Accepting others disappointing acts is not ratifying what has been done in a passive form of acceptance, it is allowing others to be free to choose what they do– placing responsibility for behaviors on the person making the choice.  Finally,say it, “I am not responsible, and it is not my fault”.

Is it possible to love someone and hate what they do, be in love with one person and maintain loyalty and admiration for others?  The answer depends upon you and how life is balanced within boundaries to manage the unmanageable things in life.  Remember, we are not responsible for what others choose to do and it is not our fault.  One of the sources of balance comes in how a person thinks about life.  For linear, black and white, everything fits in the box—literal, concrete thinkers, this will not compute because it requires thinking about life outside  of the box:  “most of the time your brain is involved in just one of three activities: distraction, reaction, or following well-worn pattern” (Tim Hurson). In the Bible it says, “As a man thinketh in his heart so is he”.  Are you following a well-worn pattern in life or are you interested in balancing how you feel about your relationships in life:  Change your thoughts and change your life.

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Happiness: Guilt, Criticism, and Projection

Happiness: Guilt, Criticism, and Projection

An interesting thing that I have noticed about people who feel guilty is that they are not very happy and that they invest a huge amount of energy trying to hide– cover up painful or guilty experiences from being known.  Quite often, all of the efforts to hide something– not apparent on the surface has the opposite effect.  In stead of covering up guilt, it is like wearing a badge that says, “I am guilty”.  It does not take a psychologist to figure out that a person who engages in constant criticism of others is a demonstrating a behavior cue that points to unresolved guilt.  Often, the person who is constantly calling attention, implying, suggesting others weaknesses or faults may be shining a light upon something that obviously is wrong and unresolved in the accuser.

Good Guilt v. Bad Guilt

Developmentally, guilt is an emotional warning sign that most people learn during normal childhood social development.  Guilt’s purpose is to let us know when we have done something wrong—to keep life balanced.  Good guilt operates to help us develop a better understanding about bad choice and danger in our personal behavior.  Therefore healthy expressions of guilt prompts a person examine and to re-examine behavior to prevent making the same mistake twice.  Indeed, an examination of the pathology of unresolved guilt reveals negative perceptions of what others do that triggers distorted schemas, paralyzing emotions, and distorted reactions connected to a distorted sense of self that acts like a mirror reflecting what is not seen by others and known by the accuser.  Unfortunately, misunderstood and unresolved guilt leads to depression, anxiety, and frustration that is projected on someone else rather than becoming a positive force toward change or improvement.  Guilt is normally a negative focus coming from a perception of self that moralizes what others are doing and says, “I am a bad person.  I cannot bear myself.  I am unworthy.”

 

Internalized Guilt brings Externalized Behavior

Often I have said that “the things that we notice and hate about others and that we criticize so passionately, is connected to what we hate about ourselves.  Carl Jung said, “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness’s of other people” Unfortunately, the guilt ridden accuser does not understand that criticism is a window into their own darkness.  Often, behavior is hidden so well beneath misdirected concern shared as a concern with confidants, family, friends that infers perceived wrongdoing.  What is really happening is that the guilty accuser uses inference to project their own secretive guilty behaviors on their mirror.  Unfortunately, many of the things that people feel so deeply and are so offensive –we speak so loudly, passionately, so convincingly about point back to self-perception embedded within the neurotic guilt.  Indeed, the ability of guilt to subconsciously influence how perceptions, beliefs, and beliefs about what is seen should not be underestimated, nor ignored.  For instance, in a perfect world of a developing infant, doing, something “bad” is equivalent to murdering all that is good.  As the child develops with a lived-experience of shame, performance based acceptance, and guilt ridden feelings, the inability to dispel the gnawing sense of guilt results in the child owning misunderstood feelings about guilt and he/she enters an “adult– normal society.”  In the adult world, the normal is distorted by the abnormal thinking from development filtered by a perception of life that skewed by feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, and projection.  What happens: the guilt that has been internalized, misunderstood, and unresolved is externalized in projecting behavior toward others when something is seen that feels like the internalized guilt. Then, undigested guilt triggers the guilt-projection system that regurgitates what feels like concern, looks like righteousness, demonstrating rescuing behavior upon others, while calling attention to what is hidden beneath the surface– unresolved guilt that wants to be discovered.

Psychological ProjectionCriticism and Conversations with Guilty People

When I listen to people’s conversations, it sounds like there is something not being said, but is implied.  Quite often it is what is not being said that is more important than what is being said.  For instance, when person helps someone with a situation and someone else gives the pretense of being helpful and recurrent suggestions come up about another person’s faults or problems or even a constant disdain for a particular act, at is the real issue in the conversation?  On the one hand, it may be a person who simply is genuinely concerned, but on the other hand it may be a semantically expressed language cue it that says the person talking is struggling with and projecting internalized guilt.   It makes me wonder if the concerned person really feels guilty about their own internal struggle or particular behavior that no one knows about.   While serving as a pastor, I have had those who felt duty bound to inform me about how certain people are living and taking advantage of their leadership positions and using others.  What is common to all of these conversations is that they are people who represent themselves as crusaders of right, justice, and truth is that they are guilt-ridden people who try to guilt others into conformity and want someone to take up their cause.  Personally, I think about this activity as the subtle work of Satan who is guilty and accuses others of what he is guilty of.  In the book of Revelation Satan is depicted as the one who slanders the innocent and in reality is the one who is guilty.  Therefore, a critical question about this kind of accusation and speculation is motivation.  At this point, a question important to ask is what lies beneath suspicion and why this behavior is happening at this moment?  It may be that there is really a problem that needs to be addressed, but what is the real problem? Consequently, the essential question is why do some people see things that are really not there and act on beliefs that have no substance, evidence, or possess any real real desire to help?  One answer may be that some people have a need to rescue others from what they believe is “bad behavior” because there is strongly embedded guilt that says how bad a person actually feels about self and is motivating criticism, i.e., –the person sees their own failure in the acts of others.  The effort to direct attention to someone else may simply be transference:  an effort to vicariously fix something that feels very wrong in their own life by self incriminating projection of guilt on others. … Neurotic Guilt.

Why does one person believe they are doing right by making someone else guilty– warning, judging, evaluating, devaluing, and invalidating the other persons?

The Voice of Guilt is Saying What?

When a person engages in this kind of destructive inference, crusading to gain support from others, what is the core issue in the accusation? According to Sigmund Freud, it may be projection, which is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one “projects” one’s own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings onto someone else.  Projection is one of the defense mechanisms identified by Freud that is used when someone feels threatened or feels afraid of their own impulses–, so the accuser attributes these impulses to someone else.  What is apparent among people, who make it their life’s mission to constantly criticize without sound reasoning and responsible approaches to relationships with others, is that the critic has an unresolved problem.  It is guilt– the feeling– that comes to the surface when something witnessed in others –a trigger activates  recognition of a feeling associated with a past behavior — “a been there done that experience.”  An important revelation  about constant accusing  is that recurring critical activity may be an open confession of unresolved feelings of guilt and self-esteem issues that are being attributed to someone else.

The Blame Game and What is Really Being Said

Throughout the history of the human race it is well documented that people have been struggling with guilt while denying responsibility.  The Bible records the story of creation when, Adam and Eve sinned; then, made leaves to cover up while knowing what they had done wrong.  Obviously, they did not want to take responsibility for what had happened. Therefore, the response of Eve was to pass the blame on, “it is the serpent that caused the evil act. “  The response of Adam was that it is the woman that you gave me Lord.  Guilt makes people project cover up because they are ashamed and understand that something is wrong and needs fixed.  Guilt makes people accuse because drawing attention to others behavior deflects attention away from the self –the guilty party.  Also, the fear of being exposed motivates people to project judgment for wrong doing upon someone else. Projecting guilt and packaging it in  criticism is a way of verbalizing how deeply perceptions of right and wrong— good and bad affects feelings of personal well being and personal security of the acuser.    Something to think about is that as long as attention is focused on what is wrong, what is being hidden, energy cannot be focused upon what is possible or what can make life effective, nor can you be happy.   Chaplain Murrill 04/27/2012

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Happiness: Success and a Well-Lived Life

What does it mean to be a success in life in the 21st century? I suppose the answer you get depends upon who you ask. One important thing that seems to stand out this morning is that it is really hard to feel successful at anything when you are not happy. Abraham Lincoln said, “Most people are about as happy as they choose to be.”

This is a thought provoking statement that indicates that happiness is a choice that people make as well as implying that success is a secondary result of happiness. Often, when people think about happiness, thoughts are conjured up of people who laugh and smile a lot, but that is not really accurate. Happiness is not based upon circumstances, in psychological terms, it is better understood as an approach to life that is present in spite of circumstances that provides hope, resilience, and strengths of values under-girding a perspective toward what is done in life. One thing for sure is that it is not what happens to us in life that determines success, rather, it is connected to how we feel about what happens and how the experience is internalized into life actions.

A well-lived life is connected to positive emotions that are internalized into beliefs, perception, and attitudes, which provide the substance of life affirming actions– behaviors in the experience of life. Positive emotions and efficacious actions are connected to the ability to have positive affirming relationships that characterize relationship in groups, social interaction, and organizational life. At the heart of life characterized by a pattern of broken relationships is a missing element of hope. The missing element is happiness that gives meaning to life– the wind in the sails of life bringing accomplishment within circumstances The point is that success in life is very much connected to happiness and its is definitely something that you have to choose in life.

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